People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

Just like my MIL was. I used to find it strange

Fil switches between Storyteller and interview mode
SIl is just a storyteller
MIL is strangled by insecurity, she will speak well prepared 'bon mots' but isn't quick witted enough for a conversation.
BIL has interestingly worked very hard in therapy and self reflection and now includes learnt cues, he tries bloody hard and I love him for that although he is still rubbish.
The in-laws aunt and uncle's families aren't like that at all. It's all chat, chat, chat. Not hard work and really balanced.
There was another in-law uncle and he had a similar up his arse stick and no wider interest in others. If you got him on train timetables, that was his passion. At work I value specialized interests, it's work but in my family life it's just rude.

I have said to my DDs to clock the future in-laws social skills, fuck I have suffered too long with my in-laws. I caught DH young so have to a point moulded him but it's still hard when around his family particularly with senior ill health requiring support.

I’m not sure why everyone on this thread seems to be afraid of ‘prying’. My best mates tell me the most sordid and detailed information about their lives without even being asked 😂 My sister video calls me from the bath fgs. I have about 10
good friends and I know every diagnosis, issue with sex life, addiction, mental health worry, bad night out story they have…

Do other people just not know their friends and family deeply and stick to the surface?

Then why hang out with OP at all if they have no interest in speaking with her or in her life?

Recently, I wanted to go to a local exercise class. But then I realized the instructor was a woman I had previously met at a local park while with our children. After half an hour, there was nothing I didn’t know about both her children: their full names, weights at birth, where they went to school, etc etc. She didn’t ask a single question about my own little girl, who was playing beautifully with her kids.

Of course, I don’t expect anyone to have any real interest in me or my children. But if someone has listened politely while you talk at length about yours, it is nice to exhibit just a token interest, just to show you’re not bored to tears simply by the sight of them. I didn’t book her classes because she pissed me off. Ha! Really cut off my nose to spite my face. That’ll show her! 😆

I enjoy asking questions. I find people endlessly fascinating. People are full of surprises. It must be pretty dull to have no interest in others.

Certain family members ask questions I don't want to answer and so I don't ask that type of question of them if yiu get my drift. As an example, my dd as a teen was having a tough time for various reasons and if asked how the kids were getting on I would just say fine. Dd would have been mortified for me to mention her issues. I would then consider whether me asking questions about their dc, would encourage a deeper delve into my children's lives. I know it sounds odd to modt, but not everyone had great lives, not awful but things they don't really want to share so they keep details brief and don't keep the topic going by shutting the conversation down. Family or not, I suppose it doesn't give us the right to know everything about ease others lives.

I have a casual acquaintance like that. I like her but I know everything about her life - her family, their jobs, her neighbours, her friendship groups, her holidays, etc, etc - because that is the sole topic of our conversations. If I interject with any news I may have, she totally ignores it makes no discernible response. As she is only a casual friend, it is OK, but I couldn't see a person like that as a real friend. It is very odd not to be interested in anybody but yourself. Most people want to have a conversation which involves genuine interest in the other person and some sort of exchange of information.

In the example the OP gives, I think it is very strange that her guests appear to show no interest whatsoever in their hosts' lives and what has transpired in the intervening years. I would start to find this lack of interest a bit irritating but as, in other respects, her guests are thoughtful and helpful I think I would console myself with that.

This is just one of the several conversational styles I use.

I'm NT (although I have a thing about textures: some I can't even look at, let alone touch, but others I can't walk past without touching).

Because not everyone rude is ND. And I know my close family.

It’s called having a conversation and most people start off a conversation by asking a question. It’s only rude if the questions are inappropriate and probing but talking about your day to day life is not rude!!!

Many NT people do too. The issue is when it’s unbalanced - e.g. talking over the person while they’re sharing their story, or playing it as one up manship. Or ignoring obvious current issues the person you were talking with is signposting in the here and now while you talk about something in the the past.

Good conversational skills require mastering a variety of approaches and applying them appropriately. It takes practice but can be learnt by pretty much everyone even if it’s harder for some of us.

Incidentally, what was the dynamic like between them growing up OP? And what are their parents like? Sorry if you've mentioned this but even though I have RTFT I've forgotten who's said what and can't search the whole thing now,You wonder how one sibling learnt this and the other one didn't, although I have the same in my own extended family.

How are you?
How's the family?
Have you seen so and so lately?
Where did you get your dress?
Are you watching ----- on TV?
Surely these are the sort of questions you ask people who you know when chatting 🤷‍♀️ None intrusive, just showing interest in some ones life.
!In other words, communicating

I get this, and of course I’m not implying that I have the right to know everything about everyone. I don’t ask intrusive questions, just general questions to guide the conversation. And if someone doesn’t want to talk about a particular thing, then of course I move on. Appreciate not everyone wants to talk about their lives, but surely questions like ‘have you watched anything interesting recently’, ‘have you read any good books’ etc should be ok?

Asking someone questions eg,what there're doing for Christmas, have they ever been to Spain, is not prying!

I find it shocking that some people are so utterly IGNORANT that they only talk about themselves.
They are rude .

I've watched a group of people take it in turns to talk about themselves and not acknowledge what someone else has said, let alone ask questions.

Our late Queen was famous for asking "what's keeping you busy? "

Does anyone have a suggestions how to socialise with these bores?

There’s some serious paranoia going on if “did you have a nice Christmas?” Or “how was Derbyshire “ are seen as outrageous intrusive questions 🙄 unless you are a spy or on the run I guess.

I hate this, when you leave a conversation knowing everything about the other person and you’re thinking, ‘ I’m fine, thanks for asking’! So rude. I just don’t bother again.

I think I'd have to try and reframe it in my mind as me doing them a favour now and then, even if I don't get it they must be getting something out of doing this. To me it's not socialising because socialising for me has to be reciprocal and you're not getting anything back.

It's also fine to take a step back if you don't want to do this.

I totally agree - it drives me mad. So many people are like this. I think it might be a lack of social skills. Consequently conversation is limited and quite frankly boring. Whenever I meet up with people I think about their Iives and what's happening for them so that I can ask about them but that's never returned.

Totally agree. I only mix with people who show some degree of interest. I get sick of listening to others go on and on about their lives and never pausing for breath to ask about my life!

Totally agree. I only mix with people who show some degree of interest. I get sick of listening to others go on and on about their lives and never pausing for breath to ask about my life!

I've trained myself to do this stuff relatively well, but what the "convrsation has to be done my way or the highway, and anyone different is just fucking rude" posters don't understand is 1) it's fucking exhausting, and 2) if I'm doing a sparkling interested in you thing, you aren't talking to me at all. You are talking to my small talk algo.

The algo is handling the "here's an interesting but neutral question, now they've said X so ask about Y" part while I'm somewhere behind and all my attention is on arranging my face in the right expression, doing the right amount of eye contact, remembering facts you told me last time so I don't ask the same questions this time.

It's fun and I enjoy making the connection, but it's fun like, say, a game of high end football is fun, where what you are enjoying is your ability to predict next moves, react fast and play the game rather than having a laugh with your team, and even if you are excellent at it maintaining that focus at speed for hours at a time will utterly drain you.

If I have a day with a lot of this I will come home absolutely, brain dead shattered.

I do it because people are important and I do value them, but the aim is to get away from "I ask a thing, you ask a thing" and into "hey I read/saw/heard a thing I think will interest you" and "how's it going with that thing I know is important to you right now?"

So, when you get high and mighty about people being selfish for doing social chit chat the "wrong" way, remember what you are really asking is that they bend themselves out of shape to be a shape that you personally find more pleasing. Kind of selfish there as well, no?

That’s weird cause if it’s a class thing, I’ve definitely noticed it’s more the working class who never ask questions!

I find this soooo strange too! A mum friend is the same, and a former colleague I stopped seeing for this very reason. It actually becomes quite tiring trying to keep conversations going when it’s so one sided. The last time I saw said colleague, I decided to stop asking any questions and it was mega awkward as most of the time we sat in silence

Why would that be weird? "Class thing" means it's to do with your class.

It 100% makes sense to me why it would be upper working class and lower middle class who don't want to pry. We are the "keeping up appearances" classes. Asking a personal (as in family, home, car, holidays) question, even one that seems innocuous, might put the other person in the position of either having to admit to something they feel reflects badly on them (probably to do with less money or achievement than they think is expected of them) or having to be less than truthful.