To ask DP to get rid of cat?

[whomoon]

My DP and I moved in together 6 years ago and he brought his cat with him. I love cats, have grown up with many over the years and had a cat myself before DP moved in before my cat passed away at an old age.

I was happy having his cat and accepted that she is not a typical cat. She is a ‘character’. Basically, you can’t go near here unless she allows you to and she will only offer you her back for 3 or 4 strokes before she’d turn round and go black eyed ready to swipe you if you dare go in for a 5th.

If you walk past her too many times she’d go for you. She wouldn’t move, she’d stand her ground. You can’t approach her from the front for a stroke. You can’t go near her to move her if she’s on your seat, I have to get a cushion and shoo her away, as she hisses and would take a swipe if she gets angry. On an evening she will sit on your lap like a normal cat, and you could get a couple of head strokes in before she settles but you can’t touch her again after that.

There are many many more examples of this. I’ve never known a cat like her. All my cats through the years have been loving, cuddly, just normal really. Yes, all have their quirks and personality but no issues living with them and dealing with them when necessary. For example I have never even picked this cat up, ever. Never to move her, or even just to hold her. She would claw me apart if I did. My DP manages to if needed and for vets visits, but that literally is it.
I have my thoughts on why she is like this but it’s not really relevant because she is like she is, and 6 years of me living with her has not changed anything. But, we’ve all lived together fine and accepted who she is. Other than warning guests to our home not to touch her, it’s just our normal I guess

So the issue now is, we had a baby in 2024. Baby is now a toddler and I cannot leave them in the same room together. We have to keep the cat behind the kitchen door, behind the dining room door, or behind the door to the stairs to ensure our toddler is both safe and free to move around. This is because our cat has swiped our toddler a few times since they were baby and started moving from 8 months, with the last time being a deep cut on their arm which has scarred. As a typical toddler, they want to touch the cat, but also play near the cat unknowingly being ‘too close’ to her which could set the cat off.

My DP says we just need to teach our toddler how to be with the cat. Yes, with a NORMAL cat that’s what we would do. Gentle hands, give space, don’t pull or poke. But when we can’t even go near the cat ourselves, how do we tell an excitable toddler this, a toddler who has been on the move since 8 months old and wouldn’t even understand until recently what not to do.

My stress and anxiety levels around this is reaching boiling point. The cat scratches at the door constantly to be let out. When the cat moves between rooms we have to watch every millisecond of where our toddler is, if they’re getting too close or in running distance if they get excited to see the cat. Even worse, our toddler now mimics our behaviour with the cat. Shaking their hands at her, shouting (we try to not shout, but hey, it’s stressful to get the cat out the room) and because of my fear of the cat lashing out, when the toddler does get near I panic and rush over going ‘no, no, no’ out of instinct so they don’t get hurt. I don’t want my toddler growing up with this stress, either being scared or hating cats.

I loved my cats growing up. I slept in their cat beds with them, pulled them around in cardboard boxes, wrapped them in blankets. Now I know my toddler won’t have that and that’s okay, but I don’t want the opposite of them hating cats, that would be awful.

today, the cat swiped me for walking past too close. Bearing in mind I do not interact with this cat, and in no way do either of us mistreat her, but because I dared get too close and she swiped me. I shouted so loud my DP was in shock. He knows I’ve reached the next level of my stress with this situation and an ultimatum is coming. I’m a calm, go with the flow person, and our house is our sanctuary. My peace is disturbed and I just can’t relax now.

but how can I ask DP to get rid? Cat is 18 years old and he’s had her since a kitten. But is that really worth his families’ stress and anxiety, closing ourselves off in our already small house to keep ourselves separate from the cat?

Our toddler is at a lovely age and playing really nicely and exploring the house safely. I want them to have this freedom and not have me follow making sure the cat isn’t anywhere near.

Has this happened to anyone, and did you put up with it or rehome the cat?

DP knows I’m not happy and sees cat as part of the family, so would be very reluctant to rehome, which I would feel with one of my own cats but there has to be a point surely!?

So:

YABU = cat is part of the family, DP will never forgive you if you make him get rid of the cat

YANBU = it’s just a cat, toddlers safety is the most importantly and your peace and sanity is also important!

Was going to say this, you sound obsessed with trying to stroke this cat. It doesn’t want to be stroked. Stop trying to get two strokes in, or head scratches. Just leave her be.

The toddler can’t help it but you can.

I’d continue as you are and lure the cat out of the room and if she’s scratching at the door then try double sided sticky tape on the doors to deter her from scratching. Make sure she’s got some places to hide and climb. Have toys out, treat boards etc to keep her entertained. Let her back in to spend time with you and your DP once toddler is in bed so she has company. But DO NOT try and stroke her. And tell your DP not to either. If she’s trying to swipe so quickly she clearly doesn’t want it. Respect the swipe

It’s a good idea but we do tend to know where the cat is and if we don’t, it’s because she’s on a chair somewhere or sitting on the floor round the corner of my vision. So unless running about, we wouldn’t hear it.

Carry a small spray bottle with you or have them stashed in strategic places,if she swipes then spray her. She'll soon get the hang of it.
Please do not give her to a rescue centre or put her to sleep for the sake of you being a bit stressed.
And please never get anymore pets.

Have you actually spoken to FIL about him possibly having the cat?

her behaviour wouldn’t bother me as it’s within the bounds of normal cat behaviour and I have gardening gloves for when I need to groom/move cats that are taking swipes.

FIL may be a lot less bothered by her behaviour.

btw I currently have three cats and one of them absolutely loves burrowing in piles of blankets. He’s a bloody nuisance actually (only has one brain cell). Stupidest cat I have ever met, let alone owned.

Hmmmmm. It’s very unusual for a cat to sit around waiting for a toddler to jump them. Generally they make a swift exit when they see a baby, especially if it’s a small child who has hurt them already. I doubt your toddler will remember the cat at all, given it’s 18 years old and won’t be around for much longer. Do you have a catflap OP? In your situation, I’d probably pop the cat outside when toddler was playing in the areas the cat likes to be. Has the cat been checked out by a vet recently?

Please see my response to this post, I explained I don’t actively stroke the cat, just explaining the situation of what happens when you do stroke the cat.
Believe me, I don’t want to stroke the cat anymore than she wants me to at this point. DP gives her the affection if she wants it.

Tbh, we haven’t changed anything for her treat wise, toys, beds or anything since DC arrived so she has access to everything she’s ever had, but will make sure she has more beds and hideaways to get to

No you shouldn’t

That’s an old wives tale

MN has an absolutely bonkers attitude towards pets. The cat needs to be PTS. I agree it would be very hard, and actually quite cruel to try and rehome. But you shouldn't have to live with a dangerous animal, which is what it is. Your baby absolutely shouldn't have to! Of course you do whatever you need to do, to protect your infant child from harm.

I wonder if all the posters wringing their hands over the cat's life, are all completely vegan and don't use aeroplanes or anything else that causes global warming and causes habitat loss / pollution, which kills animals? Or is it just viscous cats that are inexplicably more important than all other animals, and apparently human infants too? It genuinely baffles me.

This is a truly wild amount of effort to go to, in the hope it doesn't attack a baby. Plus, with all the treat boards in the world, one unlucky strike and the baby could be disfigured for life, or even blinded. For a cat.

Some interesting spelling errors on this thread

1. You are not respecting the boundaries of this cat. By your own admission, she’s fine with strokes until you overstimulate her.
2. Your little one will learn very very quickly (hopefully faster than you did!) about when they can touch the cat.
3. Please do not have any more children unless you actually both discuss it and communicate properly. I mean, you didn’t think to have this discussion BEFORE having a child?

‘If you walk past her too many times she’d go for you. She wouldn’t move, she’d stand her ground. You can’t approach her from the front for a stroke. You can’t go near her to move her if she’s on your seat, I have to get a cushion and shoo her away, as she hisses and would take a swipe if she gets angry. On an evening she will sit on your lap like a normal cat, and you could get a couple of head strokes in before she settles but you can’t touch her again after that.’

Honestly, this is a very good argument for why people should be made to take aptitude tests before being allowed to have children.

I agree, what's the point in even having a cat in this scenario?

It seems the OP is the one who is overstimulating the cat.

She allows a few strokes before the OP pushes her boundaries.

‘If you walk past her too many times she’d go for you. She wouldn’t move, she’d stand her ground. You can’t approach her from the front for a stroke. You can’t go near her to move her if she’s on your seat, I have to get a cushion and shoo her away, as she hisses and would take a swipe if she gets angry. On an evening she will sit on your lap like a normal cat, and you could get a couple of head strokes in before she settles but you can’t touch her again after that.’

I’ll book sterilisation for myself and DP as soon as the cat has been PTS.
do you think I could take the test retrospectively?

You can get cellulitis from a cat scratch

The difference is here that the OP is overstimulating the cat.

The OP says the cat only swiped when she’s been stroked too much.

It is a cat reacting to a clueless owner.

Do you know any good shops, where I might be able to purchase a nice hat? I'd like something made of tin foil.

I’m explaining the situation with the cat.
Not walking past her and not being able to sit down because she won’t move isn’t me over stimulating the cat. I am living in my house.
the number of strokes illustrates what the cat tolerates, and don’t go for more because I know she doesn’t like it.

That’s exactly what happens yes. This is the only reason the cat swipes, nothing else. I stroked one too many times!

🤔

A common sense test might be better for a variety of reasons.

Now there's some interesting use of sarcasm among posters too!

Keeping a cat out of the same room as you and you toddler is an extreme amount of effort? Just shut the door

Noted, thank you. I’ll brush up on my knowledge of a variety of reasons.