To ask DP to get rid of cat?

[whomoon]

My DP and I moved in together 6 years ago and he brought his cat with him. I love cats, have grown up with many over the years and had a cat myself before DP moved in before my cat passed away at an old age.

I was happy having his cat and accepted that she is not a typical cat. She is a ‘character’. Basically, you can’t go near here unless she allows you to and she will only offer you her back for 3 or 4 strokes before she’d turn round and go black eyed ready to swipe you if you dare go in for a 5th.

If you walk past her too many times she’d go for you. She wouldn’t move, she’d stand her ground. You can’t approach her from the front for a stroke. You can’t go near her to move her if she’s on your seat, I have to get a cushion and shoo her away, as she hisses and would take a swipe if she gets angry. On an evening she will sit on your lap like a normal cat, and you could get a couple of head strokes in before she settles but you can’t touch her again after that.

There are many many more examples of this. I’ve never known a cat like her. All my cats through the years have been loving, cuddly, just normal really. Yes, all have their quirks and personality but no issues living with them and dealing with them when necessary. For example I have never even picked this cat up, ever. Never to move her, or even just to hold her. She would claw me apart if I did. My DP manages to if needed and for vets visits, but that literally is it.
I have my thoughts on why she is like this but it’s not really relevant because she is like she is, and 6 years of me living with her has not changed anything. But, we’ve all lived together fine and accepted who she is. Other than warning guests to our home not to touch her, it’s just our normal I guess

So the issue now is, we had a baby in 2024. Baby is now a toddler and I cannot leave them in the same room together. We have to keep the cat behind the kitchen door, behind the dining room door, or behind the door to the stairs to ensure our toddler is both safe and free to move around. This is because our cat has swiped our toddler a few times since they were baby and started moving from 8 months, with the last time being a deep cut on their arm which has scarred. As a typical toddler, they want to touch the cat, but also play near the cat unknowingly being ‘too close’ to her which could set the cat off.

My DP says we just need to teach our toddler how to be with the cat. Yes, with a NORMAL cat that’s what we would do. Gentle hands, give space, don’t pull or poke. But when we can’t even go near the cat ourselves, how do we tell an excitable toddler this, a toddler who has been on the move since 8 months old and wouldn’t even understand until recently what not to do.

My stress and anxiety levels around this is reaching boiling point. The cat scratches at the door constantly to be let out. When the cat moves between rooms we have to watch every millisecond of where our toddler is, if they’re getting too close or in running distance if they get excited to see the cat. Even worse, our toddler now mimics our behaviour with the cat. Shaking their hands at her, shouting (we try to not shout, but hey, it’s stressful to get the cat out the room) and because of my fear of the cat lashing out, when the toddler does get near I panic and rush over going ‘no, no, no’ out of instinct so they don’t get hurt. I don’t want my toddler growing up with this stress, either being scared or hating cats.

I loved my cats growing up. I slept in their cat beds with them, pulled them around in cardboard boxes, wrapped them in blankets. Now I know my toddler won’t have that and that’s okay, but I don’t want the opposite of them hating cats, that would be awful.

today, the cat swiped me for walking past too close. Bearing in mind I do not interact with this cat, and in no way do either of us mistreat her, but because I dared get too close and she swiped me. I shouted so loud my DP was in shock. He knows I’ve reached the next level of my stress with this situation and an ultimatum is coming. I’m a calm, go with the flow person, and our house is our sanctuary. My peace is disturbed and I just can’t relax now.

but how can I ask DP to get rid? Cat is 18 years old and he’s had her since a kitten. But is that really worth his families’ stress and anxiety, closing ourselves off in our already small house to keep ourselves separate from the cat?

Our toddler is at a lovely age and playing really nicely and exploring the house safely. I want them to have this freedom and not have me follow making sure the cat isn’t anywhere near.

Has this happened to anyone, and did you put up with it or rehome the cat?

DP knows I’m not happy and sees cat as part of the family, so would be very reluctant to rehome, which I would feel with one of my own cats but there has to be a point surely!?

So:

YABU = cat is part of the family, DP will never forgive you if you make him get rid of the cat

YANBU = it’s just a cat, toddlers safety is the most importantly and your peace and sanity is also important!

Upstairs is the only place of escape which mostly she’s happy to go, other times she’s stubborn and wants to be downstairs with us. But hate us at the same time, won’t move out the way and hide at us as we go past her.
this is her character 😂

Yabu.

@whomoon Check out the YouTube channel TheGoldenBreakfastClub. It’s a ginger cat named Waffles and a golden retriever named Maple. Waffles sounds like your cat. Hates everyone except for The Preferred Human. Hates The Spare. Hates the dog. Dog loves the cat.

Very sensible options, thank you. Although cat flap not possible as she won’t go outside for long without getting into cat scraps.
Will see if we can add a high space for her downstairs to escape to but still see what’s going on.
vet is a definite

Thank you.
As crazy as this sounds, I just haven’t had the time to get the support yet. I have channels to access when I can though so will try and prioritise.
I know it’s exasperating how I feel about the cat, and me thinking if the cat wasn’t here I’d feel better but that might not be the case.

I would suggest reading Total Cat Mojo by Jackson Galaxy. It gives advice on what to do in these situations. His TV show My Cat From Hell would be worth a watch too.

Good spot! 😅

Go to the vet with DH and explain the issues to the vet. See what they suggest.

I'm a huge cat lover but honestly I would be looking to PTS as this sounds horrendous. The cat must be very unhappy and on edge all the time, as must you!

DH is being selfish.

I do like this suggestion however we all go up and down the stairs throughout the day for various reasons so realistically wouldn’t work. I already have to scope out where the cat is if we do come upstairs so that toddler doesn’t start running about, and either keep my eyes on both of them (so can’t relax) or again shoo the cat away

I also agree that you don't need to defend yourself to anyone. Let these martyrs pander to aggressive animals but you don't have to.

Well done for doing this, and more power to you because this does not sound like a peaceful and relaxing home to be in.
but if it worked for you then fantastic, and you obviously did what you need to do for everybody to be safe.
I think I’ve gone past that point and need to get a solution so I can relax in my own home

Pet remedy, cat calming drugs ( basically anti depressants) mine and family members sre on them as tgey are just so highly anxious but it comes out in other ways. I do not rate feliway, pet remedy was a game changer. Cat needs to always have way from kids. Mine alway have escape from kids, when its too much they are out away. My one had a medical condition, i had to watch all the time with kids.
at 18 they will like not be very adoptable. They sound highly anxious. Don't use loud noise around them, more anxiety, but do keep teaching little one to not be near cat, don’t get don’t too its level. Too be fair i would not have done the things you did with any of even my docile cats!
i can recommend a med also, calming drops if your dp is able to put them on

Please make the time. Your mental health matters and it’s important to look after yourself. Do it for your child if you can’t do it for you. He/she will benefit from you feeling better and coping better. Make a phone call or send an email to book an appointment. That first step can be hard but worth it. You’re worth the effort.

I’ve had some good experience and advice given to me, which was why I started the thread.
I’ve answered questions, explained the situation and clarified any points, again because we’re talking about a subject that I posted and having discussions and resolutions about it.

Thank you. You’ve summed it all up.

So your solution is to kill an elderly cat because you can't teach your child not to touch something?

Separating a cat that age from her owner and home is a death sentence, don't try to tell yourself you are doing it for her sake. You aren't.

The cat needs spaces that are high up to feel safe. Sounds like she was abused or had an injury at an early age imo and she hasn't got safe space in your house.

I haven’t heard of Pet Remedy, thank you. Will take a look

I'll firstly say that I am completely 100% a cat lover. Had cats all my life and currently have two gorgeous bundles who are adored. However, if I was in your position I would have to rehome the cat. One of my mother's cats was very spicy. My kids and I visited once and the cat managed to worm her way out of the kitchen and fly for my toddler. She scratched them deeply just under the eye, which was at just the right height for when she reared up. The doc reminded me that a tiny bit in a different direction and my child could have lost an eye, and that cat claws are germ riddled from their faeces. We only visited my mum's house, but if the cat was permanently at my home I wouldn't trust it. My child would have to come first. Might not be a popular opinion but elsewhere might also be more of a calming surrounding for the cat without the unwanted noise of a toddler.

I should add that the cat was from a rehoming place and was 16. Mum got her so that she could give an old cat a nice place to live out their days.

I haven’t said I’m going to kill the cat. I’ve shared my views on PTS and it’s not my decision.

Ive told my child not to stick fingers up their nose too. Child still sticks finger up nose. They’re a child, they’re learning.

Cat has lots of places to be in the house, safe and tucked away. She chooses to go where she goes. Because she’s a cat.

You and your child are infinitely more important than a cat, OP. Especially this cat which sounds unhinged. Get rid.

This is absolutely unacceptable. Read what you wrote. Your child has a scar and your house is no longer your sanctuary. It’s an 18 year old cat with a miserable personality. I’ve had many cats over the years and firmly believe some are just genetically predisposed to live a more feral life and when made a house cat, are never really happy. Put the cat to sleep before something worse happens to your child

You have a toddler. There's no relaxation anyway! You'll also be constantly supervising anyway, because that's toddlers for you.

You don't need a long-term solution here. There's a reasonable chance cat won't live for another year, but at this sort of age I think you need to wait it out.

You can absolutely teach your toddler to be hands off with the cat - it wasn't just constant vigilance that kept it kids ok, but teaching them what to/not to do.

We kept the cat upstairs whilst the toddler and baby played with supervised short periods together when they were calmly watching TV. Then switch the cats in the evening so crazy cat had some company. We even had to switch the door handles to knobs because crazy cat could open doors.

This is a cat that I literally bought Kevlar arm gauntlets to protect myself with. But she also had a terrible start in life and no chance of rehoming her.

It sounds like the are ways to keep them separate, but I can understand how it feels to reach the end of your tether and not want to. You aren't bonded to this cat in the same way that you're partner is. He needs to take the lead in terms to decide ways of keeping them apart.

@CallMeEvelyn

actually she does get to ‘dump’ the cat. Is she gonna get arrested or something do you think if she rehomes it or gets it put to sleep? She won’t be. She can do what she wants.

Also, your whole ‘cat was there first’ argument is ridiculous! If OP wants a family she is hardly gonna curtail that for a cat is she??

Jackson Galaxy. A cat behaviour expert. Loads of episodes with him helping people in your circumstances. He nearly always resolves the issues. It's worth a look.

I absolutely adore cats and would never give one up... easily. But if you have a cat that cannot be trusted then that's not liveable, let alone with a young baby. 18 years though, getting rid will be very difficult and unfair.

Before 'getting rid', I would get the cat checked over very very well for anything medical. Bad tempered animals quite often feel poorly. 18 years - it may well be.

Then if nothing wrong, pet rescue. Again, this will be a long long wait as rescues are full, let alone for a senior. Please don't rehome with a stranger from the internet.