To ask DP to get rid of cat?

[whomoon]

My DP and I moved in together 6 years ago and he brought his cat with him. I love cats, have grown up with many over the years and had a cat myself before DP moved in before my cat passed away at an old age.

I was happy having his cat and accepted that she is not a typical cat. She is a ‘character’. Basically, you can’t go near here unless she allows you to and she will only offer you her back for 3 or 4 strokes before she’d turn round and go black eyed ready to swipe you if you dare go in for a 5th.

If you walk past her too many times she’d go for you. She wouldn’t move, she’d stand her ground. You can’t approach her from the front for a stroke. You can’t go near her to move her if she’s on your seat, I have to get a cushion and shoo her away, as she hisses and would take a swipe if she gets angry. On an evening she will sit on your lap like a normal cat, and you could get a couple of head strokes in before she settles but you can’t touch her again after that.

There are many many more examples of this. I’ve never known a cat like her. All my cats through the years have been loving, cuddly, just normal really. Yes, all have their quirks and personality but no issues living with them and dealing with them when necessary. For example I have never even picked this cat up, ever. Never to move her, or even just to hold her. She would claw me apart if I did. My DP manages to if needed and for vets visits, but that literally is it.
I have my thoughts on why she is like this but it’s not really relevant because she is like she is, and 6 years of me living with her has not changed anything. But, we’ve all lived together fine and accepted who she is. Other than warning guests to our home not to touch her, it’s just our normal I guess

So the issue now is, we had a baby in 2024. Baby is now a toddler and I cannot leave them in the same room together. We have to keep the cat behind the kitchen door, behind the dining room door, or behind the door to the stairs to ensure our toddler is both safe and free to move around. This is because our cat has swiped our toddler a few times since they were baby and started moving from 8 months, with the last time being a deep cut on their arm which has scarred. As a typical toddler, they want to touch the cat, but also play near the cat unknowingly being ‘too close’ to her which could set the cat off.

My DP says we just need to teach our toddler how to be with the cat. Yes, with a NORMAL cat that’s what we would do. Gentle hands, give space, don’t pull or poke. But when we can’t even go near the cat ourselves, how do we tell an excitable toddler this, a toddler who has been on the move since 8 months old and wouldn’t even understand until recently what not to do.

My stress and anxiety levels around this is reaching boiling point. The cat scratches at the door constantly to be let out. When the cat moves between rooms we have to watch every millisecond of where our toddler is, if they’re getting too close or in running distance if they get excited to see the cat. Even worse, our toddler now mimics our behaviour with the cat. Shaking their hands at her, shouting (we try to not shout, but hey, it’s stressful to get the cat out the room) and because of my fear of the cat lashing out, when the toddler does get near I panic and rush over going ‘no, no, no’ out of instinct so they don’t get hurt. I don’t want my toddler growing up with this stress, either being scared or hating cats.

I loved my cats growing up. I slept in their cat beds with them, pulled them around in cardboard boxes, wrapped them in blankets. Now I know my toddler won’t have that and that’s okay, but I don’t want the opposite of them hating cats, that would be awful.

today, the cat swiped me for walking past too close. Bearing in mind I do not interact with this cat, and in no way do either of us mistreat her, but because I dared get too close and she swiped me. I shouted so loud my DP was in shock. He knows I’ve reached the next level of my stress with this situation and an ultimatum is coming. I’m a calm, go with the flow person, and our house is our sanctuary. My peace is disturbed and I just can’t relax now.

but how can I ask DP to get rid? Cat is 18 years old and he’s had her since a kitten. But is that really worth his families’ stress and anxiety, closing ourselves off in our already small house to keep ourselves separate from the cat?

Our toddler is at a lovely age and playing really nicely and exploring the house safely. I want them to have this freedom and not have me follow making sure the cat isn’t anywhere near.

Has this happened to anyone, and did you put up with it or rehome the cat?

DP knows I’m not happy and sees cat as part of the family, so would be very reluctant to rehome, which I would feel with one of my own cats but there has to be a point surely!?

So:

YABU = cat is part of the family, DP will never forgive you if you make him get rid of the cat

YANBU = it’s just a cat, toddlers safety is the most importantly and your peace and sanity is also important!

I thought the spelling looked a bit odd 😂
Vicious vicious vicious… it’s in my phone now

It was a good spelling mistake!

YABVU an elderly cat shouldn’t be put through the trauma of relocation. You won’t have this problem for long.

When you put it as simply as that, I see your point. That’s why it’s been her ‘personality’ and we’ve rubbed along with her all these years.
but adding a baby to it has changed it all, life at home is not peaceful

You make it sound like you’re going to come round and sort the problem out for me 😅

Sorry but some cats are just nasty ill tempered little shits and I am constantly amazed how said pets end up bossing the household with their territorial or aggressive behaviour. A pet is supposed to offer benefits like stress reduction, companionship and entertainment, not make you have to tip toe around it or risk being scratched.

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I feel sorry for this cat, she doesn’t appear to feel safe in her home. She needs care and to be talked to kindly and gently but she’s getting shouted at regularly. She seems easily over stimulated and doesn’t like to be stroked but you describe what seems like continuous efforts to stroke her until she gets annoyed And Tells you to back off. She’s resting in a comfy chair and then you insist she moves which upsets her so you swipe at her with cushions and shout at her. She seems fearful and irritated by you crossing her boundaries and disrespecting her personal space. You don’t accept her personality or her needs as she isn’t like your childhood cats. Try to be kinder and more respectful towards this old suffering cat.

Yes-one that started a well loved thread on here!

I feel for you on this one. My dad was actually blinded in one eye from a cat swiping at him when he was 7 years old. He had 22 operations trying to save his sight.

He actually has a partner of 29 years who he can't live with as she has a cat v similar to yours. If she's on the stairs you can't go up and my dad's partner has to get a broom to put behind her to nudge her off a step and prompt her to come down the stairs. If we walk into a room with her in, my dad's partner tells you to stand back, up against the wall otherwise she will lunge out at you and savage your legs.

OP has to put her child first. I think some posters have been too harsh on her. The situation is very stressful, but it’s too late for the cat’s behaviour to change now. All the suggestions to alleviate the situation are unlikely to work. OP has given it great thought. It’s kinder all round to put the cat to sleep.

Your child is more important than the cat. Your mental health is also important. Get rid of the cat.

I was on your side to rehome (I’m a massive cat lover but do believe if the cat’s not in the right environment then it’s kindest to rehome) but then you said she’s 18. Without being grim, she probably doesn’t have much long left in her! Unless you could directly rehome her to someone you trust she would spend the rest of her days in a rescue centre. Have a look at Jackson Galaxy’s videos on YouTube, pretty sure he has quite a few on grumpy cats and little kids!

I hate cats. If this was a dog being aggressive to a young child, everyone would be telling you to get rid of it.

@whomoon Wants rid of the cat. That's her agenda. She could have tried all these things before getting pregnant in the first place. 6 years with partner. She just doesn't like the cat because it won't let her or her child treat it like a toy.
Cats know when someone hates them.

Husband has a working solution. Not good enough for OP.

Everyone would be telling her to keep the child away from the dog. They are not bloody toys.

You surely cannot be so cruel as to get rid of a cat because you chose to have a child?!

Two of my cats have been like this, some cats are, some aren't but whatever personality they have is just them.

If you have another child and this current one hits the new one or pulls its hair, would you get rid of the first child? Same principle.

And some people cause cats to be like that. @whomoon mistreated this elderly cat by her own admission of the things she does to her but that's ok because OP and her kid want to sit on that chair.

I'd advise the husband to get rid of the woman that abuses his cat but animal abuse is fine to MN because OP had a child and that's the cat's fault.

You made life not peaceful. Having a child adds stress to any household. You've made the cat's life miserable by the things you do to her. Did you hit her with something when you shoo her?

This situation isn't the cats fault. It will have been picking up your unfriendly vibes for years and now your screeching around the place yelling, screaming with arms flapping like some demented windmill. For goodness sake calm down and stop making everyone's life a misery, including the cat! You're the one upping the ante with your OTT reactions which have been frequent enough for your child to he doing the same. The last thing you are is go with the flow. It's a massively you problem!!

And cats can just be ill tempered even when in loving households, I have seen enough of them over the years. Also, why on earth does the family pet get to dictate where others sit? Its this kind of weird reasoning I don't get and now you are advocating that the husband leaves the mother of his child because she objects to a vicious cat being near her toddler?? You are mad.

To rehome an 18 year old cat is cruel. I would take the cat to the vets. She may be in pain, which is why she is swiping at everyone or has another health issue.

Not really, no, because cats are not children. I hope that helps clear it up for you.

Because the cat is fucking demented.