People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

That's different - it's a business relationship. I don't like to chat in those circumstances either.

most dates I’ve been on in last couple years I haven’t wanted a second as the man asked me no questions

No, it’s not. It’s how conversation works! It’s how you show interest in another person!

I don’t mean you have to ask who you vote for or how much you earn, but there are thousands of acceptable non-intrusive questions you can ask to find out more about someone…

I think im like this and it’s because I don’t care what the answer will be tbh. Seems a waste of time to ask questions with the answers having no impact on my life.

So when you talk to someone you broadcast at them then leave! Without asking them how they are or anything about their own lives! Wow. Do you have any friends?!

What a narrow way to live

My mother made a conscious effort to teach us social skills. She pointed out to us as primary aged kids when people just talked about themselves and taught us how to have a proper conversation. She is still literally the most popular person I know. When she retired they had to book a hall and it was packed. She has actual friends my age.

Why is it narrow?

Most people aren’t all that interesting, let’s be honest 😂

I totally and utterly disagree. I spend my life talking to clients and pretty much everyone is interesting and complex. So in your friendships you just talk about yourself? You don’t ask friends or people you talk to about their lives?

The sad thing is that there are posters proud of being rude. And, yes, just talking about yourself and not involving other person is rude, no matter what the conditions you say you have that in your opinion excuse this.

Simply broadcasting at people, and trumpeting that the other person is uninteresting - well, great. You leave the other person feeling cross, or totally unseen, whilst you sail away on your superior cloud of “This is me!”

Of course we talk about our lives - I just tend to think that people’s jobs, children etc. aren’t the most interesting thing about them 🤷‍♀️

And people who ask a lot of questions often come across as rude to us. It’s just a different view of the world, that’s all.

Currently trying to coax autistic child to do this as if someone asks how they are there’s no follow up question from her, she has very low self esteem, and she really struggles to make friends. I keep telling her. People love to talk about themselves, even a simple question or comment of something nice about them makes them feel you are interested in them

How sustainable is the one sided approach?Seems to me that most people will tire of that sort of thing, even find it rude. If you're a person who doesn't take much interest in others but still have a need for others company how can you keep fulfilling the need? Would you just have to keep moving on to new people?

You’re assuming that questions are the only way to avoid a one sided conversation and that’s simply not true. Not everyone bonds in the same way that you do.

It’s very normal for autistic people to bond via shared anecdotes or stories rather than by asking questions.

But they are important to the person you are talking to. Do you not consider it polite to ask someone how their kids are doing, or how their job is going? And do you not ask about other things that you DO find interesting?

This thread has been an absolute eye-opener for me. I thought it was considered basic manners to show interest in the person you are talking to, and the height of rudeness to sit and talk only about yourself, but obviously that is not a universally accepted view.

I didn't mention questions, I mean how does a person who cannot go beyond the one sided approach (just talking about themselves) and not showing interest in others (by whatever means, questions, active listening etc.) keep people around to fulfill their social needs?

I have no idea because I’ve never met anyone who is genuinely like that.

I ask those things because I know it’s expected of me but most of the time I’m not actually interested in the answer. Let’s be honest, most jobs are pretty dull to an outsider and most people aren’t all that interested in what other people’s children are doing at school or in their music lessons.

If I’m out with friends or family we just naturally share what we’ve been up to and what our plans are - none of us really seem to need to be asked questions in order for the conversation to move on. But I would also say many of us are ND in some way so we’re probably not the best example.

I find this really difficult. I know is how conversation flows, but it feels nosy to be asking loads of personal questions.

I don't know where that comes from, but its almost like i dont feel important enough to be asking this stuff, and if they want me to know they'll tell me.

If I’m out with friends or family we just naturally share what we’ve been up to and what our plans are - none of us really seem to need to be asked questions in order for the conversation to move on.

That is exactly as it should work, but I find it extremely hard to believe that people within your family/friends ask zero questions, it most likely just happens as part of the natural conversation flow and you don't notice it, a conversation can only happen if people are interacting with it, other wise it's just one person talking and the others listening, it's highly unlikely that is what is actually happening in your case.

You all sound like you give each other space to talk and show an interest in each other so I'm not sure you've ever experienced what the OP and many people on here are referring to, which is people that like to talk about themselves, their family, their job, and will talk at length, but show no interest in anyone else, and as soon as the conversation moves away from them they will disengage unless you specifically bring them back in somehow. It's easier to deal with in a group, but one on one it's infuriating.

It's no surprise you don't have a clue what OP is talking about if you've never experienced someone like it, but pay attention next time you are with your friends and family and you will notice that asking questions is part of the natural flow of conversation.

We went to see 'x' band last week.
Oh how was it, I've always wanted to go and see them etc
They were great.. etc etc etc

why would you be asking loads of personal questions?

If someone mentions something, would you not think of anything to ask them about it while you're both talking?

If you don't say anything, it's just them talking and you listening surely.. that's not a conversation.

It’s quite arrogant to assume you know more about my friendships than I do, don’t you think?

Of course questions come up occasionally but they’re not how we start or continue conversations.

This. People are making it sound as though we’re talking about cross-examining people with a list of random and invasive questions rather than it being a natural back and forth expressing interest in each other’s lives.

Heres what I mean:

Person A - Hi! How are you?

Person B -Hi! So good to see you. I’m fine, bit knackered, have had a shit week at work.

Person A - Oh no! What’s been going on?

Person B - My boss is being an arse, I’ve got a big deadline looming, it’s just been tiring. How are you, did you go on that date?

Person A - You poor thing, I’m so sorry. Yes I did go on the date! It was great, he seems nice and there was a lot of chemistry.

Person B - Awesome, are you going to see him again then?

Etc etc.