Sleepover - opinions pls

[Daisydoo23]

My DD has been asked to go to a theme park and stay over in a hotel with her friend for her birthday and her family (mom, stepdad, brother and sister plus friend) so they get 2 days at the park. A bit of context:

My DD (11) has been friends with a girl from school for around 12 months.
I have spoken to the girls mom around 5/6 times at the school, a handleful of texts.
DD has said previously that the friend cannot go downstairs until told to (which i think is strange).
Neither have been to each other's houses for the day in that time, let alone sleepover

I understand it's a nice gesture, but AIBU to think it's bold of the mom to ask for the overnight stay considering the above? I personally couldn't ask someone for permission for their child to stay over elsewhere considering they haven't even stayed at my home or even visited for the day?

I have said that DD can go for the day but I'm not happy for the overnight stay, I know nothing about them, haven't met the other children or stepdad. The mom said the stepdad would take the mom and siblings and come back for my DD with her friend, well I drive, so surely it would be easier for me to just take her myself?

But I just wanted others opinions really. Wwyd have done in this situation?

That seems odd since it is well known that paedophiles are drawn to work in professions where they have access to vulnerable children, hence the likelihood of a member of those professions being suspect is higher.

Not going Downstairs may well be to do with the burglar alarm.

if I was worried I would be saying “rather than take 2 trips, why don’t I drive X&Y? We can meet you there, I have always wanted to visit (nearby destination) so it’s a good excuse”. You could even book a room in the same hotel for you and DD, get to know these people a bit better.

Are your daughter and this girl good friends? It seems odd this girl has chosen her for her birthday treat when they have not had play dates or sleepovers before.

If there’s time for some play dates and getting to know the family, I’d try to make it Haken but as things stand, no.

Gosh I have invited my DD’s friends to do similar, under similar circumstances, and no parents have ever expressed any reservations. I suppose I wouldn’t have minded anyone asking questions about sleeping arrangements etc, but I would have been surprised and disappointed if any child had been prevented from coming.

DD has been invited to two trips away/hotel stays at a similar age. The first I didn’t know the family at all, and DD didn’t end up attending due to a conflict with a dance competition, but she would have gone if she’d been free. The second, I knew the family much better so it’s possibly a bit different than your situation. But generally speaking, we live in a country where children are put into different classes every single year at school, which means that friends are often “right now” friends rather than life-long friends, and we don’t always have the opportunity to get to know the families.

I’m curious about why your DD never having stayed at their home makes a difference. What do you think might or might not happen in a hotel room that couldn’t happen at their homes? Obviously if your DD has anxiety about sleepovers and doesn’t want to stay, then fair enough. But I don’t understand where your own reservations are coming from.

No. I wouldn’t let my daughter sleep near an unknown man.

😄

I'm guessing because they are 11 that they made friends when they started secondary school

Which does make it feel even weirded that you're making a thing about only knowing each other a year

🙄

The relevant factor would be the theme park though... The birthday girl may only have other friends who have never ridden large coasters or are scared to go on them. If you want to travel to a theme park for your birthday, then you'll definitely want to make sure to take someone who is prepared to ride everything that you want to ride.

There’s lots of reasons why your child might not have slept at theirs - small house, daughter not having own room, irregular work schedule, early morning activities.

driving your daughter there might also not work unless you also take someone else - that would be nice to offer but only if your daughter is staying otherwise it doesn’t work.

I think the most likely reason is that the birthday girl is desperate for a sleepover, but their house is too small, so they thought this would be a fun alternative.

Obviously trust your instinct, but in your shoes I think I’d let her go if she felt comfortable. Make sure she has a phone so she can contact you independently (without having to ask anyone else’s permission), let her know she can call anytime of night. You could look into staying close by if that helps.

I would get to know the family so that I could let her go.

I think the way you are framing the invite as "bold" or a "big ask" is kind of nasty. It's a generous offer, not an ask. You aren't doing them a favour.

They're in primary and have been since reception but only the last 12months have they been in the same class and become friends

I have always had my children’s friends for get togethers and sleepovers and a couple of holidays and they have so much fun. I’m a teacher with a DBS on the Update Service so this may have affected the parent’s choices to allow it. I would try and get to know the family more so you can decide if you’re comfortable with them. My kids have stayed over at friends houses where I’ve been fully comfortable with the parents. Speak to the mum, maybe invite her to yours and you’ll soon know if you’re happy with sending her.

11 year olds still in primary?

Sounds as if they’re trying to create as little inconvenience for you as possible. It’s very odd you think they are doing a bad thing by saving you the drive!

I have agreed for my DD to go with them, I was just asking the question about it being more logical for me to take her rather than one parent doing another trip to collect DD.
DD hasn't had any sleepovers other than with family and a school residential before Christmas and her friend is aware of that so it's not like I'm singling out her parents as predators at all.
It's the fact I don't know them well enough and don't feel I could get to know them well enough in that time either. There is another friend of DDs from nursery at the school, if it was her mom i would say yes even with her stepdad because I know her enough to know how she parents her children, what she stands for etc
Given that I don't know them well, if i was the parent on the other foot I would totally understand where the other parent was coming from rather than see it as an insult- I mean it's only someone's child you're asking to have overnight after all 🙄

Where did I say it was a bad thing by them offering to drive? I think you'll find it said surely it's logical for me to take DD

What are you implying?

I don't think it's "bold". She can ask and you can say no.

Maybe to you, but personally I think asking to have someone else's child overnight IS a big ask. My DD is my only child and the most important thing in my life so yeah I'd say it's big ask

I am glad you have agreed. I get it’s scary but we need to let our children have experiences and build some independence.

I don’t think it’s a big ask. You need to change your perspective here otherwise you will struggle as your daughter gets older.

Of course.
Clearly I'm not good with words because people seem to think it's come across as rude. I've even stated that I understand it's a nice gesture then listed my concerns.

I meant I've agreed to let them taking DD not to the overnight stay. I don't have a problem with her staying out per say it's just that I don't know the family

I respect your feelings and boundaries. However they aren’t the same as mine and if I was the mum in this scenario I would be asking a different child. The hotel sleepover is a huge part of this birthday extravaganza, you can’t take that away from the birthday girl