People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

I think it’s all sorts who don’t ask questions. It’s not the questions exactly, it’s the lack of listening or engaging too.

For example I could say, “How is your dd’s gap year going?” and I hear all about it. Then I might say, “My dd has just set off too.” Silence. Tumbleweed rolls across. I would probably then turn the conversation back to them to avoid the awkwardness but it’s flippin’ annoying!

This is one of the problems though I think.

To me the better way would be, 'she's had a couple of issues, but I'd rather not discuss as they are hers and she wouldn't want me to talking about her' most people are sensible enough to pick up on the fact that you don't want them probing too much.

OR just ignore her issues completely, and talk about anything else positive in relation to her 'She'd doing great in this etc' or 'she's been here lately and done this etc' or 'she's been thinking about what to do in the future etc'

'fine' is such a conversation killer, which makes it sound like you can't discuss ANYTHING about your daughter, but then you don't bother asking about their kids either in case they circle back to yours!.. you could literally be my sibling, it's such hard work navigating what you can actually talk about and when they don't ask you anything either it's bloody hard.. if you just start chatting shit about your kids you get nothing back.. so that is a topic completely off the table.. and it is a massive part of your life.

How's DH? 'fine'
How's the kids? 'fine'
Work okay? 'fine'
Been up to much lately? 'not really'
.. sit's in silence, not asking anything in return..

And she's the one that's come round "for a chat"!!

I much rather close family members say they don't want to talk about something, or avoid that particular thing than pretend everything is 'fine' and shut the conversation down, it's the reason I am really close to one sibling and not the other.. we don't tell each other everything, but there's no pretence that everything is fine when it is clearly not.

I have a friend who, when with her husband. Is like this. So at a Christmas meal my husband asks then what are you doing for Christmas- nothing. But you are doing something you are having a quiet Christmas with the two of you and your children , can you not say that? It’s just the back and forth of conversation . He tries one more question then gives up. which is two more than I tried on that occasion.

I think it is practice though and the acknowledgment that you pull your weight in a conversation, perhaps made easier by me having endured business where I am between people I have never met before and you have to both help the conversation and joining meetings with colleagues all around the world .

Yes you can surely say to someone you know do you mind if we don’t talk about that or, bit of a nightmare but I’ll not bore you with the details.

This thread really shows how quick people are to assume the worst - someone can’t possibly be ND, or painfully shy, or socially awkward - they’re written off as rude or selfish or ignorant instead.

I don't think it's necessarily a judgement, you can't help but have a preference for the sort of company that works best for you.

You can have a preference without referring to everyone who doesn’t fit in with that as rude or whatever though.

You're allowed to find behaviours rude or difficult to deal with yourself though.

Not really, people who yammer on about themselves at the slightest prompt, telling you everything there is to know about their lives, their family, their jobs, their pets, but who don't ask a single thing in return, and in fact act disengaged if you try and talk about yourself in any way.. are NOT painfully shy or socially awkward (I couldn't say about ND).

I can tell straight away if people are shy or socially awkward, we have a few in the family, for those people I don't mind leading the conversation more, giving prompts here and there so they don't find themselves in the awkward silence mode that really hinders their confidence and makes them withdraw.

It's the people that just love to talk about themselves and can't even feign being interested in other people I have issue with.

Well it’s all about the question and the context. For example if someone I knew had been unwell I may ask “how they are going since coming home from hospital?”a bit vague and open ended but not like “is the catheter coming out soon”. Hypothetically if f I don’t ask then I know they need a casserole dropped around. People would never ask for something like that out of the blue. Plus if they are feeling better I want to know that. If they don’t want to go into detail they could just say “fine thanks”. I think a lot of posters are focusing on extreme questions not what people typically ask. It isn’t the Spanish Inquisition.

I am seeing the opposite. The assumption it’s not rude.

Yes exactly. It’s frustrating that people are not allowed to be rude, boorish show-offs etc any more. It has to be ND. Some people are just dreadful self-obsessed bores, and not autistic at all.

I'm certainly appreciating the irony of the people who think it's rude not to ask questions having no interest in asking questions of the people who don't 😂

Emma Barnett did a brilliant piece on this on Woman’s hour. How keeping the social
wheels turning is effort and it can be gendered ie women are expected to do it more. She decided if she wasn’t getting it back she wasn’t going to bother.

Fil sits like a silent lump at every occasion. We met up with their family and I was exhausted absolutely spent after an incredibly busy time. So I thought right this time I am just going to mirror fil. This isn’t even my family. Oh no that wasn’t acceptable at all! Lots of “are you oks” and clear disappointment that I wasn’t “carrying” the conversation like I usually do. Eye opening.

Hallelujah!

No one here is castigating shy or socially-awkward people. No one is in the habit of wading in with intrusive personal questions.

The criticism is of those who are actually happy to be fed questions, and quite content to regale you with their life and times, but never ask a thing back or respond to anything you say.

It seems as if a great many people believe they’re on Michael Parkinson/Graham Norton and are delighted to bask in your rapt interest.

Sorry no time to read the whole thread, so this may have been pointed out already. It is tangential to the main topic.

What you describe is a classic autistic method of communication. If he is autistic, he is not "making it all about himself". He is showing that he has listened to the speaker, understood the anecdote, related it to his own experience, and is describing his experience to communicate that he understands. It is his way of showing empathy.

Of course, if he is not autistic then he may just be a narcissistic arsehole.

But it is not always easy to tell who is autistic with adults as they can be very good at masking at work, so unless there is other evidence of him being an arsehole, I would err on the side of caution and assume neurodiversity.

I seem to be a beacon to these types; probably because I'm a people pleaser who was raised to believe it's rude not to listen and take an interest in other's lives. Unfortunately, I've endured one sided friendships for far too long based on this default. A family friend visited recently and she literally did not stop talking, all about herself of course, without asking one question about me. I'd try and interject to tell her, rather than waiting to be asked, but it fell on deaf ears or she'd end up making it all about her again - i.e I was waiting for important test results, but this morphed into her monologue about her recent experience at a&e! By day 7 I was utterly wrung out and exhausted and honestly, more than a little pissed off and it definitely showed. It's the complete lack of self awareness, that does for me. How can you be so uninterested in a friends life? On the other hand, she does have kind qualities and will be the first to offer use of her holiday home or cook you a lovely meal or drive you to the airport. A listener, she is not, but the ' doing' actions she's great at. I think she just lacks social skills, is possibly nd or gets overly nervous in company, and has never learnt the art of conversation. On reflection, the majority of her family are made this way. As for others, who neither reciprocate with active listening skills OR show up for friendship in other ways, I've let them go. They can go talk at somebody else!

I felt second hand anger just reading that! That’s exactly it. Sorry but they are not all autistic! Most are common or garden ill mannered self absorbed twats.

Yes, this compounds the issue raised by OP - when people only talk about themselves. I have friend who talks solidly when we meet up. I interject with the occasional sentence about me (I’m not asked - I just try and wedge it in). It’s totally draining. She’s always the one trying to meet up and I delay as much as possible. It’s sad as she won’t realise she is like this and I’m sure others must feel the same. We meet so rarely, that I would be very hard for me to raise it.

It’s odd when people don’t ask these types of questions in my opinion. Asking how your piles or warts are is too intrusive. But asking how someone is following surgery is polite, caring and normal.

Everyone is different, some people are more confident talking than others. I take few children every week to training, during the car journey one will talk hind legs off a donkey, another will sit in complete silence unless I instigate a conversation, in which case they will have conversation, I think it's just example of shyness.

Well firstly, if you start all your conversations by just sitting down next to someone and said "hello Tom nice to see you, I went on a lovely ride yesterday" that is quite odd. Usually a conversation with start with a "how are you/what have you been up to?" initial foray.

You're then suggestung that at no point in this conversation would either of you say anything like "where is that exactly?" "Did (partner) go with you?" "How long was the route?" "Was it busy/steep/muddy/hot?" "Sounds lovely perhaps I'll go on the weekend, do you think it would be suitable for the kids?" "what was parking like?" "What bike are you riding these days?" Etc.

Just series of you both alternating surface level anecdotes at each other but not actually asking anything specific about or engaging with what the other person had said. Okay.... 👍

😂 my in laws are like this. I put it down to them not giving a shit about anyone. If you are truly engaged in a normal conversation you will ask questions. No idea where it comes from my DH isn't like it.

This is an interesting thread. I suspect that soft skills like these (the ability to make conversation, to listen and ask appropriate questions) will become more of a differentiator for young people. I know a few who are starting to fret about the rise of AI and whether there will be graduate jobs for them. So many hate using the telephone as a phone and are appalled when I suggest that they call, rather than text.

A few years ago there was some article about charm and how employers were more likely to take on a young person who was charming, even if they weren’t the highest achieving. There were some quotes from a girls’ day school in London who were doing courses in being personable. And there was some outrage that this was so.

I can understand it though. When I’ve interviewed a young adult, the ones I’ve liked the most are those who could comfortably have a brief, appropriate chat in the lift with the head of HR, even if they didn’t know them. This includes sometimes asking questions.

The trouble is, anything that requires a diagnosis is, by definition, going to have its downsides.

Yours might be that general discourse is difficult and exhausting, which is really unwelcome for you, but the result of that is that other people will find you difficult and exhausting. That's just a sad fact.

These days, with awareness of the autism spectrum growing, I hope things will get easier for people affected by it, but to get annoyed with people stating how difficult they find it sounds additionally exhausting for you.

Do what you can, but at some point it makes sense to accept that this is an area you struggle with and the very reason for it being a struggle is that other people will react accordingly. It's not their fault and it's not selfish.