People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

I guess for me, jobs and kids are just not very interesting to talk about, in the majority of cases.

Some people just don’t ask questions. About anything. I find it very one dimensional.

But if the kids are your grandchildren, nieces, nephews etc, wouldn’t you want to know how they are doing? I guess that’s what I find odd… but maybe you are right, and people are just not interested. I do find that a little sad though …

One time in that situation I noticed that the ladies' loo had a very comfy sofa...!

I don't have kids, grand-kids, nieces or nephews so maybe I'm not the best person to ask.

Asking questions and making small talk is something I really struggle with - it’s not a skill that everyone has. I’ll spend ages in silence thinking about things I could ask and then dismiss them for being boring/stupid. I’d love to just be able to think of questions on the spot! It may be that a lot of people are rude or uninterested, but for others it may be that they have never learnt the art of small talk.

I always used to feel like this with my late MIL . She never asked questions about her grandchildren so never really knew them as well as my own DM . Even things like when they had got their exam results she wouldn't ask how they had done. I used to think she wasn't that interested in us. I did find her a bit difficult and she probably thought I was too nosey or something. Trying to make conversation with her and asking a further question about something she'd said was often met with quite a rude reply ' I don't know I didn't ask any questions ' .

Agree OP. Reciprocating and asking appropriate questions is a normal social skill. Some people really don’t have this.

We had some cousins visit and by the end we knew absolutely everything about them their children, all their achievements etc but they did not ask one thing about us. We are not people who rabbit on about ourselves, but it is just the natural flow of conversation.

People don’t realise how lacking in social skills they are. They can be very dull company.

Why does everyone have to fit into your ideals?

They don't. But there are benefits to fitting into society.

Maybe they’re quiet

Of course, but people will find them stand-offish and some will think it's rude.

lots of intrusive questions

Again with the same exaggeration: nobody has advocated "lots" of questions. Like so many others on this thread you've added that to strengthen your point.

intrusive questions

Ditto. So many have explained that they are not suggesting "intrusive" or "personal" questions.

talked at all the time

That is not what people mean. You (and so many others here) are deliberately taking accepted friendly, engaged conversation and extrapolating it to ridiculous extremes, which anyone in their right mind would find annoying. You are all being obtuse.

Quite a few posters have said they are ND and find conversing difficult but wish they didn't, but the majority of anti-questioners sound either superior, anti-social, inept, rude and hostile. Which is fine by me if you're happy with it.

People don’t realise how lacking in social skills they are. They can be very dull company.

Quite a few posters have said they are ND and find conversing difficult but wish they didn't, but the majority of anti-questioners sound either superior, anti-social, inept, rude and hostile. Which is fine by me if you're happy with it.

I've just quoted both of you as you've both said similar things.

I've struggled socially all my life - but I was only diagnosed with autism last year at the age of 36. If you'd asked me even five years ago, the idea that I might be ND or autistic wouldn't even have crossed my mind, even though I've often been told I appear rude, condescending, stand-offish and odd.

I have friends in their 50s who have recent diagnoses. It has been a relief to finally have an explanation for why they've struggled with social situations for as long as they can remember.

I'll always try to be mindful of these things with people I don't know and try to find ways to make them feel part of a group without putting any pressure on them, or if it's one-to-one I'll dial it down considerably and loosen up on the eye contact.

If they're not ND after all, I haven't lost anything by making allowances.

The people I have worked with with autism who have really worked on their social skills, have told me that it has really reaped rewards. Maybe not everybody can do that.

If you aren’t able to make any kind of reciprocal chat with the person next to you, then I don’t understand why people would attend weddings, or visit family and friends. If you are just going to talk about yourself and your own interests, and not engage with the hosts, then it is rude behaviour which makes others uncomfortable.

Exactly. But why they then actively seek out social situations is bizarre.

I can actually make conversation in a relatively "normal" way if I try, but I find it incredibly exhausting to the point of feeling physically sick afterwards. I have actually gone home with a migraine and thrown up because of it.

Unfortunately just "opting out" isn't always an option (another societal expectation is that you have to attend this stuff), and it's not always possible to mask constantly.

It's interesting that you don't like being made to feel uncomfortable but you ignore the fact that that's how people with autism feel every single day.

Because consistently refusing to attend social functions is also seen as rude - we can't win.

I suppose I wonder what a non-reciprocal person even gets out of social situations.

Because it can be nice to feel "normal". It can be nice to be around other people even if we struggle to connect with them. I also know that I refuse every single invitation to everything, I'll soon stop being asked, and that's not a nice feeling either, even if I do struggle when I'm there.

As a child who was painfully shy, I still am to a degree! I find it very difficult starting and maintaining conversation. I have to feel comfortable around people or i will struggle to socialise.
As a child I wasn't really encouraged to talk either. It was a case of children should be seen and not heard. Latch key kids bringing ourselves up mainly.

This has had quite a detrimental effect and as a result of being socially awkward/nervous I'd stumble over words and get very embarrassed and go quiet internalising how pathetic I am. Conversation does not come easy to me.

Its when I found that alcohol took the edge off and gave me false confidence things started going really down hill as I would drink and drink until I felt confident. This has ended in me being dependent on alcohol and needing help. I am currently 2 years sober but the downside to that is I have hardly any friends and people now think I am boring.

I'm trying so hard to work on this but it isnt easy and I feel like a robot, then I start ovethinking and internalising. Its so difficult as I want so badly to be naturally confident and talk to others and see about their lives but there's an invisible force field working against me which is hard to shift!

Not all peopke are rude! Some people genuinely do car and wantvto know, there are things going on in the background that stop them! The term dont judge a book by its cover springs to mind here 😅

But then there will be people out there that genuinely dont care or maybe don't enjoy the company?

Who knows, it takes all kinds of people to makebup this world 🥰🤩😆

It's interesting that you don't like being made to feel uncomfortable but you ignore the fact that that's how people with autism feel every single day.

@jamandcustard It's a sad reality that feeling uncomfortable is a huge aspect of being on the whole ND spectrum. I genuinely wish it weren't.

But we're talking about conditions that get "diagnosed" which by definition carries negative effects.

I sincerely hope the world is becoming more aware and tolerant of the issues you describe, but I don't think NT need to suffer equally.

Some people are blind, which is really hard to deal with, but everyone else doesn't need to live with their eyes shut.

I'm not saying anyone should suffer, but it would just be nice if they were a bit more open to understanding, and not so quick to label people "odd" "rude" "weird" etc.

That's interesting, good to hear other perspectives.

I think I can be quite avoidant of people that I don't connect well with though I think working on social skills can help with that. My struggle is non-verbal communication, I can't always tell the difference between someone who is just quiet due to something like shyness and someone trying to give me the brush off. Personally I prefer being alone to being in uncomfortable company.

Congratulations on 2 years sobriety! I'm in Alcoholics Anonymous and the number of people who tell this exact story might be really comforting to you. If you want to find people who will instinctively understand you, AA will be a very rich seam indeed 🤗

So do I, generally speaking, but I'm also painfully aware that if I choose to be alone too much, I will end up isolated and in the long-run my mental health will suffer, so I force myself to do the "right" thing and say yes to a certain amount of invites etc - it's sort of a way to invest in my future.

I am perfectly happy in my own company and could quite happily go weeks without choosing to socialise for any extended period of time - but I know that I do still need people in my life for various reasons, so I have to invest in that, even if I find it really bloody difficult.

Perhaps you wang on about yourselves so much that there are no points left to clarify?

Is either of you a domineering personality, a big talker?

I have been in situations where the host just won't leave me in peace to rest, process etc- it was an unrelenting monologue from the moment I arrived!

Who's that to?

ETA. Oh, it's to OP. Sorry.