DH insisting I change my working hours

[OneTipsyRubyDreamer]

We have 3 DC. DH works full time 5 days a week. I work part time 2 days a week school
hours. DH has wanted me to move from part time to full time for years but now he’s suddenly started saying he “insists” that I need to ask my employer if I can go full time. I don’t want to go full time though. DH won’t stop going on about it and says he wants proof that I’ve asked my employer if I can go full time. I haven’t asked my employer about going full time because I don’t want to go full time but DH won’t take no for an answer though and he is putting a lot of pressure on me over it. He says things like “a lot of parents work full time so there’s no reason you can’t” but I don’t want to work full time! He can’t seem to understand the fact that I just don’t want to work full time and that I want to keep my current working hours for 2 days a week. AIBU?

but why does one person have to work full time “because the other does” if the money isn’t needed?

My DH chooses to work full time just like the OPs. That doesn’t mean he gets to decide I have to as well!

I’m not lazy!

Then he needs to be an adult and tell the OP that, not “because it’s what other people do”

You are working full-time, you're just not getting paid for it. Write the job description and person specification for everything you do at home that he doesn't, and get him to pay you 😎 Childcare, running the house, dentist, GP, birthdays, clothes etc.

Would there even be an increase in income if you went full time? I stayed part time because any increase in hours would have led to an increase in childcare bills and not have been sustainable over school holidays. Only now they’re in secondary school have I been able to increase my hours and it is having an effect on the home. He sounds unreasonably to not even discuss the practical side the change would cause.

Your husband is an arse.

Tell him OK you'll work weekends and he can have the kids. Watch him change his tune.

I agree with this. He's not giving you answers for a reason he's not being honest about. I would hold your ground like a rock and keep repeating yourself untill whatever it is he's not being honest about comes out in some way or another.

You don't want to work full time.
I imagine lots of people men and women don't want to work full time. But it isn't always a choice.
Your DH must have a reason so it is likely financial.
You say your 2 days are school hours so not a long working day then. If you worked extra days presumably the hours would be the same ,so no problem with school pick ups. Etc.
I think you should compromise. Maybe 4 days and with him helping more at weekends.
You didn't mention if he helps with children etc.
Frankly I think you are being a bit selfish.
Odd he doesn't say why but maybe he feels you will have a better lifestyle if you worked more.

Offer him a trial run of shared household and childcare responsibilities for 6 weeks, on the basis that if you can both make it work carrying the load equally during this time, then you will consider full time employment.

I’m confident you won’t make it past week 1.

Do you know for certain that you can afford to carry on PT work?

Just because you have a years savings in your 30's - its not a lot , You both need to be plugging in to pensions and universty payments

Perhaps that's his concern? That things are getting tighter and tighter for most families , we read on here that even high earners are struggling , I know for myself, with 3 kids , Id be wanting to earn to the best of my ability so I wouldn't be relying on the state pension before I could retire - for you that could be well over 70 !!

I'd like DH to work more, but he can't or won't, not quite sure which. I have no option but to work FT. Among many other things, this puts a big strain on our relationship.

Be careful OP, you might find yourself separating with only a 10 hour a week job to support yourself and your kids.
Talk to him, you have to discuss this properly before it destroys your marriage.

Oh dear!You sound very entitled.
Lots of people don't want to work full time either.

I'd insist he have a conversation about it, including specifics about why he wants this and how he plans to help pick up the slack that would result in you being at work full time. Every time he brings it up, I'd ask if he was ready to sit down and talk about it, and if not, I'd say that I wasn't planning to make any changes without a Big Conversation.

The logical explanation is that he thinks you should be bringing more money into the family, but he needs to be prepared to say so and look at how it would actually work in terms of potentially increased childcare costs and responsibilities. If you're working full time, you should expect him to step up and do a lot more, both around the house and in daily care for the children. Somehow I doubt that's part of his master plan...

ETA: But you do need to be prepared to face a possible reality that maybe you really should increase your hours. I'd just make sure that he's not thinking you'll increase your hours and still do the lion's share of everything else, too, because that's not fair, either.

I would be prepared to put money on the fact that your DH wants you to go full time but he doesn’t want to pick up any of the household/child caring responsibilities. It’s not until you know this that you can decide.

Each time he asks if you have asked yet you need to say that you will ask when he has sat down and had an adult conversation about how things will need to be split and managed. He will not be helping you, it will become his other job in the same way you will have 2 jobs.

I’m then willing to bet that he will say he earns more and has a big important job so he can’t do more.

This is what in my experience men do, they are self centred. There is no way I would work full time and do all the household stuff and childcare, I’d rather be a single parent.

Why not though? I used to work two days, and then increased to three half day when school started. Can’t you increase your days and still do school hours? “I don’t want to” won’t cut it if your partner isn’t supportive of you working part time.

I’m incredibly lucky that my husband (kindly!) insists that I don’t work full time. He sees the value in me being at home as much as possible. Not everyone thinks that way though, and you really can’t work so little when you don’t have the backing of your partner. It just doesn’t work, and breeds resentment, leading to a failed relationship. Resentment kills relationships.

Perhaps he’s sick of being pretty much the only financial provider?

Some may say he’s controlling; but OP may be being controlling here too by refusing to help her partner and work more.

I would be very wary of him and this situation.
He doesn't share the load, wants you back full-time, won't discuss it, just nags you about it.

Has his head been turned?
Would it be better if you were back at work full-time if he wanted to end the marriage?

I would be wary here.
This isn't normal.

He can insist because he’s supporting you to work part time. If he stops doing so then presumably you will have to work full time anyway. I worked part time when my dc were little too so I understand your feelings but at some point the party is over. It’s not fair as a capable adult to put all financial responsibility for the family on one person if they are feeling the pressure. In the same vein, it’s not fair for one adult to shoulder the entire burden of household responsibilities either so he will have to step up accordingly when you return to work.

Then tell him you won’t consider it until he answers your questions!

I do think however that only working 2 days school hours for the past 11 years, you’ve had it pretty easy and a fair compromise would be 3 full days or 4 school hours days.

You sound lazy as heck
'I don't want to' is what a 7 year old says to justify something.

I think a lot of it depends on how much support is needed for the child with SEN.

I have a friend who has only been able to go back to work now that her youngest is secondary school age. She has three children, at very different educational stages, and one has ASD - highly intelligent, but needs a great deal of support.

I think that that might be similar to the OP's situation.

This. Say you have spoken to your employer and they are happy for you work both days at the weekend and two eveings a week so you are up to full time hours. That means you can still be there for appointments etc. HOWEVER he must take on full child care, meal prep, housework etc two evenings a week and every weekend. He will backtrack so fast his knees will burst into flames. There will be every reason in the world why that wont work.

He is doing what a lot of WOHD's do which is assume that the shopping cooking etc just happens and that you live an easy lazy stress free life. He doesnt want to give up his status and money, but he also doesnt want you to have what he sees as an easy life. But when their demands mean that they have to pull their weight at home, suddenly its a herculean task that he cant possibly be expected to perform as well as work.

You are married to a horrible man who doesnt value you, your time or your input with your children. Think about that.

I don't think you're going to get very far just saying that you don't want to work FT.

Tell him that until he engages in a conversation with you about how the domestic chores and childcare would be managed and shared between you, then there is no point talking about you working FT because one thing that is NOT happening is you working FT and doing 90% of all the house and childcare related stuff. Draw up a list of everything that needs doing and work through it with him. Look at the financials too to see how much net you'd be better off by: ie if he persistently avoids doing chores round the house, what would it cost to get a cleaner in etc You may not want to do more days just like he appears not to want to assume his share of the stuff you do at home but until he sees what his plan would look like on a daily basis, he's going to be like a broken record.