People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

It's rude to ask "How are you," or about your job, your beautiful garden, etc.? If so, I assume you don't have friends to catch up with as that "would be personal?"

I find it bizarre that the op’s husband’s own sister, can’t make an effort to at least feign some interest in the family who have been kind enough to host them.
Do they all sit at the dinner table in silence?
There are lots of suggestions on here about starting and maintaining conversations but in this case these people just aren’t interested in them.

Next time I’d suggest that they all stayed in a hotel!

Literally how do you talk to people

That one sentence was @SuffolkBargeWoman's only contribution to the thread. No explanation, no "I think...", just one little sentence informing us of something that is categorically untrue.

If that is indicative of her conversation style then I think we can safely assume she doesn't talk to people much.

Suffolk is probably the best place for her 😄

I think I have only experienced this on dates, when I would find that some men never asked me anything about myself. Our conversations were focused entirely on them.

It became a yardstick for me- if they didn’t ask me anything about myself but were happy to talk about themselves all night, I wouldn’t see them again. It’s essentially selfish, a lack of interest in the other person and an expectation that you and your interests, annd what you think anbout things, are the only topics worth discussing.
I found it so wearing as all the conversational work was on me- I suspect that they’d have been the sort to let other work fall to me too!

I grew up in a North East working class environment. Taught it was the height of rudeness to ask personal questions.
I was taken aback when I realised it was done thing in wider circles but hell it’s hard to break out the box!

No it isn’t, it’s a basic social skill to show an interest in other people’s lives.

I think you have rather misunderstood this.
especially in the context of family.

So “show me you school report” is rude. What subjects do you like is not rude?

Are you parents keeping well- Not rude
Did you brother cheat, and that’s what’s caused the divorce? Rude

Do you like to follow the football then? Not rude
I see you’re reading that Famous Book, what do you make of X in it? Not Rude

If you can’t distinguish between rude / prying and normal conversation then perhaps you could start to think about why you have such a skewed view and think about how conversation and getting to know people or conversations are actually supposed to work.

I don't like asking or being asked, it's exhausting and often irrelevant stuff we won't remember so what's the point of silly 21 question conversations? We both don't actually care.

Could you give n example of how you would develop a conversation with a new person please, if you can’t ask questions (what would ‘personal questions’ be, what would be ok to ask..?)

Fab thread. I used to look for resources occasionally to get all the kids talking and thinking at supper in the evenings. DD1 is an over talker and over sharer so would dominate and this way everyone got a go.
I do think it’s a learned skill for lots of people.
When I see something interesting, could be here could be IG I always ask the kids their thoughts.
We used to run through lots of MN situations and scenarios. Lots of critical thinking things. Lots of what might be the kickback and ripple effect from things that kids did at school. It was fun and got everyone involved.
DH is a story teller and while that is a skill it doesn’t let anyone else share what’s happening with them.

It's just not something I've experienced in the UK in any of the many middle class households I've been a guest in. There are individuals who haven't asked questions (who tend to be quite anti-social in all sorts of ways and who seem to exist in every class), but never whole families.

The Silly Questions are the openers to the conversation you are happy to have.

Presumably you don’t want to just sit in silence and are prepared to participate in the conversation. So how do you actually get past the polite openers - did you not know that is their function?

Have you ever considered that you are just stand-offish and rude?

My MIL is like this. She never asks the DCs anything either. When I had cancer (yes, she knew) she never asked how I was or what she could do to help. That crossed a line with me and I stepped back. The kids see her with my DH but I avoid contact - and feel 100% better - I felt in her case the silence was selfish (but accompanied by other symptoms)

I don’t think it’s about trying not to be nosey. My in-laws tell me every bloody detail about people I’ve never met, to an extent that those people would have good reason to be upset at the intrusion. How they find this information out is beyond me, as they never ask any questions or show a jot of interest in my life. Maybe it’s just me they’re not interested in, though.

A lot of similar responders have done the same as you and added the word "personal" to the question "why don't people ask questions".

Do you not distinguish between "have you tried that new café at the bottom of Bridge Street?" and "have you ever had heamarroids?"?

My Nanna was from Co. Durham and she asked questions. She was staunchly working class.

Your post seems odd to me. They haven't learned to ask questions? I think the issue isn't that they don't ask questions but they haven't shown any interest in you while staying in your home.

Some people don't talk as much as others and don't enjoy being asked a load of questions. I can see that they might seem rude but I also think you shouldn't keep asking questions if it's clearly one way. Are they showing signs that they want to answer all your questions? Have they made conversation about anything else?

I’m proper posh and was taught that taking a genuine interest in everyone in our lives was the right thing to do. How can you help people if you don’t know what they need?
I’m bloody brilliant at networking as a result.

Omg I could have written this, this is my in laws through and through. They have no curiosity, my SIL has always encouraged her children to play with a screen when present with adults or switch tv on if no iPads or phones are available. They all have zero curiosity and live quite isolated lives, they watch a lot of tv but don’t actually spend time talking apart from mind numbing chit chat. They are very working class but some of them have a fair bit of money now tbh, it changed nothing though, they don’t go anywhere, have jobs they fell into and dislike and they have no hobbies. so nothing to talk about.

Don’t be ridiculous! This is how conversations work.

@namechange46774337 this is me too 100%. I hate it about myself because I'm aware it comes across as uninterested but it really isn't that at all, I'm actually quite nosey! Someone will ask me a question and it's like my brain can only focus on answering that and afterwards I realise I could have asked them about xyz and didn't and I feel terrible. I'm better in groups, where other people ask someone a question and I can then follow up with another one myself but if its one on one I'm just useless. I do suspect ADHD in me though so I wonder if that's part of the problem, it can be quite hard to focus my brain to think about something other than what I have just been asked myself if that makes sense?

I can send my dh over @Bluedoor11 . He drives me nuts with his questions. What did you have for lunch? What did dc eat? What time did you get home? How much did it cost? Did you see x there? When did you finish that? How long time did it take? Ahhrg! He's not controlling- he just likes to know everything and it's so annoying. I am rude because I ask him if he finds the topic interesting. He will sometimes admit to no but most of the times he just likes to know. I love him but I couldn't care less of the mundane details of his day.

But I do ask questions that are broader- like how is everything with work, children, family etc with family/friends. Just not in detail :) but I don't think OP would care for that either.

You realise the people who are saying it's a learnt skill and lots of people today don't seem to have learnt how to have a proper conversation are talking about you?

It's easy enough to learn, though you do need to practice. There are lots of books and websites that you can read to help. Having a short list of general questions ready, and a routine that you practice to answer then ask, are some starter tips for that problem of not reciprocating with questions. Also, when someone tells you something, rephrasing it so you have time to process what they've said and then a second or two to think about next steps (asking more questions!) can help with the process lag (and if you get good at the rephrasing, it helps them feel heard and can show up any misunderstandings). I've seen "How to talk to anybody" recommended in ADHD groups in the US (probably good for the UK too, though cultural differences may mean you need to adapt some suggestions) as a good resources for developing these skills.

As a child I was constantly told to stop asking questions and, as I got older, that I must be stupid to keep asking questions. So I learnt that questions were bad.

Consequently I have had to train myself to understand when it is actually appropriate to ask questions (don't have a clue what I am doing at work? For years, I used to quietly just try to figure it out).

Ironically my mum's conversational technique consists of a barrage of questions, without her listening to the answers or responding to any questions back which I think is worse - if someone tells you about their holiday for example, you can just tell them about yours even if they don't ask - if they never say anything apart from asking questions, it gets exhausting.

When I read the OP I immediately thought neurodiversity and/or a lack of interest and/or being self-absorbed, but it's interesting that some people don't ask questions because they think it's not polite, or that they are not getting any practise at conversations when they're kids..