DH insisting I change my working hours

[OneTipsyRubyDreamer]

We have 3 DC. DH works full time 5 days a week. I work part time 2 days a week school
hours. DH has wanted me to move from part time to full time for years but now he’s suddenly started saying he “insists” that I need to ask my employer if I can go full time. I don’t want to go full time though. DH won’t stop going on about it and says he wants proof that I’ve asked my employer if I can go full time. I haven’t asked my employer about going full time because I don’t want to go full time but DH won’t take no for an answer though and he is putting a lot of pressure on me over it. He says things like “a lot of parents work full time so there’s no reason you can’t” but I don’t want to work full time! He can’t seem to understand the fact that I just don’t want to work full time and that I want to keep my current working hours for 2 days a week. AIBU?

I don’t think it would he manageable to work more hours/days due to childcare and also everything that I do at home to run the house! We are also not in financial trouble so that’s not a reason why I would need to work more days either.

Our children have SEN so I have to factor that in too when deciding about my working days/hours.

There are other reasons too but those are some of the man ones.

I'd like to work just two days a week ESPECIALLY if like the OP my hours aren't a fulll-working day hours but 9:30-230pm give or take half an hour.

I would have so many questions! Have you asked your DH what arrangements he’s proposing for childcare if you work more days? Who is going to do the school pick ups? Who is going to care for your children during school holidays? Who is going to keep the household running smoothly? These all need proper answers and it sounds like your DH needs to come up with them if he’s “insisting” that you work FT.

You really need to “insist” he sits down and explains what he thinks is going to happen.

I really despair. How have women and men been brainwashed? Why is it more virtuous for both parents to work full time and preschooler to be in childcare and both parents rushed off their feet with household duties… WHEN THERES NO FINANCIAL NEED??!!

Emergency contact is usually people with parental responsibility?! So what would the parent say if called?! Sorry can’t be bothered?!

Last time my husband was called by school after a kid pulled my son’s elbow and dislocated it. He called me and asked if I could go pick my son up as I WFH and I am closer to school. I went and picked him up and brought him home immediately. I called DH after coming home. He found someone to cover his clinic for an hour. He came home and put my sons hand back in place as that is his job! All sorted and off he went back to work. Son was fine, I put on some tv for him and went back to work.

Now if it was an illness, I would possibly manage the child as I WFH. If required I call in a nanny and have done so in the past on days I am terribly busy and can’t have interruptions. DH usually doesn’t take days off when kids are ill as I am anyway at home and it would be pointless for both of us to be home. Also considering his work, more people are impacted if he doesn’t go to work as clinics etc. need to be cancelled. This is something that should be worked out between parens based on their individual situations.

Our children have SEN so I have to factor that in too when deciding about my working days/hours.

And here comes the big drip-feed. Quite an important point to leave out of your OP @OneTipsyRubyDreamer

I don't understand why so many posters lack reading skills. I didn't want to work full time with a baby either. So I didn't. Husband was on board thankfully and we could afford it. Really dont understand why working part time when you literally have a baby is seen as lazy. Must be a lot of incels on tonight.

Have you actually sat down and done the sums - you’ll need nursery for 3 more days and maybe the other 2 days will need increase in hours for your youngest, then your other two will need after school care and maybe breakfast care.
costs of a cleaner, more ready meals etc will maybe make it clear it is not yet time to change your hours

I don't think it's unreasonable for people to ask their partner to work full time. Just saying I don't want to isn't fair. What if he doesn't want to either? I mean as long as he is willing to pick up 50% of the childcare, housework etc then why not?

If you go full time, make sure he knows that from that moment all housework, shopping and child care is split right down the middle - no arguments.

I wonder if he's worried about redundancies/money?

Looking at worst case scenario here, if he decided he doesn't want to stay married anymore, would you still manage on 2 days? Maybe he is struggling financially and you just don't know or he wants to to increase the days so that y'all can have an even better life financially/better pension. Unless of course you have a trust fund that is substituting the lost income?

Maybe he wants to divorce you and thinks the settlement will be better for him if you can support yourself.

Are you sure there's no financial trouble though? Do you have full oversight of your mutual finances?

What's your husband's solution for the childcare you currently do? Is he offering?!

Do you have a real handle on the family finances OP or do you not want to do that either? It seems odd your DH is mentioning you going back to work daily but you think you don’t need the money and he doesn’t want to reduce his hours. Being so coy about your reasons is a bit irritating on an anonymous forum - you’d at least expect the standard “I’m run ragged with a toddler, housework and the kids extracurricular activities and DH has a hobby he does all weekend”. The fact you haven’t said that is quite telling

I think you are bad as each other.

He says "you need to work more" - zero reasons provided.

You say "I just don't want to"

Are you unable to actually discuss this as adults?

You both need to discuss your reasons for and against.

You both also need to look at financial implications and household chores, child pick ups etc.

He could habe a number of reasons from financual, stress, pressure, resentment, considers you lazy, preparing for divorce etc.

Either way, you both need it to approsch it more maturly and communicate better.

I'd stop him straight, unless he can give you actual proper reasons (he's about to lose his job, he's struggling financially etc.). Saying "most parents work full-time", isn't a reason why YOU should work full-time. I don't work full-time and I don't give a fuck if "most parents work full-time".

I wouldn't even entertain full-time work until the youngest was in school, but presumably, you're the one doing the school drop offs and pick ups, and of course the lions share of the house work, so it's understandable that you'd want to stick with part-time.

He clearly doesn't see any value on your contribution of parenting and housework, which is disappointing.

If he continues to bring this up daily, without giving any actual concerning reasons, it's just bullying at this point.

How much does he do percentage wise?
If he does 50% across the board then maybe.
If he just wants you earning and doung more, then NO.
Did he want a 3rd child?
Because those are big gaps IMO.
You have a lot going on.
I wouldn't agree to this if it turns you into the family workhorse.

Is your husband maybe concerned about his job security, but not sharing that with you?
I don't agree with his controlling approach, obviously, but the younger children sound like they still need quite a lot of time. Would your increased wages cover the increase in child care bills, for example?

You work 10 hours a week. Is your 18 month old in nursery then? Why can't you work 20 / 25 hours a week besides just not wanting to?

Running the house can be done after work and weekends like most families. You say you have other reasons not to want to work but don't bother elaborating.... how do you expect anyone to know if YABU or not if you don't elaborate?

She works 10 hours a week. It’s hardly worth bothering!

You can’t unilaterally decide that another grown up will financially support you. This has to be done in agreement with your partner. If he agreed then it’s all good but he doesn’t. You now need to be a big girl and support yourself. You don’t want to work full time? Most people don’t but they realise they can’t sponge from others for their whole life.

OP the only reason you gave the first four or five times is “I don’t want to”. No mention of needing to stay home to do childcare which you would have thought was the main reason and the one you were putting to your DH.

And here when you finally do mention childcare and housework they are only arm “also” reason and not the main concern..

It's all a bit odd, and you seem to be as stubborn and mysterious as he is.

I have asked DH these questions previously and he doesn’t answer them unfortunately.

Yeah, now! Which is fair enough since she works two afternoons a week.

Im talking about when OP works more hours!

We don't lack reading skill. In her original post the OP said "I just don't want to work full time". And repeated it as the reason for 5-6 pages. We took it at the face value. What did you read that we didn't? Her drip feed on page 7?