DH insisting I change my working hours

[OneTipsyRubyDreamer]

We have 3 DC. DH works full time 5 days a week. I work part time 2 days a week school
hours. DH has wanted me to move from part time to full time for years but now he’s suddenly started saying he “insists” that I need to ask my employer if I can go full time. I don’t want to go full time though. DH won’t stop going on about it and says he wants proof that I’ve asked my employer if I can go full time. I haven’t asked my employer about going full time because I don’t want to go full time but DH won’t take no for an answer though and he is putting a lot of pressure on me over it. He says things like “a lot of parents work full time so there’s no reason you can’t” but I don’t want to work full time! He can’t seem to understand the fact that I just don’t want to work full time and that I want to keep my current working hours for 2 days a week. AIBU?

@dottiedodah OP works 9.30-2.30 two day a week term time only. I assume that means she doesn’t have to juggle after school care or school holidays.

Not gold diggers, but quite happy for their wives to be complete work horses.

In a vaguely similar situation, my nursing friend had the same pressure from her lazy selfish husband.

She duly spoke to HR and increased her hours, but starting at 7.30am.

This change mean HE would be getting two children out the door in the morning, a job he had scrupulously avoided to date.

He wanted different hours but she refused.
He was cranky doing it and when her son complained that Daddy was very grumpy in the morning it was the catalyst to talk to her parents who lived nearby.

They offered to step in and drop the children and on that basis she told him she wanted a divorce.
She wasn't happy, and the final straw was realising her children were being impacted.

It was a complete shock to him that she was done.
He clearly didn't want the marriage to end, so told her things would change, and they did.
The changed only cemented in her mind what a fool she had been tolerating his laziness.

Good men don't use their wives as workhorses, arseholes do.

Personally I do think you should be increasing your hours. Maybe your husband wants to go on two holidays a year or want to move in the future or feel less stressed by having a bigger household income to fall back on if anything happened to him or his job. Maybe he wants to make sure there is plenty to retire on?

You sound like your employer is open to you working more, could you try extra hours to some degree and see how it goes before committing to full time? Can you work from home one extra day a week or start earlier so DH does the dc on your working days? Can you always do 9 to 3 not 9.30 to 2.30…
I think you need to find a compromise here and depending on what that is, DH should be doing more in the house (not for an extra hour a day necessarily though) but I would look at how your working/ committing/house type duties are split so you both have equal downtime

Tell him you won’t discuss this again with him until HE tells you the answer to these questions and how HE will shoulder the additional responsibility of what your working FT will create.

and mean it. Broken record time.

If you have a toddler it might make sense to stick with the 10 hours a week (term time only) but I think you should justify more quantitatively, in terms of extra income versus costs of childcare, quality of childcare, and other reasons. Explain how you pull equal weight in the marriage in other ways.

Just saying ‘I don’t want to’ is not a valid reason because I bet your DH doesn’t want to either.

I work very part time and my husband full time, but he's totally fine with it for many reasons. We've paid the mortgage off, have large savings and investments and there's no need for me to work more. I work as a tutor anyway, which is very sporadic hours.

I suppose I'm lazy then?

The problem here isn't the OP's working hours, it's the fact her DH isn't happy about the imbalance.

I sense some people are just jealous and bitter because they HAVE to work full time or there's no food on the table. It doesn't sound like this is the case for the OP, it's just the imbalance bit.

But her DH wants her to work full-time. I am talking about the consequences of doing that and if it is clear to OP's DH what that will cost.

No, she doesn't. She said she would ring a non-listed parent as a last resort - and that last resort tended to be the father.

I don’t think anyone wants to work?

Of course if Dh earns enough and you both agree that you do more of the housework/childcare then that’s fine but Woking full time has its bonuses? If anything was to happen to dh you would still have good money coming in? If your dh was to leave you then you would have your own income and money?

I think if I was able to I would work more. As long as you dh agrees to share all housework and childcare. If one of the DC’s is sick then one of you would need to take time off, you would need to both be willing to take time off and not always the same person.

You could compromise by taking in one more day?

No he doesn't, hence the resentment. If he did my view would be different. Whether I'd be happy with maintaining that situation is another matter. But that's a hypothetical.
OP and her husband really need to talk.

@OneTipsyRubyDreamer is adamant that she will do no more hours. So her husband is flogging a dead horse. He can either quit nagging or divorce if it's that important to him.

A toddler of 18mths needs its mother, not childcare. And one of her DC has SEN. OP's DH seems unreasonable, given he has a child under 2.

Not from the sounds of it.

I'm 56, have known lots of people and I've never met a single man who pulls his full weight at home. Including my own, but he at least has never expected me to work full time and has always financially supported any extra help that I need.
The OP's husband isn't offering any compromise, he wants her to work full time, not an extra day or two, he's not offering to help at home and won't discuss it.
I'd say some idiot has been bending his ear in the pub or online about how he is being taken advantage of. Or he is looking for a divorce.

I would be a bit concerned that he wants to split up, and if I worked full time he'd not be on the hook for as much maintenance.

OP. I hate to repeat it but I am concerned your OH is considering divorce. Not unusual with SEN kids on board
I would not say anything but please get your ducks in a row.
increase your emergency savings. (Runaway money)
get copies of all financial info and save it off site - desk at work or your best mates.
discuss with a therapist and how to tackle it.
his behaviour is off and you know it.

is it because he wants to split? Is it because he is having an affair? Bored of being a SEN parent? In trouble at work and worried how the family will survive? You won’t know unless he tells you but in the meantime get yourself ready.

in the meantime you can honestly tell him you will consider increasing your hours when youngest is at school full time AND your SEN child needs less infrastructure around them.
unless of course DH is planning to be available for x y z every week and to do the health care and therapy appointments.

ask him - are you about to be made redundant? Are you worried about our future? Has something happened I should know about?

choose your moment. When you are ready. And not when there is a rush or alcohol involved.

if he continues with this I’d say your marriage is breaking down and you should consider suggesting marital counselling for the 2 of you.

best of luck OP. You have a lot on your plate.

But she does have to if her husband won't sub her lifestyle any more.

You don’t need 3 days to keep on top of the house and kids. I do all that in 1 day.

Im sure you do like working 2 short days a week, but wouldn’t we all. It’s laziness and entitlement. Either contribute fairly or expect the consequences (will your marriage last with resentment?)

I am sure the OP would manage if she had to but if I was her I would be damned if I would be doing it all alone given that there is another fully functional adult and co parent living there.

The fact that he refuses to even discuss how her being full time would work for them suggests that he has no intention of anything changing for him except that they have more money coming in.

I agree with PP that there may be more to this, that he wants her to be earning well so that he can leave guilt free and hang on to more of the marital assets in the divorce.

ETA interesting that despite all the op has said, you dont call her husband lazy for not pulling his weight.

OP didn’t say her husband wants her to work full time he just wants her to increase her hours. Which considering she’s only working 10 hours a week isn’t unreasonable.

In which case he can divorce her...and either carry on "subbing her lifestyle" or have the DC 50:50.
Marrying someone and having kids with them does leave you with responsibilities

Actually I read the comment as being most families use female relatives as the default, and teachers naturally follow the info they’re given by families 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wrong. I’m childfree by choice.

OP specifically did say DH requires f/t

There are people but most married women have a working husband or if single, just get benefits, because no one really can work full time and does school runs, etc ....like when you are going to be one woman at two places at the same time.

The OP does NOT NEED advice on how someone does that. That is ridiculous. The husband is a dick and manipulates something which will come up