DH insisting I change my working hours

[OneTipsyRubyDreamer]

We have 3 DC. DH works full time 5 days a week. I work part time 2 days a week school
hours. DH has wanted me to move from part time to full time for years but now he’s suddenly started saying he “insists” that I need to ask my employer if I can go full time. I don’t want to go full time though. DH won’t stop going on about it and says he wants proof that I’ve asked my employer if I can go full time. I haven’t asked my employer about going full time because I don’t want to go full time but DH won’t take no for an answer though and he is putting a lot of pressure on me over it. He says things like “a lot of parents work full time so there’s no reason you can’t” but I don’t want to work full time! He can’t seem to understand the fact that I just don’t want to work full time and that I want to keep my current working hours for 2 days a week. AIBU?

Ah no, my husband hasn't a pot to piss in, but I don't want to work so who cares 😂

I work part time and have done since our first child was born, kids are now at university.
There is no way I would have wanted to work full time when they were little for many reasons and my DH was fine with that. He has said a few times that I should go back to work full time now the kids are not there all the time but my argument is that I do everything at home because he works long hours.
So I cook, clean, do the laundry, gardening and any DIY jobs that need doing. I couldn't do that if I was working full time.
Thankfully my DH would never insist I do that.
I would refuse to discuss any further unless he can explain properly why he thinks should should work full time.
If you are financially and you do most of the work at home then it is ultimately your decision.

Reading this & sincerely hoping none of my sons is ever gullible enough to get taken advantage of in the way this man has been. I mean- why on earth did he have 3 kids with someone showing this level of entitlement? One I can understand, maybe two. but three?

‘I don’t want to work more’. No, none of us do. Most of us aren’t parasites though, & understand that for a relationship to work, both parties need to treat each other with honesty and respect; that decisions need to be mutual; & that neither party owes the other a living.

Imagine the response if a man announced ‘I just don’t want to work more’ & treated his wife as a meal ticket as a result.

Exploitation & entitlement are wrong, no matter the sex of the perpetrator.

I have three sons by the way, and have worked full time apart from my maternity leave.

Do they have lots of medical appts, school meetings etc? If yes, then you can discuss with DH how these would be covered, would he take time off etc. Also how school holidays, school drop offs and pick ups etc would be managed.

Rather than saying no, I would say
"OK, so hypothetically I go back full time.

• how much more will nursery for 18 month old cost and who will pay this, is it cost effective
• who will do each nursery and school pick up. Break it down by child and day
• who will take to hospital appts
• how will 13 weeks school holiday be covered, cost of nursery, playschemes etc"

It sounds unlikely that he has a concre te plan around this? Or is his job very flexible and he us going to do half of everything, including housework?

Edit to say - I can see you asked and he couldn't answer. I would say "OK, when you have a detailed proposal on how this would work come back to me and we will discuss again.

If he is prepared to pick up half of all childcare, household jobs etc, then it does feel unreasonable for you to insist on doing 10 hours a week termtime only. But if he isn't, then he cannot insist on you working full time.

That's more 'keeping a foothold in the world of work' than actually working for a living isn't it?

Neither did you, beyond "I don't want to". Why wouldn't you support your family financially?

Reading this l am hoping my daughters aren’t that gullible either. Doing the lions share of house stuff, still working some days then their husband wants them to work full time AND do the donkey work at home as well. Over a decade of impacted pension contributions and earning potential to boot

Apologies just seen their ages up thread.

Rather than him going on every single day you need to sit down and insist he tells you the reasons he has or shut up. This needs proper communication

But you are just making this up. OP didn't say anything about childcare or house stuff until several messages down the thread. She is doing this right now because she barely works and is available to do it.

She is refusing to increase her hours because she just doesn't want to work. Childcare etc are just excuses, every working family manages to find solutions, she hasn't mentioned anything that makes her situation any different.

OP also hasn't mentioned anything about her husband refusing to do more childcare or household admin.

Hell be comparing himself negatively to other men who have full time working partners who still do the lion’s share of the domestic tasks. I find a lot of men will find people who they think have a better deal than them and feel aggrieved.

I’ve had to reduce my hours as my kids have gotten older. It’s not always easy to find wraparound care, especially when you add SEN in the mix. I had to reduce my hours when my autistic son was at primary for this reason and I have never really been able to increase them.

I think there's a good compromise in work PT school hours maybe 4 days a week though? OO has said her employer is flexible and would like her to do more hours.

She could then still have 1 day while.kids are in school to get bigger jobs done, and still be around for before / afterschool.

Or at least saying I'll increase my hours when the youngest goes to school.

There are reasonable answers that aren't just a childish "I don't want to" response

So I cook, clean, do the laundry, gardening and any DIY jobs that need doing. I couldn't do that if I was working full time

But you could. As that's exactly what everyone working full time does. Ditto the doctors appointments and the "birthdays" (I mean, wtaf) mentioned upthread.

If this thread was the other way round and we had an OP working full time with a DH who "doesn't want to work" more than two part-time days - with two older kids at school and one toddler at home - we'd be telling her she needed to sort out the cocklodger.

Sounds to me like the DH is thoroughly fed up of financially supporting the household, and tbh I can't blame him if the OPs response to why she can't work more is "don't want to."

And that's before you even get into the problems the OP is storing up for herself down the line, eg a lack of pension contributions and a lack of financial independence.

What am l making up?! OP point blank said he doesn’t do the lions share. He hasn’t explained and doesn’t even seem to want to suggest how they could balance it all out so day to day house / children stuff with full time work. Their eldest is 11 so factually that is well over a decade of impacted pension contributions and lowered earning potential (she isn't full time remember!), especially after 3 maternity leaves.

I have no skin in the game personally. I went back to work less than a year after having twins and nearly full time. My pension is looking great and l have been promoted since l went back to work so my earning power has increased a fair bit since having children. But that is due to my husband being hands on and not leaving me to carry the can. So far it sounds like OP husband wants it both ways: her doing house / children stuff AND working full time.

Funnily enough that’s what I do, 4 days a week school (ish) hours. Son is on a p/t timetable which makes it harder. Thankfully my DH really pulls his weight.

I’d advise OP to increase her hours if she can. My pension is fucked.

Ok. So do you think the nursery staff/nanny/childminder you paid to look after your son we're taking the piss? Why were you so happy to pay money for someone to just sit.around on their arse all day? I worked full time as well when my kids were a lot younger than the OPs. But I have also looked after them by myself so I'm not under some delusion that it's easy. Enjoyable/fulfilling yes but it's actually harder than working full.time
I think women should be careful losing their careers/independent income for all.sorts of reasons. But a woman who stays home to look after their 18 month old while also looking after school age children with SN and does all the housework isn't taking the piss.

Agreed. These comments are depressing AF.

She does the lion share because she works 10 hours a week. And term time only. She hasn’t said he refuses to step up.

they need to have a conversation properly

What do your pensions look like OP as it’s unlikely your husbands will support you both in retirement.

I paid out an absolute fortune in nursery fees. It never occured to me to call those women parasites!

But is your DH managing most of the domestic load and is the default parent for working weeks and school holidays? Because that makes a difference. And do you have three children with SEN and a toddler because that also makes a difference.

If you are working more hours AND taking most of the responsibility for the domestic load and the children (or even half of it) then you are absolutely right to feel resentful but that doesn’t seem to be the OPs situation.

OP I agree with PPs. Don’t engage if he won’t sit down and have a proper conversation about why he is so insistent and what he intends to pick up in terms of domestic load and childcare.

From experience, working 4 days a week can be brutal - I guess it depends on your employer and your husband, but I know many women who have said the same. This is particularly the case if you have to schedule all medical appointments etc for one day a week.

It might be okay for a job where there is absolutely no prep work required. In my case, my management was shoehorning the work from my 'day off' into the 4 days I was on the premises.

I don't think that that could happen in the OP's current role, but she should bear this in mind - and the difficulty of organising all appointments for one day still stands. By the time I went down to a 4-day week I was only looking after my husband. The OP has 3 family members to take into consideration, so harder to juggle.

In my case, my SLT simply re-allocated the teaching load for my 'day off' to my other 4 days and left me to sort out all the managerial tasks for the 5 days. Super... Legally, they could do that since the actual regulations only specify the minimum non-contact for a teacher - there's nothing set in stone for middle-managers in Scotland.

After a year, I asked to go down to a 3-day week and was refused.

I know at least one person in a non-teaching role in an English secondary who found herself in very similar position.

As discussed in many previous posts, the OP would still need her husband to take on the management of many of the household related tasks including appointments for the children.

Yes, it's depressing how many posters have referenced the OP saying that she does the lions share to point out that DH is useless.

Presumably these posters would only be happy if DH worked full time and did the majority of the housework and childcaring.

I wholeheartedly disagree that he would need to take on the management of the house and all appointments. Is there. Case for "Hey, I can't schedule an appointment for my off day, so DH will need to take time off"... absolutely. That's parenting.

She would still only be working 20 hours a week, term time.

He is working double.

How do people think families with 2 working FT parents do anything?

THIS! Haven't read the full thread, but I bet THIS is what would happen (and I'm male btw, if that's relevant).