People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

This is interesting, can you elaborate?

I don't think there's a consistent social norm on this in the UK.

Some people ask loads of questions but clearly don't listen to most of the answers and they're asking to be polite but the conversation ends up super boring as the answers are boring answers to a boring closed question.

Some people are really just waiting for you to tell them something interesting or talk something through if you actually have something to say, with just one opener.

Sometimes people are shy and sometimes they're just waiting to tell you what they want to say. Sometimes they don't know what question you'd like to answer I suppose. Sometimes they won't want to seem like they're interrogating you or asking a personal question. Sometimes I can remember a detail that would help the question (like the name of someone from a previous story)

In our (admittedly slightly spectummy) family there's a norm of asking, can I talk to you about...? (And you can say no if it's someone's special interest that you're sick of hearing about). In my dads family the style is just to launch in with a story, funny observation or bit of banter/insult to who you're talking to.

If you want to tell your guests something why don't you just tell them and then they can join in?

Where i grew up it was a sin to gossip, it was frowned upon to be nosey. It was praised to be quiet and still, that was considered intelligent and respectful to be able to sit in silence than fill it with chitchat. Coming to the UK it was different, people will readily chat if its to complain and moan or discuss the weather but the British are very easily offended and it can go from ok topic to personal very quickly, it's mindboggling. Most Brits I encountered either then freeze you out without telling you why you offended them they just avoid you, or they never really accept the apology and let go, holding grudges forever.
Sometimes I genuinely don't want to talk and replied to questions just to be polite to you, I was hoping you would get the hint and leave me alone. I accept that I am probably weird and awkward too.
I just think if someone isn't engaging, leave them alone stop pestering which is what people have done with me, I guess they thought I was shy ... I wasn't I just am not interested and just have to be there..
I have met people who do keep talking to you to make others notice that they are making effort and it's you who isn't nice or social, sort of setting you up to be portrayed in a certain way when they know you just don't like them specifically.

It's narcissism.

My in-laws - laws have very poor social skills.
FIL is a storyteller. Mostly the same ones at length
MIL is underneath her snobby veneer not quick thinking.
SIL is another story teller.
BIL is silent.

After 30 years I'm done with the lot of them.
They never ask about me or are interested in us at all. I've tried volunteering information but there's never any follow up in a 'last time we saw you, this, how's that going' way.
SiL will be monologuing away and I'll interject something completely relevant and she'll still keep going.

Communicating, building relationships quickly, has been a big part of my career success.
DH has got a lot better over the years and it's now a really important part of his job.
The lack of effort from his family makes us both sad.

Most people who ask how you are don’t actually care - because the socially acceptable answer is “fine thanks, and you?” not “I feel absolutely shit” with a whole laundry list of reasons why.

Will never forget dd2 year 1 queuing for the classroom. There was a silence and she turned to the mum next to us who I didn’t know well and said “do you have any nice plans for the weekend”? My work was done.

I think it totally depends on their other conversation skills. I have a friend who I love chatting to but doesn’t ask many questions but I share things anyway and she’s interested and listens and sometimes is prompted to share something similar. We also talk about people we know and laugh a lot about stupid stuff we’ve got up to in the past etc. I literally never noticed she doesn’t ask questions until I read your post and thought about it! I can also think of people I know who ask way too many questions and it gets annoying. I get tired of repeating the same facts about what’s going on in my life over and over and I might not feel like talking about myself in that moment. I’d much rather relax and have a laugh with someone without the pressure of being asked questions all the time. However, without any other conversation skills you do tend to notice a lack of questions more and I agree it does get annoying if it’s close family. My dad is an example, he asks me zero questions about my life, despite me asking him loads. But he also doesn’t offer up any other conversation. He’ll just sit there in silence or talk about the weather! It can be hurtful sometimes but that’s because he’s my parent.
You said something like “maybe she never learnt to ask questions” - surely that would mean your DH didn’t either as they’re siblings?

I had an ex DIL like this. They’re very hard work ! How can you have a two way conversation with someone. If I asked a question, such as how’s work been ? I’d just get a one word answer, end of conversation. I think it’s odd.

What a load of rubbish.

The OP is talking about close family members. She is not asking them details of their sex life or to see their bank statements. She is having - or trying to have - a conversation about all the sorts of things that people talk about in regular social interaction. It is not "personal" to talk about what your kids are up to at school or how your job is going.

No wonder so many on MN seem to struggle with very basic social interaction.

KitkatFamily · Today 07:58
Where i grew up it was a sin to gossip, it was frowned upon to be nosey. It was praised to be quiet and still, that was considered intelligent and respectful to be able to sit in silence than fill it with chitchat.
...............
I would have loved your upbringing! I grew up surrounded by gossip and meaningless chatter, My mother firmly believed in 'making conversation' when none was necessary, interspersed with inane laughs. She'd talk about weather, the price of beef and things in newspaper headlines even if nobody was listening - and ask questions. I spent much of my childhood cringing with embarrassment.

Something in between is best.

Asking questions is the very foundation of building relationships. I worked in sales for years. One of the best skills I ever learned was that everyone likes to feel heard. So you ask non intrusive questions about them and then randomly refer back to what they said shortly afterwards. It needs to be done subtly.

Honestly it's so effective at drawing people in and now I do it automatically in social settings but when people respond really positively I feel manipulative and insincere.

My friend has an uncanny skill (better than me) of making people feel good - like she is incredibly interested in what they are saying (sometimes she is genuinely). She is a total people magnet. I've known her since we were three and she always has been.

I find people like this exhausting. I can’t understand how it can be so difficult to show some interest and ask how your family are, if you have any holidays planned, how your sick mother is, how your job is going etc… it’s called showing an interest in the other person and making two way conversation.
I prefer to keep time with these types of people at a minimum as there is only so much conversation you can have with them before it seriously dries up and becomes awkward.

I think there’s a whole range of reasons why ‘people’ (ie those different to you) may not ask questions.

It's really interesting reading this as it just highlights how everyone has different conversation styles...I do tend to get along better with anecdote sharers and often share my own that are related. Some people can interpret this conversation style as Tenerife/Eleven-erife personality though and I try to be mindful of that.
I also thought of another example that sometimes limits me with asking questions. A colleague that I've worked with for 7 years DH had a health issue...she had shared it and the next time we were in the office together, I wanted to ask her how he was doing but - MIND BLANK - could not remember her husbands name. I had several ideas for what his name might be but I really really struggle to remember names of people who I haven't met and therefore don't have a face to match it to. Same with other colleagues children. I couldn't very well ask 'How's your husband doing?' because I absolutely should know his name after her referring to him by it for 7 years. On that occasion I had to wait until another colleague came along and asked and realised it must have looked like I just didn't care. I now have a cheat sheet in work that I added to every time a colleague mentioned DH, DB/Dsis/DC's names which is ridiculous...but better than coming across like I have no interest in their lives when they often share things about their family.

Oh a few of my partners friends have wives and girlfriends like this. We will go out for dinner or be at a wedding and I’ll ask them about work/ their children/ anything that comes up in conversation. They must be happy to talk to me as we will have full conversations about their lives, but they never ask me a thing. I just assume they have no interest in my life 😂 my job is very boring in comparison to theirs, so I understand …but I do finish these nights thinking they couldn’t tell anyone a single thing about me!

Would you not mention those things without being specifically asked. I find that odd.

That's the kind of question I dislike. It's why I hate going to the hairdressers. If I want to talk about it I will.

I doubt OP is asking what they earn or how sex is these days. Ffs.

Do you often introduce yourself with job title? I find that more odd!
She just talks about herself. Wasn't at our wedding due to distance so has never met my adult dc

Can you give an example of one of these non-intrusive sales questions then referring back? I’m pretty sure an estate agent for a house I showed some mild interest in is trying this 🤣 unsuccessfully…I can see right through him. It’s quite amusing though cos he thinks he’s a total charmer 😬

Brother and sister in law - 20 years I’ve been part of the family and they’ve never asked questions (or indeed commented on anything). Just one example - turned up at Easter lunch in a sling after a shoulder op : not a single question , how are you, how’d it go, how’s the recovery.

my Teen dc started noticing aged 13 or so and now at family events it’s become a sport to see if their aunty and uncle ask them any questions or indeed comment on anything about them. Not how did your GCSEs go, nothing.

Aunty and uncle have similarly aged children and we dutifully ask about all their hobbies and how things are going and make encouraging and supportive comments. Aunty and uncle would have zero clue what sports our dc play, or that they are in this that or the other because they NEVER ask.

its so rude. I’m glad I’m not alone this thread has been very cathartic

That's right. We're all discussing them here. Join in if you like.

Yeah, my step DIL is like this. Wrapped up in her own little world. I ask questions and get nothing back then sit there staring into space as I've run out of things to say! 😅I do think it's rude, and she knows nothing at all about me.

Does conversation not just flow? They talk about their lives and you tell them stuff that’s happening with you? Do you need to be asked before you tell them about life and work and school etc? I don’t tend to ask questions unless there’s something I want to follow up on we just chat about stuff.