People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

How on earth is that ironic?! We spend a large part of our lives asking non-askers questions that are never reciprocated - this thread is for venting and for having one place and time where we don't have to pretend to be interested in people who show no interest in us! I fully understand why some ND people can't - I'm ND myself and do find conversation and social stuff very hard work but it's one hundred times harder when you're lumbered with someone who will not pulll their weight for any serious amount of time! And so often they have no idea of the impact that has on you (for me I've sometimes had to take a day off work if I've met a non-asker on the train home and they've ambushed me with the expectation of a one sided conversation I haven't been able to get away from after a long day in the office).

Yes, I have conversations with friends and family. However real friendships and relationships have comfortable silences too. If someone feels the need to talk non stop and expects the same from you, it can feel like too much. We are only hearing one side of the story, so this could be a consideration.

I'm not talking about the people I'm talking to. They don't even know.

I'm talking about some of the more sanctimonious posters on this thread. I would like them to consider that their unthinking assumption that their way is the only acceptable and unselfish way to interact may in reality be making a huge demand on someone, and far from that person being selfish, they may be literally burning themself out to be accommodating.

And LOL at the thought that it's somehow extra exhausting for me to recognise that people are hypocritical. It's actually exhausting for me not to, because now the algo has to keep track of their reality as well as real reality.

It’s funny that you are labelling a lot of us as “rude” and “obtuse”, which is kind of how you’re coming across with this response!

I'm talking about the posters on this thread who say they ask questions because they are polite and interested in people but in the next post shut down replies they don't want to hear.

It's ironic isn't it?

They claim to want to talk to people but as soon anyone says anything that doesn't fit with their ideal, they fling out insults 🙄

I think they just disagree with you or else they've already acknowledged that exceptions exist but aren't what they're talking about.

I wonder if one of the reasons for finding questions risky is that those of us who were the weird kids usually found our answers just betrayed our weirdness or created a gap.

For example if someone asks "what TV do you watch?" and you don't watch TV, I'm sorry but my experience is that the asker often feels judged or sighted or thinks you don't have much in common even though that's not the intention.

So, because our experience of being asked questions is they don't help us connect, we show courtesy to others by allowing people to chose what they want to bring to the conversation.

Ah well, I disagree with you. Exceptions exist but aren't what I'm talking about.

We good then.

I actually think you might be on to something here.

If, in the past, you've been judged or even laughed at or mocked for your answers, why would you want to be open about them in the present or the future? It can be really hard to escape that childhood mentality of "I was laughed at for that once so I won't do it again".

Yes, but kind of the other way round....

"Small talk questions often carry unspoken assumptions about what's normal. To be thoughtful and courteous I'll start by sharing something about me, so the person both knows this is a safe topic for me which they can join in with and also is not being asked to share anything that is not a safe topic for them."

But then that carries its own set of unspoken assumptions about what people find considerate too, does it not? I'm ND and I wouldn't find this any easy conversation style to work with at all and of all the ND people I know personally, I only know one who would respond well to this. I could do a good job of pretending to be comfortable with it as I"m a good masker but inside I'd be screaming! If it works with your friends though then that's great in those contexts!

Im amazed people have such narrow scopes of interest, i find loads of things and people interesting

I agree - and often wondered how people who never ask questions get on when they meet others who don't. Is it just a series of self-statements?
I get so fed up showing an interest in others when it's not reciprocated. Even when you practically feed them information they could ask you!

Sometimes when i am at the hairdresser for a quick trim i do not like the prying questions like
Do you have children, where do you work, where do you live, are you married?
Nosey questions
I prefer to sit in peace

I agree - and often wondered how people who never ask questions get on when they meet others who don't. Is it just a series of self-statements

No. Questions come up naturally as part of the conversation, they're just not the opening gambit.

Yes, this

But the point is that they didn't for the person in the example commented on nor the people we're discussing in this thread - even when people are feeding them information to make it easy for them.

I think I read that it's called consecutive monologuing - I do know a few people who communicate like this and if it works for them when they're together then fair enough.

The thread has moved on a lot in the 6 pages since the OP.

But the person who commented was quoting a poster who was describing someone who talked for half an hour about herself without asking the PP anything. Which is more or less exactly the same situation the OP described albeit of shorter duration. And the comment they made specifically references people who "never ask questions". If you've moved on to something else that's one thing but most of us haven't and are still discussing the same topic as was originally brought up.

Do you remember what the episode was called? I'd really like to listen to it! I've read a lot about the mechanics of conversation and "emotion work" and you're right that it does fall more to women - there's loads of research on it. Although I have plenty of females in my life who are similar to your FIL (I've ditched most of the men - they were worse in most cases!).

I've been in a couple of group situations since reading this thread and I've been observing. Questions actually don't seem to be the primary form of conversation starting. About 70-80% of the time, people are going back and forth sharing experiences, anecdotes or opinions related to what somebody else has just said. Some of this involved questions, but a fair bit involved people just sharing their own experience/opinion.

Some conversations started by a person having a thought and remembering something they wanted to share with the group and spontaneously beginning to talk about that topic, usually when there was a natural lull in conversation.

I would say that questions came up typically either when there was a lull in conversation and nobody did the spontaneous sharing thing, or shortly after someone joined the table, ie rather than a more generic "How are you?" it would be "How was your trip?" The questions mainly related to things which had obviously previously been discussed or anticipated, even if I hadn't been present for the earlier conversation it was completely clear that was what the context was.

Different groups have very different dynamics I suppose. Sometimes people will be happy with those dynamics and sometimes people will be left feeling deflated or exhausted by them. I suppose the reason why the group exists will partly determine the dynamic and you won't always know how other people feel - even when people are ostensibly there by choice. I certainly have groups where I know certain members feel unseen and unheard and thoroughly resentful of other members who remain totally oblivious.

I have worked with people like this is like they are not interested in you or your life.