DH insisting I change my working hours

[OneTipsyRubyDreamer]

We have 3 DC. DH works full time 5 days a week. I work part time 2 days a week school
hours. DH has wanted me to move from part time to full time for years but now he’s suddenly started saying he “insists” that I need to ask my employer if I can go full time. I don’t want to go full time though. DH won’t stop going on about it and says he wants proof that I’ve asked my employer if I can go full time. I haven’t asked my employer about going full time because I don’t want to go full time but DH won’t take no for an answer though and he is putting a lot of pressure on me over it. He says things like “a lot of parents work full time so there’s no reason you can’t” but I don’t want to work full time! He can’t seem to understand the fact that I just don’t want to work full time and that I want to keep my current working hours for 2 days a week. AIBU?

None of this can happen without a conversation and a proper look at how ALL the work would be divided, the admin the school runs the housework etc everything

The OP is right not to want to increase her hours and not share out the other load and not to want her 18 month old not to go into more childcare

I think you need to have a proper conversation with him to establish what his concern is/what the extra money would be used for .

Is he concerned about pensions and retirement?

What would happen if he was sick or critically ill (you may well have this covered if he is paying for income protection until retirement).

He may be thinking of separating and he wants you to have more money to help your security.

He may just want to share the financial load and house admin more equally.

My husband was a sahd, then he was main carer with a part time job who upped his hours as the children got older. I was okay being the only earner for several years but I’m not sure I’d have wanted that burden into today’s economic climate with prices rising as quickly as they have.

It might also be resentment. A feeling that he is being "taken advantage of" because he works and his wife has an easier life sitting at home all day. That would piss me of because it shows a disrespect for the work she actually does do. I wouldn't have a problem with going full time for financial reasons (or because I wanted to) I would if it was because my husband had it in his head my life was too easy. Both because it shows contempt for what she does do and a mean dog in a manger attitude about not wanting his partner to be happier than him.

If it is financial he needs to be honest with her because it's not fair if he has an understanding of the family finances he refuses to share.

How much do you understand of your current financial situation? His job security?

it does seem very unfair your working only 2 days a week.

you doing 4 days a week would ( should anyway ) roughly mean the same amount of working hours assuming you stay in charge of all house & family related stuff

as it is you have time he doesn’t have to yourself
and he has I suspect the greater financial burden - i would resent your position

“I don’t want” sounds like a sulky child not an adult

You seem to have a fundamental communication issue. He can't articulate why you have to work full time and you can't articulate why you can't.

I haven’t read the full thread, only your replies OP so my apologies if this has already been asked several times but if your employer is being flexible as to your hours, can you and your dh not agree a compromise whereby you increase your hours but don’t go full time?

I really struggle to understand how people end up married and raising several kids when important things like this can’t just be discussed in a grown up, empathic way. But hey ho 🤷‍♀️

I used to work school hours 3 days pw and it worked well for our family because it meant I was there for all the hours the kids were home or needed taking to clubs etc plus I had a day or two off to catch up on household admin. I would have liked to have worked 4 days but my employer wouldn’t stretch to that! So I found some freelance work to help out. I think if you can do more hours, and it’s important to your dh, then you should, esp when you have access to more free childcare hours for your youngest.

But I do agree that it sometimes doesn’t make sense when you take out the ‘cost’ of doing a full time job (commute, child care, cleaning, tax etc) there sometimes isn’t a lot left to justify the effort (unless of course you’re on a Mumsnet salary…)

And yet if the DH wanted to drop to two days a week there would be uproar. Sounds like OP has a cushy number working only 2 days a week. And Her DH is sick of carrying the financial burddn. If somebody expected me to work full time when they did 2 days a week i wouldn't tolerate that.

I think you have hit the nail on the head. Especially as he doesn't have any answers when she starts to question how the childcare arrangements will work. He probably just assumes OP will somehow still manage to do it all as well as working full time.

I think everyone’s in agreement that the dh shouldn’t carry the financial burden IF HE DOESNT WANT TO however it also seems that he isn’t that keen to share the emotional and practical load too…

OP has an 11 year old, a 6 year old and an 18 month old. So gaps of 4.5-5 years, which means that
a) she only has pre-school age child at a time
b) next child comes along just as the previous one starts school, at the time when most parents start to have more time and at least think about increasing their working hours
c) the time frame for which she has at least one very young child is a lot longer than for most families

Now, I didn't want to say it outright because the reason might well be related to fertility or other personal reasons, which is entirely OP (and her DH's business), but equally it's quite unusual to have 3 children spaced this way, unless you are deliberately trying to always have a baby at home or to have a justification for not working. And maybe it has just dawned on DH that, having thought that OP might increase her working hours after 10 years of working very part time, she now has a young child again and that's not going to happen for a lot longer unless he makes a point of pushing it.

I would be very interested to know what conversations were had about money and working before OP got pregnant with the youngest, but like I say, none of my business.

With those age gaps, did you have the 3rd so you'd not have to go back to work full time.

If he's had 11 years of carrying the full weight of financial responsibility of household can see my he might be ready for a change in dynamic.

Oh, right. Yeah, if that's what the poster is thinking I don't know why they don't just say it.

It's not far off the age gaps between me and my siblings, so I was wondering what bad thing my parents as well as OP were supposed to have done.

Well, maybe that's it then, but I am assuming (perhaps wrongly) that each child was mutually planned between the parents...

What is wrong with that? Small gaps don't suit everyone.

It doesn't sound like OP has asked these questions though. Rather they go around in circles saying "Go to work full time" "I don't want to"

I can kind of see your DH's point tbh. Point blank refusing to work more or contribute more to the family finances 'just because you don't want to' would irk a lot of people. What about a compromise OP? Since you say you do the lion's share of childcare, etc, how about upping your hours to three days a week for now and seeing how that goes? Then once your youngest is at school you could up it again to four days a week? Working 9.30-2.30 two days a week is only 10 hours a week - that really isn't a lot.

She said in one of her updates that she has discussed all that with him and he doesn't have any answers.

RTFT.

He's not wrong to be stressed about being totally financially responsible and he's not wrong to want to discuss a change.

He's wrong for not wanting to discuss or accept how he will pick up some of the domestic stuff once OP has picked up some of the earning.

I can understand him wanting you to work more if you bring in more but if not then there has to be some other reason.

I work part time, I do 9-3ish 4 days a week all year round. During the school holidays I don't make a lot of money when we use childcare but overall it's worth it financially and both me and the kids get a change of scenery instead of having to figure out how to entertain ourselves cheaply all day every day during every school holiday.

Occasionally I'll start at 8 which isn't worth it financially with breakfast club but it's better in the long run when I need more hours. Working after 3 is pointless, I wouldn't make any money with the childcare so the kids would be stuck in a club they hated for no reason and there would be less.time for the jobs that I get done after school. I have considered it in an effort to get the housework shared but I'll probably still end up doing it all.

As a couple you really need to sit down and discuss the pros and cons of you working full time. It's all very well saying he wants you to and you don't but there needs to be actual evidence either way.

She did ages ago.....

An employer that allows school hours and term time without also being a minimum wage job actually in a school is the holy grail - hang onto that job!

I think you need to sit down have a proper conversation about it and gain both his reasons for your going FT and your reasons for not.

Reading this, if there's no financial issues it seems that your DH may think you're not pulling your weight or contributing enough.... maybe he doesn't understand just how much you do and that the housework fairies don't arrive once he and the kids leave and do everything for you lol! However, he also has to realise that if you go FT then he and the kids will need to help around the house.

Having said all of that I do agree with your DH that many parents work FT, both myself and DH do and long hours inc being on call after work and with 3 kids. It's alot and it does get on top of us at times but if your both on the samepage and pull your weight equally it is managable. Our kids have to help too they are older than yours granted but your eldest and middle one could do chores. Our Dc are 15,10 & 7.

What age are your children ?

I did RTFT... but I'm probably also finding it hard to read anything the OP says truthfully because she has dripped so much and still is adamant she just doesn't want to.

Omw home now to tell my DH I don't want to work FT anymore.

😂

I can absolutely guarantee that if a woman posted that her DH was only working 10 hours a week and she wanted him to go back to work full time that nobody would be calling her controlling. More than likely they'd be saying he was lazy or, inevitably, to LTB.

Same here. I mean, we have some savings and he earns enough to keep a roof over our heads so why should I have to work full time too?! 😁