To ask DP to get rid of cat?

[whomoon]

My DP and I moved in together 6 years ago and he brought his cat with him. I love cats, have grown up with many over the years and had a cat myself before DP moved in before my cat passed away at an old age.

I was happy having his cat and accepted that she is not a typical cat. She is a ‘character’. Basically, you can’t go near here unless she allows you to and she will only offer you her back for 3 or 4 strokes before she’d turn round and go black eyed ready to swipe you if you dare go in for a 5th.

If you walk past her too many times she’d go for you. She wouldn’t move, she’d stand her ground. You can’t approach her from the front for a stroke. You can’t go near her to move her if she’s on your seat, I have to get a cushion and shoo her away, as she hisses and would take a swipe if she gets angry. On an evening she will sit on your lap like a normal cat, and you could get a couple of head strokes in before she settles but you can’t touch her again after that.

There are many many more examples of this. I’ve never known a cat like her. All my cats through the years have been loving, cuddly, just normal really. Yes, all have their quirks and personality but no issues living with them and dealing with them when necessary. For example I have never even picked this cat up, ever. Never to move her, or even just to hold her. She would claw me apart if I did. My DP manages to if needed and for vets visits, but that literally is it.
I have my thoughts on why she is like this but it’s not really relevant because she is like she is, and 6 years of me living with her has not changed anything. But, we’ve all lived together fine and accepted who she is. Other than warning guests to our home not to touch her, it’s just our normal I guess

So the issue now is, we had a baby in 2024. Baby is now a toddler and I cannot leave them in the same room together. We have to keep the cat behind the kitchen door, behind the dining room door, or behind the door to the stairs to ensure our toddler is both safe and free to move around. This is because our cat has swiped our toddler a few times since they were baby and started moving from 8 months, with the last time being a deep cut on their arm which has scarred. As a typical toddler, they want to touch the cat, but also play near the cat unknowingly being ‘too close’ to her which could set the cat off.

My DP says we just need to teach our toddler how to be with the cat. Yes, with a NORMAL cat that’s what we would do. Gentle hands, give space, don’t pull or poke. But when we can’t even go near the cat ourselves, how do we tell an excitable toddler this, a toddler who has been on the move since 8 months old and wouldn’t even understand until recently what not to do.

My stress and anxiety levels around this is reaching boiling point. The cat scratches at the door constantly to be let out. When the cat moves between rooms we have to watch every millisecond of where our toddler is, if they’re getting too close or in running distance if they get excited to see the cat. Even worse, our toddler now mimics our behaviour with the cat. Shaking their hands at her, shouting (we try to not shout, but hey, it’s stressful to get the cat out the room) and because of my fear of the cat lashing out, when the toddler does get near I panic and rush over going ‘no, no, no’ out of instinct so they don’t get hurt. I don’t want my toddler growing up with this stress, either being scared or hating cats.

I loved my cats growing up. I slept in their cat beds with them, pulled them around in cardboard boxes, wrapped them in blankets. Now I know my toddler won’t have that and that’s okay, but I don’t want the opposite of them hating cats, that would be awful.

today, the cat swiped me for walking past too close. Bearing in mind I do not interact with this cat, and in no way do either of us mistreat her, but because I dared get too close and she swiped me. I shouted so loud my DP was in shock. He knows I’ve reached the next level of my stress with this situation and an ultimatum is coming. I’m a calm, go with the flow person, and our house is our sanctuary. My peace is disturbed and I just can’t relax now.

but how can I ask DP to get rid? Cat is 18 years old and he’s had her since a kitten. But is that really worth his families’ stress and anxiety, closing ourselves off in our already small house to keep ourselves separate from the cat?

Our toddler is at a lovely age and playing really nicely and exploring the house safely. I want them to have this freedom and not have me follow making sure the cat isn’t anywhere near.

Has this happened to anyone, and did you put up with it or rehome the cat?

DP knows I’m not happy and sees cat as part of the family, so would be very reluctant to rehome, which I would feel with one of my own cats but there has to be a point surely!?

So:

YABU = cat is part of the family, DP will never forgive you if you make him get rid of the cat

YANBU = it’s just a cat, toddlers safety is the most importantly and your peace and sanity is also important!

You seem very stressed.

I hope you sort it out because you are responsible for two vulnerable beings.

Shut the door, forever?

Then why are you getting swiped if you stop?

You’d just kill it instead?

Alright just kill it then as that seems to be the only option that you’re looking for. 🙄

At 18 I’d have a serious discussion with the vet about putting the cat to sleep, she does not sound like a happy cat and there’s worse things than a peaceful death at a very advanced age.

If you read the thread then you’d know

No point in offering solutions or engaging.

The only thing the OP is receptive to is putting the cat to sleep and people validating it.

Every other solution is shot down.

They seem very stressed by the situation.

Toddlers are very good at learning and will learn quickly to stay away from the cat.

The OP had their own agenda here.

OP has already said she’s had PND so this remark seems unnecessary and unkind.

If you walk past her too many times she’d go for you. She wouldn’t move, she’d stand her ground. You can’t approach her from the front for a stroke. You can’t go near her to move her if she’s on your seat, I have to get a cushion and shoo her away, as she hisses and would take a swipe if she gets angry. On an evening she will sit on your lap like a normal cat, and you could get a couple of head strokes in before she settles but you can’t touch her again after that.

You have quoted this twice now, apparently to demonstrate the OP’s unreasonable behaviour with this cat, but when I read it, it seems as if the cat is impossible to avoid as it lies in places that people want to walk by or sit on. It chooses to sit on a lap but won’t tolerate stroking. This cat doesn’t seem to be trying to avoid its humans, and it’s pretty unreasonable to suggest that it shouldn’t be approached or passed or moved, when it’s standing or lying in places that the actual home owners want to use.

A lot of posters have given helpful advice to which I’ve responded and acknowledged. I need a working solution and will try everything suggested.
if I only wanted one option then I wouldn’t be asking for advice or experiences

Thank you for reading what I’m writing and understanding it.

She said she doesn’t move though, she she only has cat length arms to swipe with. No house it that small that you can’t give a wide enough berth to a cat paw. It’s not like she’s pouncing and chasing

You don't kill a cat because it's annoying sometimes. It's a last resort when the cat is in pain and suffering horribly!

Kill it? I'd re-home it or PTS.

I feel for you I really do. I rescued a cat who was a little bit like this. She would jump out from behind doors or under chair legs and take a chunk out my legs.

When we moved in with my partner she became like she was possessed though, so much worse!! Would randomly attack all the time, I couldn’t walk from one room to the next without her going nuts. She would sit looking out the window with black eyes growling tail twitching.

We did the whole Feliway around the house thing, we also used a powder from the vet that went on her food called Zylkene which semi calmed her down.

It got so bad in the end though the only option left was actual antidepressants from the vet but they said that was absolutely the last resort as then the cat would need liver tests all the time.

She wasn’t an old cat, so I looked into rehoming but nowhere wanted her because of her behaviour, two places said it would be instant PTS.

So she went to live at a local horse stables, and from what I can gather was perfectly happy sleeping in the straw bales and sunning herself on the roof and eating a lot of mice!! So they loved her. My friend used to leave a bit of dry food and water out for her in the tack room too and when it was chilly she would curl up on the battered old sofa in their with a stinky horse blanket.

Your cats age might be an issue but I suggest insisting on a very thorough vet check, they can always sedate her slightly.

(also having had PPD myself in a really big way, you need to make your health your priority. My cats could definitely pick up on my mood as could my 7 month old, get yourself off to the GP. I took 9 months worth of relatively low dose anti anxiety meds and attended a weekly drop in through the perinatal mental health team, made the world of difference!)

I have no agenda, all my posts and responses have been to engage with helpful advice, or clarify things. I don’t need validation, perhaps understanding of the situation, what other people would do or have done.
just because you don’t like my responses doesn’t mean anything.

Let me start by saying firstly I'm a cat lover! I absolutely adore cats and would have 20 of them if my DH wouldn't actually leave me because of it.....
Anyway.... your cat is dangerous to have in the home around a toddler, simple as that. If it was a dog attacking your baby it would have been euthanised on the first attack and you would have been prosecuted by knowingly keeping a dangerous pet with a minor and failing to keep them safe (this was part of my former job before anyone says I'm wrong btw).
A cat scratch can cause cat scratch fever and be fatal with just one scratch (blood poisoning). Cat bites often contaminate with pasturella (again, can be fatal). What would you do if you baby lost the sight in their eye because of this cat?
I'm sorry but it has to go. It is not safe to have around a small child.

I totally get you, its hard with a toddler and a spicy old cat. But How come in all these years you've been living with her, you never tried to overcome your fear of being swiped and show her you're not afraid? Maybe with some gloves on if her little murder mittens are too sharp and leave scars. By now she would have been much more happier to behave when around humans. She obviously knows you're both afraid of her and since she's naturally spicy, she never had to be obedient to someone else. You just accepted to be fearful and weary of her and she knows it. And now you show the same behaviour with your toddler. The cat has no reason to see you anything else but an intruder in her home and the toddler too. Not a protector.

@Bridesmaidorexfriend

yes, well, have it put to sleep, because it doesn’t sound OP, and is posing a risk to a young child.

I assume my stairs are a standard width so there is no berth there.
And if the cat is sat where I need to walk, I just what, don’t walk there? Climb over the sofa?

Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounded like a really difficult time but glad the cat is now living happily.
it shows it quite common having these ‘spicy’ cats

Why do people on here keep referring to this cat as “spicy”??! It’s bizarre. It’s not spicy, it’s aggressive. Call a spade, a spade.

But possible

a human child is much more important than cat !
put cat outside when child is about. Build warm cat shelter outside.

But I’m not fearful? Neither of us are? I haven’t said that at all.