DH insisting I change my working hours

[OneTipsyRubyDreamer]

We have 3 DC. DH works full time 5 days a week. I work part time 2 days a week school
hours. DH has wanted me to move from part time to full time for years but now he’s suddenly started saying he “insists” that I need to ask my employer if I can go full time. I don’t want to go full time though. DH won’t stop going on about it and says he wants proof that I’ve asked my employer if I can go full time. I haven’t asked my employer about going full time because I don’t want to go full time but DH won’t take no for an answer though and he is putting a lot of pressure on me over it. He says things like “a lot of parents work full time so there’s no reason you can’t” but I don’t want to work full time! He can’t seem to understand the fact that I just don’t want to work full time and that I want to keep my current working hours for 2 days a week. AIBU?

I would ask him to set out in detail how he envisages that home / childcare / life admin etc will work. In detail. All the jobs he thinks need doing.

At the same time, you set out the situation now - all the work you do, everything you’re aware that he does at the moment etc

Then compare your lists - I bet his hasn’t got half the jobs that actually exist in it!

All the jobs/ responsibilities he’s missed out come back into the mix. Equally if there are any jobs you’ve missed (I bet there aren’t, or not as many) but he’s included go back into the mix too.

Then together you work out a middle ground (or whatever) where all the jobs get done/ responsibilities still handled, but you both end up with the same amount of completely free time - and the financial books still balance obviously! Factoring in the cost of nursery.

If he says certain jobs aren’t necessary/ don’t exist ask him to explain how life works without those jobs.

When did OP even say her youngest isn’t in childcare?

Well if you won't tell this board - that you are asking advice from - all of the 'main reasons' - then tell your husband and have a grown-up conversation. I've lost patience now because you're being secretive and that's not conducive to genuinely seeking advice.

I have 3 children and work full time but I didn't go back full time until then youngest was 10.
I worked 20 hours from after last mat leave until oldest was 10.

OP, please can you answer 'how old are your children'?

It's almost £8K per year (if on minimum wage), I wouldn't say that's "hardly worth bothering".

He thinks you have an easier life and resents you for it.
I don't know if your life is easier or not but it seems quite likely that with three young children it is, erm, fairly full-on.

If you did go back to work full time would your salary cover the increased child care costs and if not, how does he feel about that? Because if it doesn't pay well enough to do that, then obviously staying at home is actually saving you money. If that's the case i can't see any benefit to the family of you working full time.
Have you run the figures? if a full time job means the household is better off it's a different story, as long as he pulls his weight with 50 percent of the household work and child care.
But if he's just jealous of your 'easier' life that's more difficult to address. And what next would he be unhappy about?

You’re both being unreasonable.

WORK FULL TIME!
Why?
BECAUSE!

I DON’T WANT TO WORK FULL TIME!
Why not?
I DON’T WANT TO!

Talk to each other. Find out what’s sitting underneath his request. Explore - together - how you’d manage your kids. He’s right - plenty of other people do. You’re right - it’s hard.

Why can’t you talk about it properly?

So you've been working 10 hours a week for the past 10 years or so ( given you started part-time after your first mat leave and your oldest is 11. I think your husband is very reasonable - he's probably planning for the future.

True, a lot has changed. There's more free childcare (ten years ago, I don't think most working people got it until they were 3?), as atone point, many parents didn't work much when they were little as care cost most of the wages, plus more work is remote/flexible compared to 2015, which does make things a bit easier, depending on your job.
OP, you could talk with your husband about your reasons, and tot up how much you'd actually make, and what else he would need to do. What other resources (eg grandparents, friends sharing babysitting) might you have? If it's that you don't want your LO in FT nursery, could you say you'll do more in a few years?
You could also investigate alternatives, like tt only work, but I do know it's not always that easy to get what you want these days.

Well @OneTipsyRubyDreamer, if you communicate with your DH the way you have on this thread, you're fucked.

OneTipsyRubyDreamer · Today 21:22
The kids are 18 months, 6 years old and 11 years old.

The other three days. There could be parental obligations, or tennis, yoga, lunches out.

I think men can get jealous, even if you only have the odd coffee with a friend. They seem to think we have it all.

She has. 18 months, 6 and 11.

Tell him you will ask about increasing your hours if he presents you with a workable plan as to how childcare and household chores are going to be managed. If your work hours increase, his household duties will have to increase.

She has answered this. They are 18 months, 6 years and 11 years.

How’s your pension?

I think you’d need to talk more about this. He shouldn’t be insisting you work full time and you shouldn’t be insisting you’ll only work part time. There needs to be a compromise.

This. You need a proper discussion and a plan.

Tell him fine. You now want him to produce the evidence that will support this while maintaining your current life style as a family.

arrangements for school wrap around child care, who does it, who pays, how much

arrangements for dealing with sick children, how will this be shared between you how will this affect family finances re loss of income

arrangements for covering all the additional tasks you undertake on your non working days, cleaning, cooking, shopping, washing clothes etc etc. who will do those tasks, when will they be done, who will pay if they are outsourced.

school holidays.

you will need a breakdown of the advantages of your working full time, better pension, larger income compared directly to the disadvantages, outsourcing tasks to others, paying for wrap around and school holiday childcare.

I guess him asking for proof that you've asked may actually set my mind thinking what others have been saying, that he wants you working full-time so it costs him less to divorce. I'd be suspicious.

Sorry but I would wonder if he is considering leaving? And trying to make himself seem less guilty.

I hope your communication with your husband isn't as weird and cryptic as it is with us, OP.

Have you ever tried having a proper, factual, adult conversation together, or is it all about not listening to each other as you (sort of) describe?

Actually, never mind - I await the the thread deleted message.

Don't answer any of his questions either then.

He will soon shut up.

Exactly! I don’t want to work full time either but I do.

Who looks after your 18 month old on the two days you work currently?
What is your husband’s suggestion of who looks after your 18 month old should you go full time?

Are nursery places/hours easy to come by/affordable where you are?

If I had to work full time to keep my career going or we desperately needed the money, then fair enough, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do, but I wouldn’t be putting a small child in full time nursery unless I absolutely had to.

Could there be something else going on?
Maybe he knows his job is at risk or something?