DH insisting I change my working hours

[OneTipsyRubyDreamer]

We have 3 DC. DH works full time 5 days a week. I work part time 2 days a week school
hours. DH has wanted me to move from part time to full time for years but now he’s suddenly started saying he “insists” that I need to ask my employer if I can go full time. I don’t want to go full time though. DH won’t stop going on about it and says he wants proof that I’ve asked my employer if I can go full time. I haven’t asked my employer about going full time because I don’t want to go full time but DH won’t take no for an answer though and he is putting a lot of pressure on me over it. He says things like “a lot of parents work full time so there’s no reason you can’t” but I don’t want to work full time! He can’t seem to understand the fact that I just don’t want to work full time and that I want to keep my current working hours for 2 days a week. AIBU?

I do, do I?

You're entitled to your opinion, erroneous though it is.

She doesn’t need school hols or school run due to her very limited working hours of 9.30-2.30pm, 2 days per week during term time. So literally working 10 hours per week, 39 weeks a year. Could easily increase her days to 3 or 4 per week as a compromise.

I‘m not getting this: why does she have to work. Surely she can choose not to - especially as there aren’t any financial issues. Who are you to chastise another woman for not wanting to work more days and wanting to be with her young kids?!

OP: I’d stand firm and tell your husband you’re needed at home - especially given the age of your youngest two. If he puts any more pressure on you tell him he’s being abusive and how would he like to be a part time Dad with half a house.

So you don’t want to work full time. Poor you. No one wants to work full time. Yet we do. I went back to 5 days a week when my first was 12 months old. We then started to split house hold chores 50/50. Nursery has been great for ours. Our son is now in primary school and top of his class. You’re working less than part time, your hours on the 2 days you work aren’t even full days. You should be contributing financially. Not just for the family but for your own personal benefit! I have family experience of a mum not wanting to do her share of paid work, only working 2 days a week every now when the kids are 22 and 19! And the resentment from their DH is strong.

Yes. You are being unreasonable to expect to continue working so few hours if your husband isn’t happy with that arrangement.

A compromise is clearly needed, but fortunately there is a lot of difference between working full time and working 2 days a week school hours only, which I assume is a maximum of 12 hours a week, so plenty of room to compromise.

I’d say a good option would be 3 full days or 4 days of school hours only. The latter would probably be most convenient.

The OP’s husband would need to take on more of the household tasks, but I’d still expect the OP to do the lion’s share given that she would still be working considerably fewer hours that he is.

There are certainly good reasons for both you and your DH's arguments, but his are not coming across. I wouldn't even address the practicalities until he has explained his reasoning.

Who would benefit from you working ft?
What would be the benefits?
What drawbacks are there?

What are his worries with the current situation?

Just keep asking him, tell him you can't see where he is coming from. If it is just about money, again try to find out is it for immediate benefits (holiday, move house?) or for general future financial security.

On the surface, you have worked very pt for many years, and if it's low paid as well, the financial contribution may be very unequal. Of course you contribute in other ways, but you have been on a low income for a long time. However, 3 dc, one of whom is a toddler and also SEN to consider - it seems many mothers would prefer this (I would) in this set up.

I agree it doesn't matter what others do. But if he starts comparing, he must know in the SEN community, it's pretty rare to have 2 ft working parents.

Good luck op, it needs to be addressed so resentment doesn't build up. Once you understand his reasons better you can consider his position and take it from there.

10-12 hours a week with 13 weeks off. That's not part-time, that's a hobby.

Would four days a week be a good compromise?

Work out the nursery/childcare costs etc. Also take into account pension contributions from working. It's not unreasonable for him to want to build up family savings, and perhaps more of a pension for the longer term. 10 hours a week isn't much at all - I did more as a part-time worker when I was at school.

At one point DH and I shared an Office and if he answered the phone to the school they would ask to speak to me !!

I don’t know how he can be insisting you go full time without having a proper conversation about it, explaining why he feels you need to. If he keeps “insisting” you go full time, can’t you just “insisting” you need to talk about it in depth with him before you’ll speak to your employer?

1. 18 months is not a baby.
2. Very ignorant of you to call people incels because they have a different point of view than yours. Educate yourself on the meaning of incel before throwing words around!

Well, the two of you could have a grown-up conversation and come to an arrangement that works for both of you, and the family in general.

or you could just LTB.

I don’t work in a school. I work in PR but my employer agreed to me working 2 days a week school hours term time only after my first MAT leave. My employer would happily let me work full time 5 days a week from 9-5 and that’s what DH wants me to do but I haven’t asked my employer about that because I don’t think it’s manageable for me with childcare and everything I do at home and also because of my children’s SEN and my mental health amongst a few other reasons.

Presumably you are doing the majority of the caring for the three SEN children and the cooking and the cleaning. My children were not neurotypical and I found they needed more time and effort. I personally tutored my son through high school maths which took a huge amount of time. I did work fulltime but my husband would organise dinner while I tutored. He also had very flexible working arrangements working from home so was able to be the person with sick children at home and so on. He also absolutely did his share of housework.

Your husband seems obsessed and utterly determined to the point of demanding proof that you have asked for extra hours and raising the matter every day while refusing to discuss his reasons. I can only think of two things that would drive somebody to act like this. One is that somebody has been getting in his ear about it- a mate perhaps boasting about how great it is his wife works fulltime and all the extra money. As for the the other reason and I am sorry to even suggest this but is it possible that he has had his head turned by somebody and plans to bail and wants you working fulltime to reduce his liabilities? The fact that he is so frantic makes me suspect the latter is a possibility. Do you have any grounds for suspicion as to this?

Maybe being the main breadwinner is stressful, or he hates his job and would like to move into something more rewarding, wants to spend more time with the kids?

2 days a week is about 10 hours maybe a bit more when you start easier. If you have to pay for childcare for your 18 month old- would going full time 9:30-2:30 everyday be financially viable? If they are in a nursery those hours wouldn’t generally fit with a half day session. I was expecting you to say your youngest was at school given your DH insistence which would have made a lot more sense on his part!!

Are you entitled to DLA for the children?

If you earn a good salary by working more hours, you could buy in some help at home and still come out ahead.

How much does he do on the domestic front?

Do you know exactly where the money goes? What the bills are? What's left (if anything)?

I would just say that I didn't want to hear another word about it until he was prepared to sit down and have a proper, full and frank discussion about it.

I’d not be asking my employer to go FT. You have a nice set up currently - if you go FT you’ll probably never be able to go back to PT
grey rock him - until he comes up with how logistics will work you’re doing noting.
also work out what the difference financially would be by the time you account for childcare - see if he thinks its worth it,
why don’t you pretend to have to go to the office for a full day tomorrow - see how he will cope.

@OneTipsyRubyDreamer how do you plan to deal with this op?

Or a money worry hes hiding?

You sound like you are both communicating terribly.
you don’t have any fundamental right to decide to work part time just because you ‘don’t want to’ which seems to be most of your argument on this thread. I’d divorce my dh if he decided to work part time because he ‘just wanted to’. I presume most of your reasoning despite your extremely vague reasoning here is the family load. How much does he do, and how much do you do? How much does childcare cost?

You need to talk to each other. He hasn’t communicated why he wants this and you don’t seem to have communicated any more than my 7yo saying I don’t want to. Would childcare be very expensive, what would happen to the kids after school, if wrap around what’s the total extra cost, he would obviously have to do half the drop offs, pick ups, sports, shopping and cooking and dinner, so ask him which days hes planning to collect and cook while you work.
TALK TO EACH OTHER YOU’RE NOT TWO 6 YEAR OLDS.

we have 3 dc and are both full time.

Ok so the youngest is still little, what is he planning for childcare for the children if you’re working an extra 3 days?
Have you worked out how much more you’d have to pay in childcare compared to how much more money you’d bring home?
Can you compromise on going up to 3 days then full time when youngest DC is in full time school?

Sorry I missed the bit about SEN. Do you have a lot of appointments and have to provide quite a lot of support?

what SEN do they have?