To ask DP to get rid of cat?

[whomoon]

My DP and I moved in together 6 years ago and he brought his cat with him. I love cats, have grown up with many over the years and had a cat myself before DP moved in before my cat passed away at an old age.

I was happy having his cat and accepted that she is not a typical cat. She is a ‘character’. Basically, you can’t go near here unless she allows you to and she will only offer you her back for 3 or 4 strokes before she’d turn round and go black eyed ready to swipe you if you dare go in for a 5th.

If you walk past her too many times she’d go for you. She wouldn’t move, she’d stand her ground. You can’t approach her from the front for a stroke. You can’t go near her to move her if she’s on your seat, I have to get a cushion and shoo her away, as she hisses and would take a swipe if she gets angry. On an evening she will sit on your lap like a normal cat, and you could get a couple of head strokes in before she settles but you can’t touch her again after that.

There are many many more examples of this. I’ve never known a cat like her. All my cats through the years have been loving, cuddly, just normal really. Yes, all have their quirks and personality but no issues living with them and dealing with them when necessary. For example I have never even picked this cat up, ever. Never to move her, or even just to hold her. She would claw me apart if I did. My DP manages to if needed and for vets visits, but that literally is it.
I have my thoughts on why she is like this but it’s not really relevant because she is like she is, and 6 years of me living with her has not changed anything. But, we’ve all lived together fine and accepted who she is. Other than warning guests to our home not to touch her, it’s just our normal I guess

So the issue now is, we had a baby in 2024. Baby is now a toddler and I cannot leave them in the same room together. We have to keep the cat behind the kitchen door, behind the dining room door, or behind the door to the stairs to ensure our toddler is both safe and free to move around. This is because our cat has swiped our toddler a few times since they were baby and started moving from 8 months, with the last time being a deep cut on their arm which has scarred. As a typical toddler, they want to touch the cat, but also play near the cat unknowingly being ‘too close’ to her which could set the cat off.

My DP says we just need to teach our toddler how to be with the cat. Yes, with a NORMAL cat that’s what we would do. Gentle hands, give space, don’t pull or poke. But when we can’t even go near the cat ourselves, how do we tell an excitable toddler this, a toddler who has been on the move since 8 months old and wouldn’t even understand until recently what not to do.

My stress and anxiety levels around this is reaching boiling point. The cat scratches at the door constantly to be let out. When the cat moves between rooms we have to watch every millisecond of where our toddler is, if they’re getting too close or in running distance if they get excited to see the cat. Even worse, our toddler now mimics our behaviour with the cat. Shaking their hands at her, shouting (we try to not shout, but hey, it’s stressful to get the cat out the room) and because of my fear of the cat lashing out, when the toddler does get near I panic and rush over going ‘no, no, no’ out of instinct so they don’t get hurt. I don’t want my toddler growing up with this stress, either being scared or hating cats.

I loved my cats growing up. I slept in their cat beds with them, pulled them around in cardboard boxes, wrapped them in blankets. Now I know my toddler won’t have that and that’s okay, but I don’t want the opposite of them hating cats, that would be awful.

today, the cat swiped me for walking past too close. Bearing in mind I do not interact with this cat, and in no way do either of us mistreat her, but because I dared get too close and she swiped me. I shouted so loud my DP was in shock. He knows I’ve reached the next level of my stress with this situation and an ultimatum is coming. I’m a calm, go with the flow person, and our house is our sanctuary. My peace is disturbed and I just can’t relax now.

but how can I ask DP to get rid? Cat is 18 years old and he’s had her since a kitten. But is that really worth his families’ stress and anxiety, closing ourselves off in our already small house to keep ourselves separate from the cat?

Our toddler is at a lovely age and playing really nicely and exploring the house safely. I want them to have this freedom and not have me follow making sure the cat isn’t anywhere near.

Has this happened to anyone, and did you put up with it or rehome the cat?

DP knows I’m not happy and sees cat as part of the family, so would be very reluctant to rehome, which I would feel with one of my own cats but there has to be a point surely!?

So:

YABU = cat is part of the family, DP will never forgive you if you make him get rid of the cat

YANBU = it’s just a cat, toddlers safety is the most importantly and your peace and sanity is also important!

There’s no documented cases of this happening. A myth

But you keep your distance. Never touch her unless on her terms. You stay out of her way in case she might swipe at you. How do you call that?

I went down a Google frenzy when I realised how deep the scratch was but luckily after keeping it clean, it healed although leaving the scar. It still stays with me the moment I saw the gaping slice in their arm. It was awful.
so yes, very mindful of the diseases and infections it can cause which is why I need to do more

because she’s a nasty cat. I’m scared she’ll hurt toddler obviously, I don’t want that. But living in the same house with a nasty volatile cat doesn’t make me scared, it makes me fed up and stressed.

A lot of inaccurate, scaremongering here. The cat haters are out in force this evening.

Cat scratch infection/disease is usually transmitted by fleas so cats that are well cared for and regularly treated with preventative spot on treatments are very unlikely to have and thus pass it on. Equally, a scratch can easily be cleaned further reducing the already very low risk. If you have a cat and a young child and don’t treat your cat regularly for parasites, fleas etc then you are neglecting your responsibilities to both the cat and your child (not aimed at the OP, just generally speaking).

A bite is more of a risk, but then, all animal bites provide increased of infection.

There a big difference between a swipe with sheathed claws and un sheathed claws which can cause horrific injuries. A neighbour’s very docile retriever had awful lacerations to her face and ears after walking too close to a cat that had wandered into her garden. She still has the scars three years later.

She’s not nasty. The concept of nasty is a human one. It doesn’t apply to animals who act on instinct. She is reactive to a perceived threat and/or is in pain.

I thought it was more because of their poo and the litter tray? That it’s the disease that’s in their poo that can be transmitted through their claws?

I don’t know enough granted, and didn’t know about the fleas so will make sure she’s upto date with that also.

I’ve not RTFT (because it’s quite circular in the comments). But I’ve read all of your posts, @whomoon. I’m sorry you’re getting such a pile-on.

With PPD, you’re going through a hell of a lot right now - it turns challenging situations into completely unbearable ones. This line just properly got me: No one would have children if we all truly knew what it would be like and had the foresight to see what every day would look and feel like for the rest of our lives.

My DH and I waited until our forties to have our little one - worried about the impact of having a kid on our relationship and wellbeing.

If I’d truly known what it would be like, I would have had our daughter a decade earlier. I’ve loved every moment. That you’re having such a different experience is heartbreaking.

Personally, 18yo is old for a cat. Cats in their twenties are the vast exception, not the norm, like centenarian humans. She’s on her way out and I think maybe this situation is feeling so hopeless and overwhelming for you because everything is skewed that way in your head at the moment.

Do you have a chance to get away for a week or two with your husband and the little one? Just remove yourself from this situation to give yourself a break. It’s not a solution but might help give you some time to think through what to do next. Otherwise, there’s some good advice on this thread that you seem to be taking on board. My only addition would be to make sure you get the help and support you need right now, and cut yourself some slack right now.

Not a fan, but could you have it de-clawed?

Not actually looked into that before. Perhaps too stressful for an old cat? I will have a look though thank you.

Thank you. I’ve taken on board everything you’ve said x

My worst injuries were caused by cats in my former role and I have the scars to prove it.
Its a shit situation to be in but you must put your child first. Like I said, I am an animal lover and adore cats (I have 6!!!) but if any of them put my baby in serious danger (and your situation isnt just the odd swipe from an angry cat after a tail pull) then they would have to go.
I would desperately do my best to rehome them first and foremost

No vet is going to put an 18.yr old cat under anaesthetic and cut it's toes off.

I scruff my tiny 6lb 12 year old cat the odd time she claws me when I give the wrong number of pets or try to lift her to her food ( the other cat will quickly abandon her food to steal hers), and the tiny little asshole will still manage to wriggle around and claw me more. She is a lightening fast contortionist. She is brilliant with our toddler though, she knows he is young and won't scratch him, allows him to pet her or if not in the mood will walk away. Actually had more problems with the bigger cat who is a fiend for getting petted, she did not have so much patience with him.

It’s very cruel. And thankfully illegal in this country

Stressful, painful and thankfully illegal in this country

The claws are dirty, just as human nails are dirty, especially if the cat is a hunting cat. So there is always a risk of infection even with a shallow scratch.

It’s a difficult situation. @whomoon I wonder whether your FiL might take the cat more regularly, perhaps at weekends when you’re all in the house and there is more chance of conflict? A sort of semi-sharing situation. And you would have a regular break.

Didn’t know that, noted!

You’re thinking of toxoplasmosis which is transmitted in cat faeces by cats that are infected. It can be transmitted to humans who handle litter and who may ingest particles of dried poo. It can also be ingested if infected cats poo in a garden and you handle it accidentally and ingest via dried particles or lick your hands without washing them first. Hence why they say wear gloves and wash hands thoroughly. It has little effect on most people but can be dodgy for pregnant women and immunocompromised people hence why they are advised not to handle cat litter at all.

Cat scratch disease is bartonella bacteria transmitted by cat fleas as I said in previous post.

🤣

I was in the exact same position and rehomed my cat after he scratched my babies face completely unprovoked. There are people out there who will happily rehome an older cat. I would get the ball rolling now, it took about 6 months from me sending an email to my cat being rehomed.

Rehome the husband 😆

Well yes there’s always a tiny risk with any scratch from anything/anyone. That’s not specific to cats. Dogs can also carry bartonella bacteria and so do human body lice.

And leave me with the cat!? 😂