To ask DP to get rid of cat?

[whomoon]

My DP and I moved in together 6 years ago and he brought his cat with him. I love cats, have grown up with many over the years and had a cat myself before DP moved in before my cat passed away at an old age.

I was happy having his cat and accepted that she is not a typical cat. She is a ‘character’. Basically, you can’t go near here unless she allows you to and she will only offer you her back for 3 or 4 strokes before she’d turn round and go black eyed ready to swipe you if you dare go in for a 5th.

If you walk past her too many times she’d go for you. She wouldn’t move, she’d stand her ground. You can’t approach her from the front for a stroke. You can’t go near her to move her if she’s on your seat, I have to get a cushion and shoo her away, as she hisses and would take a swipe if she gets angry. On an evening she will sit on your lap like a normal cat, and you could get a couple of head strokes in before she settles but you can’t touch her again after that.

There are many many more examples of this. I’ve never known a cat like her. All my cats through the years have been loving, cuddly, just normal really. Yes, all have their quirks and personality but no issues living with them and dealing with them when necessary. For example I have never even picked this cat up, ever. Never to move her, or even just to hold her. She would claw me apart if I did. My DP manages to if needed and for vets visits, but that literally is it.
I have my thoughts on why she is like this but it’s not really relevant because she is like she is, and 6 years of me living with her has not changed anything. But, we’ve all lived together fine and accepted who she is. Other than warning guests to our home not to touch her, it’s just our normal I guess

So the issue now is, we had a baby in 2024. Baby is now a toddler and I cannot leave them in the same room together. We have to keep the cat behind the kitchen door, behind the dining room door, or behind the door to the stairs to ensure our toddler is both safe and free to move around. This is because our cat has swiped our toddler a few times since they were baby and started moving from 8 months, with the last time being a deep cut on their arm which has scarred. As a typical toddler, they want to touch the cat, but also play near the cat unknowingly being ‘too close’ to her which could set the cat off.

My DP says we just need to teach our toddler how to be with the cat. Yes, with a NORMAL cat that’s what we would do. Gentle hands, give space, don’t pull or poke. But when we can’t even go near the cat ourselves, how do we tell an excitable toddler this, a toddler who has been on the move since 8 months old and wouldn’t even understand until recently what not to do.

My stress and anxiety levels around this is reaching boiling point. The cat scratches at the door constantly to be let out. When the cat moves between rooms we have to watch every millisecond of where our toddler is, if they’re getting too close or in running distance if they get excited to see the cat. Even worse, our toddler now mimics our behaviour with the cat. Shaking their hands at her, shouting (we try to not shout, but hey, it’s stressful to get the cat out the room) and because of my fear of the cat lashing out, when the toddler does get near I panic and rush over going ‘no, no, no’ out of instinct so they don’t get hurt. I don’t want my toddler growing up with this stress, either being scared or hating cats.

I loved my cats growing up. I slept in their cat beds with them, pulled them around in cardboard boxes, wrapped them in blankets. Now I know my toddler won’t have that and that’s okay, but I don’t want the opposite of them hating cats, that would be awful.

today, the cat swiped me for walking past too close. Bearing in mind I do not interact with this cat, and in no way do either of us mistreat her, but because I dared get too close and she swiped me. I shouted so loud my DP was in shock. He knows I’ve reached the next level of my stress with this situation and an ultimatum is coming. I’m a calm, go with the flow person, and our house is our sanctuary. My peace is disturbed and I just can’t relax now.

but how can I ask DP to get rid? Cat is 18 years old and he’s had her since a kitten. But is that really worth his families’ stress and anxiety, closing ourselves off in our already small house to keep ourselves separate from the cat?

Our toddler is at a lovely age and playing really nicely and exploring the house safely. I want them to have this freedom and not have me follow making sure the cat isn’t anywhere near.

Has this happened to anyone, and did you put up with it or rehome the cat?

DP knows I’m not happy and sees cat as part of the family, so would be very reluctant to rehome, which I would feel with one of my own cats but there has to be a point surely!?

So:

YABU = cat is part of the family, DP will never forgive you if you make him get rid of the cat

YANBU = it’s just a cat, toddlers safety is the most importantly and your peace and sanity is also important!

The kindest thing is PTS cat. It has arthritis and probably other issues such as sight and bladder problems. Cat is obviously not happy either. Talk to DH about this. He will be very upset but you could put it in a way that it is the best for the cat.

I'm with you OP. I have a cat like that. It's never been remotely affectionate and you risk being clawed or bitten if it disapproves of what you do. Or if you walk past in the wrong way. It was DS's cat and he has long since left home. I wouldn't get rid (even though I'm allergic to cats) although I most certainly would if I had a toddler, but I will never ever get another cat.
I don't know the answer to your dilemma. People love their pets. People come before pets IMO.

Child comes first. Cat wouldn't have got away with I juring my child once unless the child was being cruel to it and even then I'd still want to remove. But realistically what's going to happen to an 18yo cat?

Does your partner understand what is going on while they're at work? Maybe go somewhere for a day and leave them in charge of the child and cat..

Child comes first. Cat wouldn't have got away with I juring my child once unless the child was being cruel to it and even then I'd still want to remove. But realistically what's going to happen to an 18yo cat?

Does your partner understand what is going on while they're at work? Maybe go somewhere for a day and leave them in charge of the child and cat..

DH does have toddler twice a week so he knows full well the issue. He gets just as frustrated and has to manage the isolation of the cat, keeping toddler away. He just hasn’t reached the same boiling point as me as he loves his cat.
so thankfully it’s not a case of pleading my case or anything as he experiences it all and sees
it for himself.
He keeps his head down about it though because when I first raised the issue when cat scratched baby and left a scar, I was very close to an ultimatum then - about 6 months ago - and thankfully from all our efforts cat hasn’t caught toddler since. But I think he knows it’s coming if it happens once more. but I don’t want to chance it happening once more and it being even worse!

If the cat is in pain putting her to sleep may be the kindest solution. She won't find another proper home at her age, with health problems and a bad attitude. Otherwise I agree the cat has one room it lives in with a nice comfortable cat bed and peace and quiet (at least until toddler is in bed) plus access to the garden, and you and toddler have the rest of the house.

OP, Don’t let anyone try and push you into being a martyr and make life even harder for yourself for the sake of a cat. People on here are so quick to be like that where animals are concerned, but in real life they would never themselves follow through on the advice they give online.

Ergh, I can't stand it when people keep animals alive longer than they should on god knows what meds because they don't have the guts to take the decision to end the animal's suffering. This cat is not happy, it must be in pain to be that much of a dick.

Does your DP work from home? If he won't sort the cat out he needs to keep it in his office with him. You have enough to deal with. In your shoes if he didn't take action I would throw him out with the bloody cat.

YABU pets aren't disposable when they become inconvenient imo. You are perfectly capable of keeping your toddler safe and separate from the cat, you just don't like the cat and seem to want to "upgrade". I think it's heartless.

When you take on any pet, you don't know their temperament. If you aren't willing to care for an animal that doesn't suit you then at least do everyone a favour and don't get another pet. You'll have no guarantee of the temperament of a new pet either.

Totally agree. This cat needs to go. It has SCARRED the baby!

This is a hill I'd die on @whomoon

We had a cat like this who lived til she was 19. She was only 3 when we had our first child and we just used pet gates or supervised. You should never be complacent with young children and animals anyway. It’s not difficult really. And this cat is already 18 so she’s unlikely to be here for that long. You would be unreasonable to expect him to get rid of his cat, especially as she’s so old.

Could your DP build a DIY catio the cat flap could go into? It wasn't that expensive when we did this - would depend on layout of house - we lost of set of doors from sitting room into garden they now open into catio.

We have a floor to ceiling cat tower then shelves for cat with bed on the walls in kitchen so they can get away from kids when younger. We also have window beds - next to cat towers - so they can get up they often like sitting there with us but not on or near us.

Jackson Galaxy is good for ideas to try as PP mentioned- and I would try the cat plug ins as they can help as well.

I strongly suspect it the PPD making this all worse though and I hope you manage to get some help with that.

I also think you should be able to raise situation with your DP - say you just can't cope with it and what ideas he has to make it more managable for you.

Showing their belly is a sign of trust. They feel safe enough to show their most vulnerable area. It not necessarily an invitation for you to touch it though.

Yes, agreed. Cat needs to go. If DH didn’t agree I’d move out with baby.

You’re right, this cat has become very inconvenient to me and my enjoyment of my life and family time at home. How dare I let it get to me.

I am capable of keeping my toddler safe, they’re still alive so I’m doing well so far.

But what upgrade should I get? Can I get a shedding free cat that I can control with a remote control? I’ll see what they have on offer down Sainsbury’s.

loved my cats growing up. I slept in their cat beds with them, pulled them around in cardboard boxes, wrapped them in blankets. Now I know my toddler won’t have that and that’s okay

You've got some weird ideas about cats OP. That's not how you're supposed to treat them.

Mines not a lapcat and will only tolerate a few strokes. Just don't stroke her.

You're not going to be able to re-home a cat that age. Realistically your options are to put up with it and keep some places cat free, maybe watch some jakson galaxy YouTube cats from hell to get a clue on cat language. Or euthanise.

I have a cat a bit like that. My autistic son can be anxious around him so has learned to ignore mostly. I sometimes feel shit that my kids have not had a nice experience of pet ownership. I thought about rehoming (the cat, not the child) when I started chemo as I I didn’t want to risk infection from a bite or a swipe but he’s not really bad enough and is unlikely to find a home anyway.

Your toddler could lose an eyeball, be scarred for life or worse. You have a duty to safeguard her. The cat can live in a cattery or shed or garage or be rehomed, or you and your child move out. What a bad parent to put a pet above his own child’s safety.

You would seriously put an 18 year old cat in a shed?? That is just cruel.
You just need to keep the child and the cat apart, it's not that difficult.

But that’s my experience of my cats when I was little. It’s not weird ideas, it happened. It was brilliant, they were great cats

We try to keep them apart and do so successfully but we all still have to live under the same roof and move about the house, I can’t lock one in one room, and one in the other until the cat dies.

No, I would have the cat put down or give it away or pay for it to live in the paw seasons or insist the cat and its owner moved out of my home if it scarred my child, as I am a protective mother and this would come above my partner (and the cats) feelings.

can you IMAGINE explaining to your child when they are older why they are deformed? We didn’t want to upset a CAT as it was here first? We chose to raise you in a home with a dangerous animal when you were too young and vulnerable to protect yourself? I wouldn’t forgive parents who neglected me to that extent.

my ex’s mother had a similar car and I’ve made it really clear that our toddler can only visit there if the cat is outdoors or in a shut room upstairs.

But you don’t have to live under the same roof, you and baby can move out somewhere safe or your partner and his dangerous animal
could move out

Apparently the cat has been like this since a kitten, so it’s not the op or her child stressing it out. It must be a nightmare constantly having to keep the toddler and cat separated. Cat scratches can be quite deep and painful. Children will naturally want to touch and interact with a small animal, not realising that they could hurt them. My daughter had a cat much like this. She asked me to look after it while they were on holiday. It was an awful two weeks! The cat would sit in a doorway and if I tried to get passed, it would pounce and sink its claws into my ankles. I tried to high step over it and was left with it hanging a foot above the floor hanging on with its teeth and claws. Just walking past it, even three feet away it would still go for you. Someone suggested they get some cat trees of various heights to enable the cat to have somewhere that it could retreat to and it did work. It massively improved and cut out the ankle shredding! It’s something that you could consider.
We’ve had three rescue cats over the years, one lived to nineteen, ( even having been diagnosed with liver cancer ),one lived to twenty three and one twenty four; so I really hope you manage to get it resolved. It could be with you for a few more years!!

What if the cat claws your toddlers eyes? It sounds absolutely capable of doing it. Or gouges a huge chunk out of her face. You must prioritise your toddler over the needs of an 18 year old cat. It has lived a long life - being deeply unpleasant for most it from the sounds of it. It cannot realistically be rehomed - who would want to take on an 18 year old cat with an unpleasant nature. I am sorry but I think the kindest solution is that it should be put down.

I am saying this as a cat lover - I currently have a cat and I am normally with the home for life school of thought about this. The only animal we have ever put down was one cat which had cancer and was suffering awfully. The vet said it was the only humane thing to do and she came to our house and we were with the cat the whole time and she passed away in her favourite place with the people who loved her around her.

But this is not your situation. I was bailed up by mother's cat as a child. I don't recall the details but I do know that that cat did not stay around. Your husband cannot seriously put the cat's welfare above your child's safety. It doesn't sound as if the child is being rough or that it would make any difference given that that the cat seems prepared to claw anybody who gets close to it however unwittingly. I mean sooner or later there is a likely to be some slip up in your attempts to keep the cat separate from your child and it must be very stressful for you.