DH insisting I change my working hours

[OneTipsyRubyDreamer]

We have 3 DC. DH works full time 5 days a week. I work part time 2 days a week school
hours. DH has wanted me to move from part time to full time for years but now he’s suddenly started saying he “insists” that I need to ask my employer if I can go full time. I don’t want to go full time though. DH won’t stop going on about it and says he wants proof that I’ve asked my employer if I can go full time. I haven’t asked my employer about going full time because I don’t want to go full time but DH won’t take no for an answer though and he is putting a lot of pressure on me over it. He says things like “a lot of parents work full time so there’s no reason you can’t” but I don’t want to work full time! He can’t seem to understand the fact that I just don’t want to work full time and that I want to keep my current working hours for 2 days a week. AIBU?

That's finally useful information. The 18mth old will need full-time nursery (but you may get 30 hours 'free'). You will need someone to do the school run and arrange after school care and school holiday care as well. Does your DH realise this and what it will cost, and put the cost against the extra income you will bring in? And that done is he willing to use his income to pay half the costs, be called for school emergencies and do half the housework and admin?

Now, if he is not, or doesn't, the simple answer is that you don't do it either. You do half of all the work and you take from the housekeeping (however you arrange this) the half of childcare costs he needs to pay. You will be on short-commons in an untidy house for a while but he should learn the lesson.

Do it and see how it goes. If he wants you to, it's not really fair to not work full time and meet him where he is. But he has to pick up the load at home as well

Why not draw up a list of things which need to be considered, in that case?

OP it sounds like you are a classroom assistant and to go full time would be 9:30 to 2:30 every day - 25hrs a week which I'm presuming your husband thinks will still give you time to drop kids off, pick them up, get dinner on etc with every school holiday off. Your oldest is 11 so you've been working 10hrs for this length of time. He may be resentful that he's working 37 hrs plus per week and feels that you need to contribute more financially. There are lots of variables here. You haven't said where your 18month goes for 2 days when you work and if you have them the other 3? I'm not saying he's right but you definitely need to communicate about sharing working life and parenting/home life together. He will have to step up and help more with home if your working more hours. I think a compromise would be a good start. Start with 3 days and then build up to 4 when your youngest is at school. But ultimately you will both have to try and reach a decision that you can agree is fair.

"not really fair" on who? On her DH? I'd say it's not really fair on her 18mth old, her going full-time when financially, there is no need for her to.

I would talk to him as it sounds as though he's either worried about money or he thinks your life is easier than his (unlikely with 3 kids). Most couples don't both work full time after kids, I'm struggling to think of anyone I know who has done this unless they've been able to afford a nanny/full time childcare.

I couldn't afford to work full time as childcare is so expensive, but once my kids went to secondary school, I found a full-time job as I wanted to build my non-existent pension and have my own career, but that's my choice not my partners.

She has an 18 mth old child. Perfectly reasonable to work 2 days a week. When I had a child that age I was at home full-time.

Then act the same. No. Until he can commit to stepping up at home you will not risk it.

"I don't want to" isn't really a good enough reason IMO. It can be immensely stressful to be the main wage earner in a family. I can understand why your DH would like some of the pressure on him reduced. Of course, if you do increase your work hours to full time, it would be appropriate for him to take on a larger share of housework and childcare.

Is everything else ok in the relationship? I only ask as my friends husband did exactly the same and then left her when she upped her hours.

Surely it’s not fair that he works full time and you work very part time
For me that would only work if both parties agreed and he clearly doesn’t
Maybe offer to increase your hours as a first step

She has a baby. At least one child has SEN. Seems reasonable, but drip feeding info is annoying.

As long as you're contributing your full 50% share to the household finances, then you can stay part time as long as you like.

So you only work nine hours a week, ie one day rather than two and only in school term time.
That is hardly anything compared to most people working 'part time'.

Your posts are vague and your conversations with your DH seem vague too, if he hasn't given his reasons clearly and you haven't told him your reasons why you think increasing your hours is unnecessary.
My guess is that, with the third DC (?unplanned), he is feeling the pressure of being, essentially, the only working adult in the family. You say you have 12 months of your own salary saved but that won't be much as your salary is v low. Do you have family helping with childcare or is the little one in a nursery for the 2 short days that you work? You need to have a proper conversation about this.

You need to have a proper conversation because you don't sound much like a partnership. How are household finances split do you pay bills equally? If not maybe this is what he resents. You haven't really given reasons either for why he is insisting and why you are saying no - you mention sen children but if you work school hours how is this affecting them?

Well, if you separate because you don't fancy working more and your husband doesn't want to continue subbing you, you'll all be financially worse off. How can you countenance living off someone who resents you for it? It doesn't seem very dignified.

Why do people have to work full time if they neither need nor want to?

I pretty much haven’t worked full time since DS was born.

He’s now 18 and about to sit A-levels and then get a job…… I’m thinking about dropping my hours a bit more because my outgoings are about to go down 🤣

The “I don’t want to work more hours” sounds childish and entitled. I am sure your DH would rather work less hours too if he could get away with it

He is probably sick of having the responsibility for the majority of the household finances and wants a change

Yes, although, in the job she describes, FT would be around 25 hours/week, school term time only, finishing at 2.30pm so plenty of time to do the larger bulk of housework still.

But what if your partner didn't want to work full time, assuming you have a partner bringing in a full time wage.

You both need to be on the same page.

I do know some people who are single and work very part time in order to top up with benefits.

She only works 9.30-2pm so only a half day and plenty of time to do school runs and catch up on housework after school. I would agree with you if she was working a full day.

I find some of the comments here quite depressing. I think if they needed the money, that would be a different issue, but OP says they don’t. With such you g children (youngest only 18 months) the ideal is part time working until they’re old enough to be in school, if the family can afford it - many/most families aren’t lucky enough to but it is hugely stressful environment if both parents work full time AND have pre-school kids. I would agree once they are school age the argument might be different, but on the face of it he is being unreasonable.

Me too, have been 8 years at home and was never forced, told or otherwise to work more. Actually I work now 20stm hours and wanted to go to 30s but he said: why? You are tired and your joints are bad as they are, keep yourself and your health for longer, we are not in dire need...I start to think the OP husband is doing something not very clear or moral....this is his wife with 3 young kids...surely he is not blind how hard that is

You sound like one of the those who always call the mother despite the parents selecting the father as primary contact. Dh works 15-20min away vs me 1h10 away. It does my head in. We put him as primary contact for a reason.
Apologies if you don’t do this, but your responses suggest you might be susceptible to this thinking.

You night but have financial problems but life is expensive now and not working full time because you don’t want to doesn’t sit right with me. If it’s not financially viable then fair enough, work it out and have a discussion but if it is then personally I’d consider it if life admin was split too x x