People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

I'm from a family where our conversation is exchanging anecdotes rather than asking questions and I've found it impossible to get over as an adult. I've read these threads before and made a conscious effort to practice on here but I still end up writing a lot of anecdotes instead. I love finding another anecdoter though. To me a conversation is only comfortable when each person is sharing stories and the conversation is flowing naturally. I wouldn't dream of interrupting a story with a question. I would respond by sharing my own anecdote along the same topic. Is this being rude? I actually have a list of questions to ask people I carry with me but I struggle to break the feeling of rudeness to ask them. I ended up saying them really awkwardly and get odd responses that end the conversation. I hate to be asked questions myself and struggle to answer them and my mind is blank once I've finished and I wouldn't ask it back as it seems so rude and repetitive to repeat the same question back, the silence would be me waiting for them to share their story that never arrives from some people, just a different odd question I don't know what to do with.

the sil talking to ops family is a woman talking to her brother, his wife and her nieces/nephews. It is not rude to ask questions about their life, it is rude to not ask questions and show an interest.

My mum is like this and I honestly think it’s either jealousy or ignorance. I’m an academic so if I start talking about work, I see her glaze over. She has no understanding of what I do or why I do it. She isn’t interested in papers I write, or research I do. She never went to uni and is the sort of person who loves to sit and gossip which I’m not. We’re like chalk and cheese to be honest. I gave up bothering to tell her anything a long time ago as a result. Nothing really impresses her because she doesn’t understand the gravitas. I could win the Nobel prize for literature and she would just say well done.

I don’t ask q’s. I think it’s bcoz of the way i was brought up. My dad would always say, to shut me & my brothers up; that he’d tell us, when we were old enough to understand the answer. I guess I just gave up.

I believe that if someone wants you to know something, they'll tell you. I ask people only the same questions they've asked me because I assume that if they've asked me something its something they're willing to share about themselves.

So sorry, @Isittimeformynapyet , I've been unavoidably detained.
It has been fascinating coming back to this thread to see the interesting debate, and your rather rude contribution.
Many of us were told when we were children that 'personal questions are rude'. My 'contribution' was a quote.
Lots of people on the thread recognised it as such.
For some parts of society personal questions are rude.
It is interesting that some people on the thread spotted the word 'personal' and others assumed I was suggesting that all questions are rude.

This. I hate being questioned it makes me clam up. I still manage to have conversations.

Yes, I’m the same. If I want to talk to someone about something I’ll just talk about it, I don’t need a prompt.

I also find a lot of questions to be quite boring in all
honesty - do people really want to talk about their jobs and their kids potty training and their sleep? Aren’t their more exciting things? 🫣

Hadn't thought of it like that but I suppose it makes a lot of sense. DH's family hardly talk so it explains that then....the conversation just dies off. No follow up questions etc. Yep. Awkward!

I agree with a PP that there’s a class dimension. Working class and lower middle class conventions dictate that this is bad form and “prying”. Middle class people see it as currency.

Some people dont seem to care about others

By nature, I’m a private person, and I generally don’t tell people information about myself unless I specifically want to. I have nothing to hide, and I’m not trying to cultivate a secretive or mysterious air, I’m just private and don’t feel a need to share. I hate being on the receiving end of personal questions. I can still recall being in the queue for the Covid vaccine at work. Ahead of me was a woman from another department that I’d had some email exchanges with, in relation to work, and who I’d met on only one other occasion. It felt like she was shining a light in my eyes - are your parents alive? How old are they? Where do they live? How often do you see them? Are they in good health? Do you have kids? Are you married? Do you plan to stay here long term? It was horrible, intrusive and overbearing.

I'm amused at how many people here are at pains to point out that they ask questions not because they’re nosey, oh no, but because they’re interested in people. As if that’s not nosey!

Yes. This is how I was brought up. I share, reciprocallly with my close friends but I hate it when people I don’t know well/trust start probing, I know someone who does this and who will ask personal questions about friends of mine she hasn’t even met. It’s just nosy, prying and I suspect gossip fodder so I just answe briefly and blandly without giving any details.

Very easily. We sit at a kitchen table. One of us says something, the other person responds with a relevant anecdote, the next person does the same. Everyone makes encouraging noses, then one person shares a funny story that happened at work. We laugh. Then someone else remembers something relating to that story from their own life, they comment on that. We have a discussion. Maybe gossip a little. Before you know it, we've had a whole conversation lasting several hours with everyone contributing freely and not a single question asked.

I absolutely detest people who sit there waiting for me to interrogate them in order to initiate a conversation. And if I don't ask any questions, they just sit in silence. Works both ways, you know...

Thanks for responding and I'm sorry if I was rude.

Without quotation marks "It is rude to ask personal questions" is just a statement. You've had a lot of responses treating it as such.

Of course people spotted the word "personal" - it was in your statement!

The OP asked "why don't people ask questions?" and nearly everyone who thinks not asking them is perfectly fine has added the word "personal" to it, presumably to deflect from their own social difficulties.

It is patently not rude to ask questions.

Dh sister is like this. In 3 years of marriage she hasnt asked me a single question.
I don't think she knows my job, my children's names even! I find it very odd

Do you have kids OP?

How does the conversation go if you wanted to respond with something that isn't the question they ask? In my family say someone has been on holiday, they'd tell us about it and I'd respond with a story about a similar thing happening on my holiday previously, they'd respond along the same lines still about their recent holiday and it would go back and forth naturally. With the question asking style if at the end of their holiday story they said to me "so where are you going on your next holiday?" and I've got nothing booked, does the topic end? Do you change the subject now and ask them the same "I've got nothing booked, where are you going for your next holiday?" Or even a totally new topic like how did you find work when you got back? Isn't that rude because you've ended their current holiday story discussion and moved topic? I find it very stilted when that happens.

I would find it rude and intrusive to be asked so many personal questions. They may be family but if you haven't seen them in 10 years you are not close.
I wouldn't ask such personal questions either. If someone wants to discuss aspects of their personal life then they will, when they feel it is appropriate.
I have many interests,conversation with others is rarely dull, and you can learn a lot about someone in discussions about shared interests.
Some people don't want to open up to people especially those they are not close to- oversharing is a minefield.

Or perhaps these relatives are simply not interested in your work, your kid's school- pretty dull conversation anyway.

I think the OP is talking about people who don't ask any questions rather than advocating only communicating by asking questions.

Yes it’s really tedious having long staying guests who have no interest in anything.

My dad visits us maybe once every 2 years. Never asks any questions. Not even basic ones about the garden or toddler.

Last time he came we had had our wedding ( he couldn’t attend), built extension and renovated loads, Ds grew from 2-4 years, there was loads of new stuff built in the town we live in, new car, new neighbours came over. And he didn’t ask a single question about anything that had happened or he saw different from 2 years beforehand. I find it bizarre.

It’s not personal questions either. Like wouldn’t you ask ‘when did that huge outdoor swimming pool in town get built’?

My sister and I found exactly this from our elderly relatives (two couples) a couple of years ago. Nothing back! DS said she’d changed jobs this year…didn’t ask what to, where or anything.
Turns out we’d all been to Belfast on holiday separately, we tried to join in when they talked about their trips as we’d been to those places too…nothing, just silence and then they carried on.
It was like that the whole time, anything we tried was met with silence, indifference or just ignored. Never used to be like that.

Tried to be part of things by asking questions about their lives, but felt too much like an interview so gave up. It’s soul destroying. We’re not boring people!

That was 2023, didn’t bother going in 24 or 25. In fact in 25 we weren’t invited. The family gathering was arranged for when we were both working on weekday lunchtimes. They’re obviously not interested in us, we don’t feel it’s a great loss.

Even if someone asks you how you are?

My mum is the same. She has never asked about me, my children, or my life. It used to really upset me, but in the last couple of years, I've come to terms with it. Its caused permanent damage to our relationship because now I barely talk to her at all and see her just a few times a year. I used to think she didn't like me, now I think she's small-minded and rude. This post has helped, tbh!

I find that someone asking a lot of questions can feel a bit like an interrogation - you answer and instead of them showing any actual interest in what you’ve said, they fire out the next question.

Personally I see most questions and small talk as one of those social norms that doesn’t actually make any sense when you think about it. I don’t believe anyone truly cares all that much about my job or my hobbies or what I did at the weekend - why would they? 🫣