People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

Immediately thought of this 😅
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My fault I began typing this reply two days ago, but didn't post till the thread was 18 pages long! Lol

I do get the fear of being isolated longer term and the effects on mental health as a huge motivation.

I really get frustrated with folk like this. It makes their company so difficult to be around

I would rather somebody told me they don’t want me to chat to them rather than me making an effort and wasting energy.

And the people in my family who do this are not ND. They are just self-absorbed and rude people. Droning on and showing off about their kids, with no interest in anyone else.

It's rude af and anyone who says otherwise usually has terrible social skills.

When I was single I went on a date with a guy like this. Honestly I could tell you everything about his life, his past, his family, even what his mum and stepdad drove 😂

After the date he messaged saying he'd had a great time (I'm sure he did, I was basically a soundboard for him for an hour and a half!)

I replied saying I'd go on another date with him if he could tell me what I did for a job or where I lived.

He replied 'You got me there haha'.

Threw that one back. Grim.

Imagine if someone posted on here that they tried to make conversation at a wedding (or whatever) and said they were told "I don't want you to talk to me".

The thread would be FULL of reassurances about how they'd done nothing wrong and how the other person was rude, a dick, had no manners, shouldn't have been there in the first place etc.

If you feel as though you're wasting your time/energy talking to someone then there's nothing stopping you from making an exit and talking to someone else.

Also, how do you know they're not ND? Not being argumentative, but many people aren't diagnosed until later in life, particularly women and those who are relatively high masking.

Maybe they experience those situations differently to you, in a way you can't imagine, or maybe they hate every minute of it.

In my experience (may not work for you) you can exercise making conversation like a muscle. The more you do it the less effort it takes and the better you get at it.

To me the whole purpose of it is the back and forth of an interaction. Otherwise I'd be happier with something like a podcast.

No we are actually all the opposite… we are pretty introverted. They are the big talkers and are very happy to share stuff about their lives in a lot of detail. Which is why I then find it very odd that they don’t ask questions. If they were shy I would understand. Maybe undiagnosed ND? Or just the way they were brought up

Unfortunately that doesn't work for me. I can manage well enough for short periods, but I need a massive rest afterwards. Whenever I've had to do it regularly (as in, for work) I've ended up medicated and in autistic burnout.

neurodivergent people don’t really ask questions just to make conversation. I certainly prefer a yo-yo-ing of sharing your own experiences. I always feel like if someone wanted to tell me something then they would share it

neurodivergent people don’t really ask questions just to make conversation. I certainly prefer a yo-yo-ing of sharing your own experiences. I always feel like if someone wanted to tell me something then they would share it

Yep - many autistic people share their own similar experiences as they feel it's a good way of bonding. They don't mean to make things all about them, it's their way of saying "I know how you feel".

Your purpose isn't necessarily the same as someone elses

I guess some folk must like having a physical body for a sounding board.

Many ND people use shared experiences as a way of bonding - so if you talk about (for example) a disastrous train journey, their way of empathising with you is tell you about a time they had a similarly awful journey.

It's not that they're ignoring you or aren't interested in your experience, they're trying to show you that they know how you feel.

To me that's an interaction, I think a group discussion comparing similar stories can be fun. I'm talking more about people that just talk at you and don't let you get a word in edgeway. That makes me feel like I'm just a dustbin for their verbal output.

It’s their inability to hold a conversation.

My aunt was visiting our extended family and she asked my cousin who did her hair. She snapped back ‘why’ at my aunt. All my aunt was trying to do was make conversation, as the other cousin spent their visit laying on the lounge, not even getting up to greet the visiting family or join them at the lunch table.

their mother sat in another room, so you know where that came from, and aunt couldn’t wait to get out of there.

they had been invited by the brother, so it wasn’t like they just rocked up.

Thank you 😊 It has been a whole lot of faith that has kept me sober thus far and the sheer fact that I no longer want to keep embarrassing myself 🫣

I don’t really ask questions, a few people have pulled me up on it. I don’t do general chit chat, maybe because I am autistic and ADHD, I find general chit chat boring and forced, I also hate people asking me questions as it leads me to over share (I tell it how it is). I can hold a conversation when I need to but I find asking questions about things I am not that interested in really hard. Maybe they are just not interested in where you have been on holiday or how high up you are at work?

My husband's family is like this and I really hate it. It's so rude. I'm interested in my friends / family. I want to know what's happening in their lives, are they happy / struggling, I want to share their highs and be there for their lows. I back off immediately from anyone who doesn't ask questions / show interest in my life. It's not the kind of friendship I want. With the in-laws I have accepted it and don't make as much effort with them anymore, I'm just neutral. They're not bad people but it drives me nuts.

My mum is like this. She’s 90 but was the same when she was younger. She definitely wouldn’t ask because she says it’s not her business and it’s rude and nosy to ask. She says if someone wants to tell her things, they should say. I do find it very odd. Even when her best friend of 60 years was dying, she didn’t like to ask what was wrong with her.

Can I ask: do you have occasions in your life where people speak to you, or with you? If perhaps you find talking is only ever done AT you, could the problem possibly be at your end?