To ask DP to get rid of cat?

[whomoon]

My DP and I moved in together 6 years ago and he brought his cat with him. I love cats, have grown up with many over the years and had a cat myself before DP moved in before my cat passed away at an old age.

I was happy having his cat and accepted that she is not a typical cat. She is a ‘character’. Basically, you can’t go near here unless she allows you to and she will only offer you her back for 3 or 4 strokes before she’d turn round and go black eyed ready to swipe you if you dare go in for a 5th.

If you walk past her too many times she’d go for you. She wouldn’t move, she’d stand her ground. You can’t approach her from the front for a stroke. You can’t go near her to move her if she’s on your seat, I have to get a cushion and shoo her away, as she hisses and would take a swipe if she gets angry. On an evening she will sit on your lap like a normal cat, and you could get a couple of head strokes in before she settles but you can’t touch her again after that.

There are many many more examples of this. I’ve never known a cat like her. All my cats through the years have been loving, cuddly, just normal really. Yes, all have their quirks and personality but no issues living with them and dealing with them when necessary. For example I have never even picked this cat up, ever. Never to move her, or even just to hold her. She would claw me apart if I did. My DP manages to if needed and for vets visits, but that literally is it.
I have my thoughts on why she is like this but it’s not really relevant because she is like she is, and 6 years of me living with her has not changed anything. But, we’ve all lived together fine and accepted who she is. Other than warning guests to our home not to touch her, it’s just our normal I guess

So the issue now is, we had a baby in 2024. Baby is now a toddler and I cannot leave them in the same room together. We have to keep the cat behind the kitchen door, behind the dining room door, or behind the door to the stairs to ensure our toddler is both safe and free to move around. This is because our cat has swiped our toddler a few times since they were baby and started moving from 8 months, with the last time being a deep cut on their arm which has scarred. As a typical toddler, they want to touch the cat, but also play near the cat unknowingly being ‘too close’ to her which could set the cat off.

My DP says we just need to teach our toddler how to be with the cat. Yes, with a NORMAL cat that’s what we would do. Gentle hands, give space, don’t pull or poke. But when we can’t even go near the cat ourselves, how do we tell an excitable toddler this, a toddler who has been on the move since 8 months old and wouldn’t even understand until recently what not to do.

My stress and anxiety levels around this is reaching boiling point. The cat scratches at the door constantly to be let out. When the cat moves between rooms we have to watch every millisecond of where our toddler is, if they’re getting too close or in running distance if they get excited to see the cat. Even worse, our toddler now mimics our behaviour with the cat. Shaking their hands at her, shouting (we try to not shout, but hey, it’s stressful to get the cat out the room) and because of my fear of the cat lashing out, when the toddler does get near I panic and rush over going ‘no, no, no’ out of instinct so they don’t get hurt. I don’t want my toddler growing up with this stress, either being scared or hating cats.

I loved my cats growing up. I slept in their cat beds with them, pulled them around in cardboard boxes, wrapped them in blankets. Now I know my toddler won’t have that and that’s okay, but I don’t want the opposite of them hating cats, that would be awful.

today, the cat swiped me for walking past too close. Bearing in mind I do not interact with this cat, and in no way do either of us mistreat her, but because I dared get too close and she swiped me. I shouted so loud my DP was in shock. He knows I’ve reached the next level of my stress with this situation and an ultimatum is coming. I’m a calm, go with the flow person, and our house is our sanctuary. My peace is disturbed and I just can’t relax now.

but how can I ask DP to get rid? Cat is 18 years old and he’s had her since a kitten. But is that really worth his families’ stress and anxiety, closing ourselves off in our already small house to keep ourselves separate from the cat?

Our toddler is at a lovely age and playing really nicely and exploring the house safely. I want them to have this freedom and not have me follow making sure the cat isn’t anywhere near.

Has this happened to anyone, and did you put up with it or rehome the cat?

DP knows I’m not happy and sees cat as part of the family, so would be very reluctant to rehome, which I would feel with one of my own cats but there has to be a point surely!?

So:

YABU = cat is part of the family, DP will never forgive you if you make him get rid of the cat

YANBU = it’s just a cat, toddlers safety is the most importantly and your peace and sanity is also important!

Hopefully it’ll die soon but I’d get rid of it. People before aggressive animals always.

Being honest, getting rid of the cat means in reality it will have to be put down. The likelihood of being able to rehome and elderly cat is very slim, and especially one who only likes your DP.

Thank you to everyone who has commented, I appreciate the engagement.
I have to say, it’s been quite cathartic for me. I didn’t realise I had built up this stress inside. I don’t talk to anyone about it in real life, as it seems to trivial to describe to anyone. My mum listened but couldn’t fully understand as she hasn’t experienced the same thing (as her cats were busy being pushed around in cardboard boxes)
Im already stressed when I talk to DP about it and I don’t want to provoke an argument, but venting here and reading advice and experience has helped massively. I do feel lighter and look at the cat a little differently. She is sleeping on the chair next to me and the sight of her is not triggering to me!..
Just shows how important it is to talk, to be rational, and to think about things properly.

The cat of such a geriatric age could be riddled with sore spots and aches and pains, no wonder it is snappy. Sepearte the the toddler and cat, never leave them in the same room alone.

Have the poor cat PTS. It’s the best thing for everyone.

The word of the thread is ‘spicy’

I had two cats with toddlers and honestly, even with lovely cats it is hard, one hid and one had the patience of a saint and would play dead until released.

i’d be having a thorough vet check up, if the cat is on gabapentin as arthritis is so bad, strongly suspect quality of life is declining towards the end and your dh has to accept it.

I honestly don't think your husband would forgive you if you forced the issue, I know I wouldn't on this situation.

I would try to set cat up in one cosy room out of baby's way as much as possible and offer lots of high spaces in other rooms.
I have two cats and a one year old so I know how difficult keeping baby away is, my DD is obsessed with the cats and we have had one scratch on the face after a tail grab!

Totally agree. If you’re going to keep it locked in a room so it doesn’t inconvenience you or given to a shelter to see out its days locked in a cage, put it to sleep.

Absolutely. The baby already has scars from the cat, it's just not safe. I know they love cats here (and I do too) but your child's safety is far more important than the cat. A dangerous animal is a dangerous animal.

Reading this thread with interest. I have a similar situation but I'm in your DP's position and my DH is more similar to you; we have an energetic 19 month old. The difference is we adopted the cat together, it was during the pandemic so we never viewed the cats at the rescue, we were just sent a video of her and then went to pick her up. However, in hindsight, the description did say not suitable for children (she was found as a stray) but we naively overlooked that and didn't think ahead. Our cat has calmed down in the 4+ years we've had, so doesn't sound quite as feisty as yours, but she is prone to lashing out and visitors to our house are usually nervous of her for good reason.

My DH has found it stressful dealing with our child and the cat. He would have liked to have rehomed her, but I was dead against this. She is a lovely cat most of the time once she trusts you and you can read her. I will admit though, it hasn't been easy managing her and a young child, I've lived in fear of my DD being blinded, so I can understand why you feel like you do. Your post has actually made me think I should be more empathetic towards my DH - I don't think everyone appreciates the level of stress you're experiencing.

To give you a more positive anecdote, I feel like in the last month or so we've turned a corner with our DD and it's finally sinking in how she should behave around the cat. This has taken quite a lot of effort of me allowing the two of them near each other whilst I hold DD's hand and let the cat rub up against her and be ready to whisk DD out of the way if the cat's mood suddenly changes (we moved to a more open plan house four months ago so no longer have the option of keeping them in separate rooms). My DH would never have done this and would have tried to keep them apart forever but I didn't feel this was a long term solution. If your DH is adamant on keeping the cat, I think he needs to put extra effort into getting your child used to the cat and to behave appropriately around it. Easier said than done, I know, but I think it's the only way if he wants to protect both child and cat.

I have despaired at times about how we would ever be able to relax again living with both DD and the cat, but I am feeling more optimistic about it now. And our DD loves the cat, which I'm basing on how excitedly she shouts 'cat' every time she sees her (one of the few words she consistently says). They've got quite a playful relationship that actually reminds me of a genuine sibling relationship, which is sweet, they do also have the odd fallout like siblings too. Touch wood, there's been a few run ins but no major scratches or damage to anyone, although we still obviously have to keep an eye on them both.

You said you have your own throughts as to why the cat is like this? What are they? It might be relevant to the answer to this dilemma, especially if it’s something that can be changed about its environment or the way your OH handles the behaviours. If the problems are in some way his fault then He needs to take some responsibility for that and the fact that you are now having problems with the cat around the toddler.
Like others have said, I’m not sure I would rehome a cat at this age without being absolutely sure I had done everything to try to manage the issues.
First, a check over by the vet. The cat sounds very anxious, reactive and to have sensory issues. I wonder if something could be prescribed or maybe there are aids to help the cat feel calmer like a feliway diffuser? It’s supposed to release calming pheromones.
Does the cat get enough exercise? If it doesn’t get out then it might need more opportunities to play and climb. As well as burning energy, a climbing tower or similar would allow the cat to remove itself from stressful situations.
Maybe a space that’s just for the cat that toddler doesn’t access and cat can easily get to.

The cat is 18 years old, and probably has all sorts of aches and pains. She won’t be around much longer. ‘Rehoming’ would be the equivalent of sending a 90 year old to live overseas in a country they don’t know.

As for all your other concerns, well, you shouldn’t be leaving DD alone with an animal anyway, any animal. And even an excitable toddler should be learning the lesson not to run towards animals. Even a calmer cat could easily startle and lash out in a situation. And, even though she won’t entirely understand, you can begin explaining to DD that different animals have different personalities, just like people. Even with a calm cat your ‘gentle hands’ approach won’t always work. You need to learn the individual animal’s signals.

But what quiet home? I foster cats for a small local charity and 18 year old cats that are spicy are not being snapped up. Last year I struggled slightly to rehome 2 gorgeous black kittens. All rescues and charities are overwhelmed with requests to take in unwanted/stray cats atm sadly.

I use the pheromone spray pump devices. They can work well. There is a tablet as well (zyklene?) that is an anti-anxiety tablet.

It’s a sticky situation

Get rid of the cat.

That’s not true, our local rescue regularly rehomes elderlies.

Cat sounds effing exhausting.

I would humanely PTS at this point. This is affecting your quality of life, your child's, and frankly, it sounds like a miserable existence for the cat as well.

As for whether it's ok to put the safety of your child first, it's bloody sad that this is even in question. YES, the safety of your kid comes first. Every time.

It is absolutely true and very rarely do they get adopted. I've actually volunteered in the field and seen it first hand.

I know. I’ve never met a viscous cat and I’ve had about 40

Aren't they all viscous? They do pour themselves into the tiniest and weirdest spaces ... just slowly.

😹😹😹

In a strong field this is one of the most batshit posts I have read on Mumsnet in a long time.

The cat doesn’t sound that bad tbh. She’s just a cranky kitty that doesn’t really like people or physical contact unless on her terms. Lots of cats are like this. They’re not dogs.