People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

Actually, I wouldn't. I might say "wow, I haven't seen this huge thing built last time I visited" and you may respond with "Oh, yes. It was a real shocker when it went up last year" and I would comment "It's such a shame they obstructed the view of the park for the houses over there"...and so on and so forth.
And what would I ask someone about their new car? Or their renovation?

It wouldn't be the first thing I'd say but I'd mention it in context if relevant. If the other person was talking constantly about themself with no gaps for me to say anything I'd probably just zone out.

Yes. This is my type of conversation.

This! I call it “listening with interest” and it does work. Make people feel listened to, valued and interesting for even just a minute. Breaks the ice. So many people do not have this skill.

I also know someone like your friend, she makes everything seem so effortless and everyone is just drawn to her. It’s amazing.

I don’t introduce myself with my job title but if someone is talking about their work I’ll find a gap in conversation and mention what I do, or a common theme in what we’re talking about. Do you never volunteer information about yourself and your life without being directly asked?

I would find it rude and intrusive to be asked so many personal questions. They may be family but if you haven't seen them in 10 years you are not close.
I wouldn't ask such personal questions either. If someone wants to discuss aspects of their personal life then they will, when they feel it is appropriate.
I have many interests,conversation with others is rarely dull, and you can learn a lot about someone in discussions about shared interests.
Some people don't want to open up to people especially those they are not close to- oversharing is a minefield.
Many of us are protective of our inner worlds, and only share when it is appropriate.

It sounds awkward to avoid general chitchat. I personally don’t like being asked questions other than very general chitchat. I would find it even more uncomfortable to be met with silence.

The absolute worst are the ones where you ask a polite question. They answer at length. Silence. You ask another polite question. Monologue about themselves. Silence. We had a paying house guest like this once. By the end of the stay we both detested her.

I have relatives like this- though they are very keen to tell us about their holidays in detail (they go to many beautiful places but tend to stay on the cruise boat!) and how wonderful their children/ grandchildren are. They never make a comment or ask anything. We always ask .

We are now so fed up of it we now see who can get in the most bizarre random fact in when talking to them to try and get a comment from them. They are so dull and we haven't yet managed to get them to comment. We are now upping our game!

Those questions are a bit of a gateway to something more exciting. If I start with “Hey, I heard you wrote a book! When is it coming out?” then it might be a few conversational jumps before we get into deciding who would be the hardest to beat in a school mum fight club. If someone started with the fight club right away there’s a chance that they may come across as blooming odd.

I don’t think you can predict how it makes someone else feel. I have a SUL whose mode of conversation is to ask lots of questions - I feel like I’ve been through the wringer by the time she leaves. Conversation doesn’t flow well because in her head the only way to show interest is to ask lots of questions.

There’s a real skill in being able to draw people out without asking questions, it gives the other person control of the conversation to share or not share without feeling rude for not answering direct questions.

I don't think that questions are an essential requirement but conversations should be back and forth with some attempt at equity between people. Questions can be a useful tool to help balance and keep the conversation going.

Some of us do have to be taught how to have a conversation and work on our skills, no shame in that, we are all good at different things. Personally I give up on people who are too one sided very quickly, if I want a monologue I'll choose a podcast that interests me, I've no need to receive an impromptu one.

But when they answer do you not share something about yourself or your life linked to what they’ve talked about?

There’s a line between showing interest in others and prying for private info.

Failing to do the first is just as rude as indulging in the latter.

You sound like a good conversationalist and I'd totally respond the way you'd anticipate. That's definitely how conversations should be, but it doesn't preclude asking questions.

People on this thread seem to be stuck on a very dull set of questions; how are you? What is your job/how is it going? What hobbies do you have/how is that going?, but in reality questions can be an almost seamless part of a continuing conversation. "Do you remember when that was a cinema?", "when were you here last?"

It's a balance isn't it?

@Catza - so if you used to stay at families house and sleep on sofa bed in living room, and next time you visit your staying in a huge guest suite with en suite etc you literally wouldn’t mention it?

The pool is hilarious. It was an old green public space full of half broken buildings for years. Now it’s a huge outdoor thermal pool, full of people, restaurants etc. it’s lovely. Not one question. Just walk past as if it’s not there.

Another example Ds and I were in garden planting seeds, Ds comes in and tells grandpa he Finished planting seeds. No question at all from grandpa about oh what seeds did you plant, did you water them? Surely simple questions you ask small children who are trying to share something exciting.
On FaceTime recently Ds said to them about going to look at his school for September , no questions from them about where it is, did they meet teacher, what did they think will be exciting to do. It means Ds just gives up conversation

I find with these types I can't tell the difference between the pause or them just drawing breath so they can carry on with the monologue. I suspect a lot of people that complain about others interrupting are people that do this. It's difficult to know when you can interject a relevent response to what they've said.

Yanbu. These people frustrate me so much. Until reading this thread, I labelled them as empty, boring people and steer as far as possible from them. How can one make it to 60 and not be able to converse with another. We're talking about, "how are you, how's work, what is your job, how is your family"... not meant as an inquisition but a 2 way Street. Isn't that how you get to know people?I can't tell you the last time anybody asked me a very personal question that I didn't want to answer. I don't regard them as rude, but the consensus that they live in their own tiny bubble and consider nobody else is also one I'd agree with. The pain of sitting next to someone and having to squeeze each word from their lips. Where's the family pet ?😂

We used to host overseas teens and helped them with their conversation. Honestly some of these Spanish teens had better social skills than 60 something people talking their own language.

Oh now that's interesting, I'm North East as well. Technically middle class, but definitely at the lower end!

I have a friend like this. Often when I spend time with her I feel like I’m interviewing her as is just me asking questions, she responds but doesn’t ask any back. And I’m not asking “personal” questions it’s just like… how was your holiday? How’s your daughter? Any updates on that wild colleague you told me about last time? Have you been watching the Traitors?

I can see both sides. My mother is forever banging on about people I barely know about and care less. I don't ask questions about them in the hope that she'll take the hint that I'm NOT INTERESTED but she doesn't. That said, a little bit of polite small talk is required, so I can see why you feel awkward. Do these people make conversation in other ways? 'Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people'.

But you said they gave a long answer and then stopped, when they stop rather than searching for another question, tell them about you.

eh How are you? Oh you know Doris had her knee surgery and she’s been slow to get around, and what about the price of butter these days…. I hope her surgery has been successful, I know I was telling Boris the other day £5k for a tub of lurpak… and the conversation continues on.

I don't think people's personal lives are the most interesting thing to have a conversation about. I'll ask questions but more likely to be about what they think about that book they just read, or current affairs, or that new art exhibition. And I much prefer being asked those questions than about my personal life as well.

If someone's going through something big (bereavement or job stress or whatever) I'll let them know they can talk about it if they want, but very often they don't (similar to me). But ultimately, no I'm not interested in my friends' parents or their kids' schools if everything's just ticking along mundanely - I'm interested in their thoughts and opinions on the wider world.

Ah well, it's specifically lower middle class I'm talking about here, and I'm sure none of your lovely friends would identify as being that! We are the class that dare not speak its name 😂