DH insisting I change my working hours

[OneTipsyRubyDreamer]

We have 3 DC. DH works full time 5 days a week. I work part time 2 days a week school
hours. DH has wanted me to move from part time to full time for years but now he’s suddenly started saying he “insists” that I need to ask my employer if I can go full time. I don’t want to go full time though. DH won’t stop going on about it and says he wants proof that I’ve asked my employer if I can go full time. I haven’t asked my employer about going full time because I don’t want to go full time but DH won’t take no for an answer though and he is putting a lot of pressure on me over it. He says things like “a lot of parents work full time so there’s no reason you can’t” but I don’t want to work full time! He can’t seem to understand the fact that I just don’t want to work full time and that I want to keep my current working hours for 2 days a week. AIBU?

Well seeing as you don't know what I do you cannot say that. I am telling you I wouldn't be able to do everything. I have a huge garden, which takes a lot of work, I also have a big house that needs a lot of upkeep. That's on top of day to day stuff.
Thankfully I don't need to work full time and from the sounds of it nor does the OP.

From the OP tells us, at least.
I'd love to hear the withered husbands side of the story.

I said 'many of', not all. The actual balance depends on the number of hours both are working.

ETA This is particularly the case when there are Special Educational Needs to take into consideration.

In my case, doing everything on my own meant that I was on my knees in the end. As I've explained above, I wasn't fortunate enough to have children of my own but I finished up in a position where my husband was disabled. [ETA Also a big garden. It used to be tidy...In the end, I was just cutting the hedges and strimming. We tried to get someone in to help, but two different firms kept letting us down.]

With regard to the OP's position, she has a husband who is apparently unwilling to discuss the allocation of household management so there's a fear that she's going to finish up doing it all.

In my case, I was running on empty all the time. (Broken sleep really doesn't help either - when Mum was still alive I was having to get up during the night to help both her and my husband.)

I don't know the precise details of the OP's situation, only that one of her children is still very young and that at least one child has SEN, so I imagine that it's not going to be easy for her. I note that her husband is demanding that she work full-time.

I'm wondering whether there is anyone else on this thread who has experience of coping with everything whilst bringing up three children with such a wide age difference and also with SEN?

I would be happy if they both worked full time and DH did half.
She has asked him if they can discuss the split of school runs and school holidays and he won't.

Superb suggestion that you tell him that you will ask to pick up extra hours at the weekend once he is picking up more slack at home.

I think that will be an interesting conversation and might tease out if something else is at play.

I would be very suspicious of his motives, so be wary.

She has asked him if they can discuss the split of school runs and school holidays and he won't.

some men are just gold diggers, they want their wives to do all the work at home, bring up the children and go out to work full time - whilst they work full time

He's hardly a gold digger 😂
She has worked 10 hours a week, 30something weeks a year for over 10 years!

He's got to be the most unsuccessful gold digger ever given she's worked only 10 hours a week for at least 10 years.

lol you think bringing up 3 children and running a household swell as working part time can be all done in 10 hours a week!

Is this how the conversation went?

• I want you to go back full time.
• why?

-i just do

• well i don't want to
• why?

-i just don't

Because that's how your replies are coming across

How do you manage to save anything if you only work 10 hours a week?
I understand you must be doing most of the childcare but is most of his salary going on bills and an annual holiday?
Maybe that's why he wants you to work more
Surely there's a compromise. Lots of parents would like 2 days a week
Lots don't have a choice

Exactly op has been intentionally difficult with her responses. She clearly knows that she’s leaning out a huge chunk of info that’s why she’s being so evasive.

That’s mad in this day and age.
You can’t be building up much pension.

Plus it’s only during term time so over the year probably equates to half a day a week.

But you can guarantee that would be because she was also doing all the childcare and housework…

This is a great suggestion! I think we know what he’ll say 🤣

The childcare and housework shouldn’t take anything like 30hrs - that’s why some of us see her as lazy and entitled

I was thinking the same thing especially as he keeps badgering the OP about it.

OP is unlikely to be lazy if she is doing that, working and dealing with all the things having SEN children brings. I bet she works harder than many on here who are calling her lazy.

And she’s quoted gardening and diy as 2 major things she does that mean she needs to be part time

both of which are dismissed should a man say they take up lots of his time “doing his share”

op just CBA to work

working full time while your wife works (very) part time because she “wants to” is pretty shit gold digging!

True.
That’s even worse then. Too many people don’t think of the future.

My ex was very work-shy. I was working flat out to keep the roof over our heads and baby in childcare. I became very resentful as it was expected that I’d be the main breadwinner and then cook the dinner when I got home.

After 3 years of asking him to pull his weight and getting nowhere, I kicked him out. I’m still working full time and making the dinner when I get in, but I don’t have to do it while some lazy bloke is scratching his arse asking me when it’ll be ready.

I’d be very wary in your shoes OP. Your DH sounds like he’s struggling with being the main breadwinner. It’s a huge responsibility! And with the current cost of living he could very well be totally stressed out by it. You mentioned (eventually) your mental health… what about his?

You need to talk to him and get to the bottom of why he’s asking you ‘every single day’ to do more hours. If he leaves you, you’ll have to work full time 5 days a week to manage. If I were you I’d look at a compromise. You are working very, very few hours. It sounds like you have a great employer who is happy for you to work such short term-time only hours. Ask about adding in another couple of days and find out how much more nursery would be to see if it’s all viable.

But in all honesty? I think you’re on very, very dodgy ground. Once the resentment kicks in and the ick grows it’s very hard to come back from.

I think ATM money is tight for many people .We are in a difficult position as a Country and everything is more expensive now.I think his reasons must be largely financial .How old are DC what are their arrangements after School and Holidays ? Would he meet halfway if say you did 3 days .Maybe speak to him about that.Times have changed. and our Mums did PT and that was fine now its a bit different .