DH insisting I change my working hours

[OneTipsyRubyDreamer]

We have 3 DC. DH works full time 5 days a week. I work part time 2 days a week school
hours. DH has wanted me to move from part time to full time for years but now he’s suddenly started saying he “insists” that I need to ask my employer if I can go full time. I don’t want to go full time though. DH won’t stop going on about it and says he wants proof that I’ve asked my employer if I can go full time. I haven’t asked my employer about going full time because I don’t want to go full time but DH won’t take no for an answer though and he is putting a lot of pressure on me over it. He says things like “a lot of parents work full time so there’s no reason you can’t” but I don’t want to work full time! He can’t seem to understand the fact that I just don’t want to work full time and that I want to keep my current working hours for 2 days a week. AIBU?

Our children have SEN so I have to factor that in too when deciding about my working days/hours.

which is another reason it would be a great idea for you to get some temporary work on a Saturday and Sunday - then he can look after the children, see it as a test run.

There are plenty of weekend roles for events etc where you literally rock up for 12 hours and do the carpark or such like - he wants you to work so work...

How often does he have the 3 children for 2 days straight whilst you work?

but expects/wants you to have them 2 days straight and work 5 days?

You'll have to work this out between you but I have to say the increase in house prices makes it very difficult for young families - I think two parents working full time and three young kids is a hell of a lot. I'm sure some people do it but honestly I don't know how without a lot of support from rellies. I hope you can have a sensible conversation about it.

I wonder how many women would think it fair if they had to work full time and subsidise their husband/partner who was refusing to work more than a few hours per week?

Why should you be part time and reliant on DH to support you? I don’t blame him for wanting you to take more of the financial load

Emergency contact is usually people with parental responsibility?! So what would the parent say if called?! Sorry can’t be bothered?!

I'm trying not to give specifics here because of how outing it would be, but you honestly have no idea of how some parents behave.

In many cases, as I mentioned above parents will name an obliging granny or some other relative if both parents are working. Only when we cannot get hold of the named contact do we then contact the parent. (I can only speak for my own LA.)

When it comes to behavioural problems, there are some parents who simply switch off their phones so that the school cannot reach them.

In the case of the parent I mentioned above, we couldn't get through on their mobile, so in the end I got our office to contact the office at their place of work as a last resort. I figured that any normal parent would wish to be informed. I figured wrong.

As I said in my pp, it was actually a medical emergency. I'm assuming from how irate the parent was that they didn't believe that their child (a senior pupil) was actually unwell, but we couldn't take that risk.

They had three children at our school, and I'm only aware of that parent being contacted at work on that one occasion.

Most parents, however, behave in a much more normal manner.

Agree that he needs to explain how the tasks you do will be shared. My experience is that men often resent their partners for working PT, but envisage their partner continuing to do the same amount of pic ups and housework as they did before.

Ive always worked FT, but when H worked locally he used to do more of the nursery pick ups than I did. He resented this as he felt it constrained his working day. But he didn’t acknowledge that I got DS up and ready every day. H could have got up at the same time and started work early but he chose to lie in - thereby making it harder for himself to do his hours and then get to pick up. But this was presented as a problem for me to solve!

Unless he volunteers for 50% of school runs, sick child cover and school holiday cover then my answer would be no. Spoiler alert - he won't.

How are you building any sort of pension when you’ve worked 10 hours a week for the past 10 years? It’s not just about what you bring in now, but what your future looks like. I’m not even sure you’ll reach the threshold of NI contributions to qualify for the state pension by working so little. Has your DH had some sort of review of his future pension and is worried about how your life will look later? Has he started thinking about putting 3 children through university? If you’d be able to bring in a sum over and above what the childcare would cost if you worked more, while at the same time building pension savings, now is a good time to start doing that.

But it requires both of you to sit down and have an adult conversation about roles and responsibilities and what life should look like to achieve it.

I was thinking exactly the same thing!

What's your earning potential OP? Would it have a rewarding impact on the family finances once childcare costs are taken into account?

She’s already answered - “The kids are 18 months, 6 years old and 11 years old.”

It's stressful being the main breadwinner. You might be ok now, but the market is quite unstable so maybe he is concerned and wants to build more resilience for the family?

Maybe he doesn't want to work until he's 70. I am almost embarrassed by some of the responses here. 'What about the mental load?'. The OP us currently working around 10 hours per week, whilst husband presumably does around 37-40. Even if she doubled her days she would still have more time at home than him.

If you worked FT, what would the ratio of your salary to your DHs be?

If he substantially outearns you, it could be a situation where you are stuck still doing it all in addition to FT because nothing can interrupt his big important job.

He sounds like an arse. I work 3 days a week 5 hours a day and my husband is encouraging me to leave my job (which I hate atm due to lots of changes) and he’s fully supportive

There's a reason. He's not being like that for no reason.

I’d think it was fine if he was doing almost all the domestic, unpaid labour and childcare. Which is what she is doing

Could he be hiding debts from you?

Which works for your relationship, because he’s supportive. A husband isnt obligated to support his wife because she doesn’t want to work.

If OPs DH was that concerned about her going back to work, he could have taken one of the many opportunities offered to him to describe how he will be taking on his share of childcare and household tasks to compensate.

The fact that he hasn't, shows that he's not actually all that worried about being the sole breadwinner after all.

I don’t want to work more days though.

I struggle to understand why, in your head, "I don't want to" is a clincher of an argument. I mean, I would guess that relatively few people actually want to work full time, but you have to recognise the reality that accommodation, clothes, food etc all cost money which you have to work to earn. If DH and I said "We don't want to work" and took that as the green light to stop working, we would be out on the streets and starving.

Does he have a gambling debt or credit cards that are about to financially cripple him but he’s kept from you

What a surprise.

Your kids are tiny. Why would he want the little one in more childcare before necessary!? He should be pleased you have a nice balance and they can be with their mum lots. So many people would love that.

She works extremely part time and no longer has a baby. The main reason she's repeatedly given for not wanting to work is that she doesn't want to. It's not exactly convincing. And no, you don't need all that time at home to do the vacuuming and put some washing on. Other people do that at the weekend or in odd moments during the week. In her husband's position I'd be feeling resentful too.

Create a google word document for him to answer in writing. Type everything that needs doing daily / weekly / monty. You cannot possibly go full time without him committing to 50% of the household jobs. Dont forget to include adhoc like sick days.