DH insisting I change my working hours

[OneTipsyRubyDreamer]

We have 3 DC. DH works full time 5 days a week. I work part time 2 days a week school
hours. DH has wanted me to move from part time to full time for years but now he’s suddenly started saying he “insists” that I need to ask my employer if I can go full time. I don’t want to go full time though. DH won’t stop going on about it and says he wants proof that I’ve asked my employer if I can go full time. I haven’t asked my employer about going full time because I don’t want to go full time but DH won’t take no for an answer though and he is putting a lot of pressure on me over it. He says things like “a lot of parents work full time so there’s no reason you can’t” but I don’t want to work full time! He can’t seem to understand the fact that I just don’t want to work full time and that I want to keep my current working hours for 2 days a week. AIBU?

Do you have any insight into his financials? If he is this insistent, it sounds like he has some concerns.

This

There is quite a jump between you working 2 part days as you are now and going full time. I wonder if there is a compromise to be made here. I worked half time (18.5 hours per week) from DS being a year old. When he started school, I was able to do 'school hours' over 4 days so I could pick him up and drop him off.

I wouldn't have wanted to work full time while DS was little. I always planned to try to go full time once he was at secondary but in the end I did it when he was 9 in part because an opportunity came up but also because I wanted the extra security as my marriage wasn't great. I would have loved to stay part time though. Even now my goal is to work 4 days (DS is now at Uni).

You need to find out what has triggered this in your DH.

Surely it’s a case of ‘hello husband, you haven’t put any good reasons forward why I must work full time. I don’t want to and won’t be. We are financially stable and out SEN children need one of us available to support them. You are not offering to do that so I will continue to on my current hours. Unless there is something that I am unaware of, like a gambling habit or debt or other such tangible reason for me to increase my hours, I don’t want us to discuss this again!’ I would add, now fuck off, but it doesn’t really add anything!

It's fair he doesn't want to carry the Financial burden but I wouldn't entertain FT until he works out what days he is doing drop offs and probably do them for a couple of weeks to prove it works. Dont let yourself end up doing all the childcare etc.

I have a child with SEN and although it's not particularly bad, he does just require a lot more input/planning than my NT one

What dos he do in the home @OneTipsyRubyDreamer

How does he suggest you cover school holidays?

He sounds controlling. But you don’t get to unilaterally decide to bring less money in and work fewer days, I think this has to be agreed.

If you can’t agree it sounds as though the relationship might end so it might be best to be able to be financially independent anyway.

Not surprising as the OP only dropped it in when ‘I don’t want to’ wasn’t getting her anywhere. Now it’s her mental health as well.

It sounds like the DH is a bit frustrated and if she communicates with him like she is on this post I’m not surprised yet he’s getting accused of everything from a gambling addiction and planning a divorce to being a shit dad. Maybe he is but OP isn’t doing herself any favours being so evasive.

I like this plan- get some weekend work and see how he goes looking after them shopping cleaning and cooking.

My 7yo has similar challenges to the op on articulating any opinion beyond ‘I don’t want to’

Because she's born him 3 children, youngest only being a year old, raised them, and taken care of the household.

I’m inclined to think it’s money issues he’s not talking about. Or he’s feeling pressured or worried about losing his job or redundancy.

it doesn’t make sense otherwise, a bit weird for there to be no other basis or context

Well there's your answer. Say I'll ask once you've answered my questions.

My gut is saying working 2 days a week school hours is very little, and why not e.g 3, but you've got 3 children, one still a toddler and SEN.

If you can understand your finances and make sure that's not the reason he's pushing this, I'd state you're not going to talk about it again unless he is willing to have a proper two-way conversation about the pros and cons.

It doesn't, but it does have the potential to massively limit your earning potential and ability to balance work and life. As someone who did work full time when her children were little it's very hard to deal with rolled eyes in the office when you have to leave halfway through the day for the second time that week. Especially when you know you are genuinely letting colleagues down/leaving other people scrambling to pick up the burden. And then when you get badly sick with the flu etc you end up having to struggle into work anyway because you already took so much time of to cover your kids sickness. And then you pick the children up still run down and exhausted.

Because the OPs husband has been working full time with a wife to cover the childcare stuff he hasn't ever had to worry about this. I don't think it's a bad idea for the OP to work more hours but if she does the husband needs to pull his weight. Which is unfortunately unlikely given his stance of not wanting to discuss it. He doesn't sound like someone who appreciates what his wife has done so far and that's unlikely to change if she's working full time and still taking care of child related issues.

Marriage is about compromise though OP. Why do you get it all your own way?

I'm sure must of us would love to work 5 hours a day 2 days a week!

You are being unreasonable in saying you won't work full time because you just don't want to, but you would be very reasonable to say you want a detailed plan of exactly how all domestic work would be shared equally between you if you did go full time. Every last detail, all household tasks, all childcare, all drop offs and pick ups, all days off work because a child is sick, all school holidays coverage , all ferrying of kids about, everything. You may find that when he realises how much more he would have to do he changes his mind.

So when is your DH moving to part-time, just like you? That’ll be fine will it to pay the mortgage, council tax, groceries, school uniform and shoes etc? Because you think working part-time manages very well to pay for those.

How selfish of you OP.

In your shoes, I’d be telling him if he refuses to sit down with you and have a proper adult discussion, then there’s no way you’re entertaining changing your current work arrangements. He needs to communicate like a grown up and, as is often said on MN, use his words!

it may very well be that you need to change your stance, but perhaps so does he. But how can you reach agreement or any kind of compromise if the issue doesn’t get discussed?

If OP has a tricky 18 month old and another child with SEN and does all the housework and childcare and works in a school for 2 days a week, then I think she is doing more than the equivalent to full time work.

If the DC are a handful, she may have to fit all the housework etc into the 3 days she doesn't work which doesn't give her a lot of time between school and nursery drop off and pick up. She may even like to sit down for half an hour when she's not working. If her youngest is not at nursery on those days it's even more difficult.

Why does she need to work full time if they can afford it? Who would that benefit? Not the DC and not OP (although she will need to top up her pension if she isn't making any contributions)

I think you are a bit unreasonable to just say you don't want to. I don't want to, but i do. Once upon a time I had 3 kids under 5 and dh and i both worked full time. It was crazy. I still do and they are still all at school, eldest is 16.

However.

If he won't discuss your concerns and work out the practicalities with you, then I'd tell him he can do one with his own demands... no doubt he just expects the extra money coming into the house, but has no intention to taking on any of the extra burden of housework or childcare.

This post has got to be a wind up / rage bait. If so, well done. If not, go back to work FT you lazy fecker.

She already said he doesn't want to work part time. Otherwise a compromise where they both work 3 days a week could be very good
I worked full time with young kids. I know it can be done. However, I also spent a lot of time as the sole carer of those children so I am not deluded about being a stay at home mother being the easy option. Rewarding and nice for the parent and kids yes. Easy no. And when you put your children in nursery they tend to get sent home all the bloody time with fevers so ideally both parents have to take time of work to look after them. Which works don't like. OPs husband has/is benefitting from not having to do that.

There is nothing wrong with both parents working. In fact there are advantages to the mother. But some of the people on here and possibly the OPs husband seem motivated by a resentment that one person (the OP) is getting an easy ride by not working.l full time. Which is nonsense.

Maybe he doesn’t want to work full time either?

Wow, people get really snotty about this sort of thing.

If you don't have to work full time, and your DH is fine with that, then working part time hours is completely fine. It's circumstantial.

Clearly in the OP her DH isn't happy with it, so a long discussion and compromise needs to be had.

What people shouldn't be doing is making snide sweeping statements that anyone working very part time hours is lazy and the whole 'oh wouldn't that be nice' attitude. It's just jealousy, and it's an ugly attitude.