People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

I was in a social situation at the weekend, and as I left I realised not a single person had asked how I was. I know plenty of people who have told me in great detail about their own lives over the years but have no idea what I do for a job, for example, and probably never will. I find it breathtakingly rude to show absolutely no interest in other people.

@sophiasnail hard not to read that in a catty way but I'll try and take it constructively as honestly I don't disagree! I have concluded it is most likely a me problem hence trying to learn and adapt :) personal growth and all that! I can't imagine I'll ever not want to show an interest in the lives of people I love though, but learning how those people want to communicate and trying to adapt accordingly is something I'm happy to do. We're all different, so trying to think the best of people and not assume just because someone isn't asking questions it's not because they're rude. Surely they can't all be rude. Much more likely that it's different strokes for different folks. As DH's conversational successes have shown.

What's tricky, especially for those who have had to more actively learn these things, is that it's hard to have written rules. Some people will pull off a social interaction with more charm and grace than another and others are more tolerant of different things. I wouldn't do well with the "if people want to share then they will" approach but that obviously works well for some.

Yes, people seem to be saying "we don't like you, we can't be bothered and we think you're all stupid and dull - ergo, it's not us being rude".

So many posters being obtuse too, by extrapolating "asking questions" to "firing a non-stop barrage of very personal questions eschewing any other style of conversation".

Plus, I highly suspect that those saying that their conversations simply flow without asking questions actually do ask them in the course of chatting, they just happen naturally.

There are some very odd posters on this thread. Hostile really. Foolish us for trying to converse when you’re oh so above silly small talk and exist on a higher plain.

I don’t know how one is supposed to have these deep meaningful interactions without a little banal back and forth in the first place. You can’t plough straight into politics etc - what a minefield!

Perhaps some of these posters are the ones guilty of Radio Mode. They just like to broadcast. No feedback necessary.

I have the opposite problem, people asking more and more intrusive questions, while not replying to any of mine. I think it's just a mismatch of expectations and how you were brought up, there is a middle way but I think you gradually select people who are similar to you in the way they ask and answer. thrown in with strangers can be a bit fraught, there can be lots of sensitive subjects that you don't know about.

Who said anything about “ploughing straight in to politics”?

There are so many things to talk about and bring up that don’t involve having to sit through inane small talk first.

If you're forced to have conversations for some reason (lots of people have to have conversations for work reasons) you get better at it. I think it's largely a matter of practice. If you're an introvert, you can still improve with practice. You learn to ask the right questions and to listen to the answers. It encourages you to become more interested in people. I could probably hold a fairly interesting conversation about a teaspoon.

Why does everyone have to fit into your ideals? Maybe they’re quiet and just don’t want to ask lots of intrusive questions or be talked at all the time.

Quite. There seems to be a bit of a theme whereby anyone who doesn't conform is rude, or odd, or deliberately rejecting people/being unkind.

But what I'm asking is what if you can't physically move on because, say, you're at a wedding and have been sat next to someone for the duration of dinner (an hour or so). You have to find a way to make conversation somehow or sit in silence. Would you just sit in silence?

I wouldn't feel solely responsible for continuing the conversation, no. If I'd made several attempts and the other person wasn't responding, I'd just talk to someone else (it's not like I'd be sat on my own with a stranger). I wouldn't start asking them questions.

If you're forced to talk to someone difficult, most people are interested in themselves and in their own narrow opinions on things, so you just focus on that. You accept that some people have absolutely no interest in anybody else or in anything outside their immediate lives. If that person doesn't want to talk about themselves or their family, about where they live, their work or any interests or holidays, or about where you both are at that moment (eg a wedding), then I suppose you try to maintain a calm silence until you can get away.

Yeah, I think the question itself is innocuous enough and I don't mind being asked it, although I tend to avoid asking others point blank in case it's a sore subject – I usually wait to see if anything about kids comes out in conversation.

I have to say, there have been occasions when I've felt conversational doors closing when I say I haven't got kids. More when I was the age everyone was having them, really (I'm post-menopause now). I used to get a definite vibe of 'well, I won't have anything in common with her, then, will I?' from some women, followed by little or no further attempt to converse, which I always found a bit sad.

What was also annoying is when my replying that I didn't have kids was greeted by some people by a sort of head-tilty gesture and expectant look like I was supposed to go into chapter and verse about why I didn't. Or – even worse – sympathetic looks (unnecessary, as I'm childfree by choice). That kind of thing speaks just as loudly as actual words. One of the few perks of getting older is this kind of thing more or less stopping, although because I look a bit younger than I am I'm still occasionally subjected to 'encouraging' looks paired with the words 'There's still time!' (er, no, there very much isn't, and that's fine by me.🙄)

I don't think the issue is fitting into other people's ideals so much as being decent enough not to make other people feel uncomfortable or as if they're non-entities in their own home. If you've created a lot of work for someone by asking for their hospitality (or accepting their offer) then you have to expect to make a minimum level of effort in return (which to be fair, the guests seem to understand in other ways hence how they're offered to cook, shop, clean etc even if they don't enjoy these things or particularly want to do them).

By not pulling your weight conversationally you're creating a lot of extra work for other people. If you hadn't put yourself in a situation that requires a bit of conversation/interaction in the first place it's totally fair enough to be reluctant to engage but that's not what the OP's guests have done. They've put themselves in a situation that requires quite a lot of social interaction to avoid making others uncomfortable in their own home. And to be fair they seem quite happy to answer questions and talk about themselves. Just not reciprocate the effort of showing interest back.

And when I say "you" I mean the OP's house guests mostly! Not you specifically.

And has been pointed out before, the questions aren't in any way intrusive - just basic showing an interest in others.

My sister in law is like this. A conversation to her is like a presentation; she gives a speech about what she/family has done, we ask questions and she answers. If one of us then says “we went to xxx on Saturday…” she would not ask anything about it. No questions about our health, what the children are doing at school, nothing. I agree OP I think is weired and rude.

My partners Dil and son are like this. Never ever ask anything, only speak about themselves but are as nosey as f#ck to other family members about us, interrogating them about the slightest thing or snippets of gossip, also apparently downplay anything good & are sneery. I suspect they tear us apart in private. I guess they don't need to ask us anything as they've done their homework. Weird.

To be interesting, you've got to be interested

I think I struggle a bit to understand why you'd put yourself into a social situation and not at least try to pull your weight socially. I get that you won't always feel up to socialising but some people seem to willingly put themselves into this position whilst being completely unwilling to make any effort. Obviously people have their reasons but it's not something I can easily relate to.

Ooohhhh they are definitely not quiet!!!

Have you seen all the threads on here from people who don't want to attend XYZ and are guilted into it anyway? I suspect that plays a part for many.

FFS. No it isn't. How else does conversation happen? How else are friends made?

That's the kind of thing my 8 year old nephew says, who isn't yet old enough to grasp nuance.

Interesting to see how people define small talk. For me, small talk is just talking about superficial stuff like the weather, etc, I would never class talking about my life (job, kids, etc) as small talk! But some people here do.

See that chap screams neurodivergent to me. Very typical way to show empathy is to try and relate an experience of your own to show that you understand how the person feels.

When you answer that you don't have kids though, do you ever try to provide a little information about how you feel about the situation to help the person navigate the conversation with consideration? It's hard to respond to a blunt "no I don't have kids" if you don't know if this is something the person is sad about and to what degree - ie would they rather avoid the topic of children at all in every situation (which some people do) which of course will make conversation very difficult for someone whose kids are a big part of their lives. Or are they quite happy to hear about other kids which makes things much easier. I tend to indicate that I don't have kids - that I'm a little sad about it in some ways but it was also to some degree a choice, then I immediately ask about their kids (or if they have any if that hasn't been found out yet) to show I enjoy hearing about other people's families. Maybe they'd prefer a complete change of subject but then if that was the case why didn't they change the subject themselves when it was their turn to talk? It can look quite rude changing the subject after someone's told you that they don't have kds as it can come across as implying that childlessness is so awful and tragic that it must never be acknowledged or spoken about.