DH insisting I change my working hours

[OneTipsyRubyDreamer]

We have 3 DC. DH works full time 5 days a week. I work part time 2 days a week school
hours. DH has wanted me to move from part time to full time for years but now he’s suddenly started saying he “insists” that I need to ask my employer if I can go full time. I don’t want to go full time though. DH won’t stop going on about it and says he wants proof that I’ve asked my employer if I can go full time. I haven’t asked my employer about going full time because I don’t want to go full time but DH won’t take no for an answer though and he is putting a lot of pressure on me over it. He says things like “a lot of parents work full time so there’s no reason you can’t” but I don’t want to work full time! He can’t seem to understand the fact that I just don’t want to work full time and that I want to keep my current working hours for 2 days a week. AIBU?

I’m wondering the same.

I mean, it would probably help if you gave some reasons, other than just, ‘I don’t want to!’ E.g. we don’t need the extra money, how would we juggle childcare, household chores etc.?

ETA: Ok, so you’ve shared your reasons, which seem completely valid (would have been helpful to mention some of those factors in the OP) I agree with PP that he now needs to provide you with a reasonable rationale for why you should increase your hours. ‘Everyone else works full time’ is not a reasonable explanation. They don’t. Families have all sorts of different working arrangements. The important thing is to find one that works for your family. Good luck reasoning with him!

Call his bluff then - tell him that you'll be going full-time from X date and can he make sure he has the all the childcare provision in place as well, including school holidays (as and his annual leave booked). That he's got a cleaner in place or at least come up with a schedule of who is doing chores and when including all the cooking, nursery runs, meal plans etc. And you'd like to sit and go through a budget with him so you can work out the costs for all the extra support you'll need.
If he's serious about it then it shouldn't be a problem!

Every time he mentions it, ask him these questions.

I guess he will stop asking once he realises he will have to put some actual effort in.

10-12 hours a week. 39 weeks of the year? lol.

you’re taking the mick.

But plenty of couples manage all of that on top of both having full time jobs.

I think with an 18mo it's fair enough to work part time. Once you factor in nursery fees and wrap around care for three DC you may not be much better off increasing the length or number of your days only a bit. With DC with SEN and a toddler I wouldn't want to work full time and most of my friends worked part-time until their children were in KS2 or secondary.

On the flip side, your DP might not want to admit he feels stressed holding the financial responsibility for the family.

Personally I would hate being the only one bearing that strain for the whole family unless my financial situation was very secure.

If you don't need the money (you'd know about it if you did), then he is being unreasonable. I imagine you do the bulk of the childcare / household stuff. Does he recognise how much time and effort goes into all of this, or does he think that it'll magically still get done if you work FT and he won't have to pick 50% of it up?

Yes, many families do have both parents working FT, but it's not what's best for all of the family members, in all cases. There are sacrifices that are made by parents and children both.

Several pages on and I'm still the only poster who's mentioned how the "children" having SEN was a drip-thread that took the OP many posts to mention.

Yeah. And plenty of those couples end up with the woman doing the majority of the housework, emergency cover and cooking on top of the full time job because the men start comparing whose financial contribution to the household is bigger.

If he didn't expect the OP to continue to pick up all the slack he'd have told her so and not ignored the question.

Oh come on, of course she does, guaranteed.

What do you do at home the other 3 days? Could you work from home?

What SEN do your children have @OneTipsyRubyDreamer , in broad terms. And is it 2 or all 3 of them that have SEN?

I’m sure your husband doesn’t want to work full time either. If he divorces you, the judge will expect you to increase your earnings to support yourself when working out a financial settlement.

Agree, working full time is exhausting especially when the majority of the financial burden is on you.

9:30 - 2 is basically just over a day a week.

Why don’t you compromise and do an extra “day” now and offer to increase when the youngest goes to school.

If you divorce you’ll probably have to increase your hours.

On this occasion I am with you. 3 young kids with one baby and two other, one or two with SEN is tiring.

I think you need to talk to your husband about why hes suggesting it, and how he plans for the childcare, housework and appointments to be rebalanced.

I actually think its reasonable to want you both to work. Working 2 days is a privledge. You likely wouldnt manage on your salary alone, hes carrying most of the weight for providing for 4 other people. Thats alot and it may be he is struggling with that pressure.

Equally I think its reasonable you dont want to full time and all the emotional load or organising, collecting and caring for the children and the home. He needs to reevaluate your roles with you

Honestly this round in circles him insisting on proof youve asked about full and you flat out saying I wont, I dont want to sounds exhausting.

So you need to talk to each other. Whats made him want this? If you do this how does he propose you split school runs? How does he propose the housework is shared out? What is he concerned about if you continue as you are?

Id say youre both U if you dont talk this through, listen to eachother and plan together what if anything is changing

It's easier if you divorce though, because you can work when they're with the other parent.

He may reasonably think it would be helpful to pay off your mortgage more quickly, or build up more of a pension pot, or save to help your children at university or buying their first house. Or he may be aware that his job has become insecure and wants to protect the family. Or he may rightly feel that the financial burden shouldn't primarily all be on him.

This. Obviously if OP is employed full time he will be less responsible for child support etc. Given she seems to have no idea of their joint finances he could well be asset stripping. He likely won't want to be picking up more child care or housework if he doesn't leave.

i don't understand why you haven't both sat down and had an in depth conversation about it all.

Exactly. I'm in this situation. Which is why I'd mention in the very first post in my handily controversial AIBU thread if I was the OP.

I was thinking this, has his head been turned and he wants out ?

I have tried to but DH just keeps insisting I should go full time and he won’t sit down and have a proper in depth conversation or answer any questions.

I didn't say that wasn't the case. But it seemed to be what she was intimating and that it would be a particular issue for her. But now she's said there are other reasons she won't talk about so who knows really? Hate when people ask for help and then withhold, it's such a garden path and taking advantage of other people's time and good intentions.