People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

I find that fascinating - so if someone commented something about (for example) your dog, or your outfit, but didn't ask a direct question, you would automatically assume they found you dull rather than see it as an attempt at conversation?

There’s a difference between polite conversation between strangers or acquaintances and actually getting to know someone though. Think about your relationship with your best friend or your partner. At some point you shared personal information. And whereas I would agree it’s often offered without asking, at some point, in order to continue the conversation, you have to ask a question.

I mean, yes, of course some questions are necessary at some point, but I think the things people are objecting to on this thread are the kind of dull, superficial questions that people clearly only ask because it's expected of them, rather than because they're actually interested in your response.

I think I'd say some things back about said topic but only so much without further questions or prompting. I think prompting also counts for me.

You can generally tell if someone is painfully shy or very socially awkward.

But it’s also apparent if someone is downright boorish and simply broadcasts with no attempt to involve the other person.

People can dress it up however they like, but that behaviour is rude. I am a friendly and tolerant person, but recently it has been getting to me that I seem to be seen as An Ear.

They're only dull questions if your answer is dull though - surely you try and drop in a few interesting bits of info so the conversation can go somewhere more interesting if you're able to?

I once had a conversation that went something like this:

Me: Where are you from?
Her: Cornwall - I really miss it.
Me: Ah, that's a shame, yes Cornwall is beautiful, I can understand why you miss it. Do you get back there often?
Her: Well, we used to only manage once a year because we couldn't afford it and I always used to dream of being able to afford to go more often, and then we won the lottery and I thought we'd be able to go as often as we wanted which would have been the case had my husband not gone and bought three leopards with some of the money. And now we can't go very often because it's complicated finding someone to watch the leopards (details slightly changed but this was the jist of it..)

This opened up many interesting avenues, about all sorts of things as you can imagine! I looked her up later online and sure enough there was something in the paper about her having won the lottery! Nothing about the leopards but presumably the purchase had been made after the article! She was very happy to talk about all of it though!

Not everyone has won the lottery or bought leopards with the proceeds but most people are able to drop in a few things that make the conversation more interesting, even when the opening gambit is fairly unoriginal.

They are interested in your response and how you use it to move on the conversation .
So in answer to “do you watch the football then?” I could say “No” or I could say “Hardly ever sadly, only really watch around the World Cup so I’m afraid I would just be showing my ignorance of the sport. I’m more of a reader/gardener/holidays/ politics/owning leopards sort of person.”
Can you see the difference- the question is the attempt to find common ground. The first answer says No, Try Again, whereas the second says No, but try these.

Hm, I'm not sure I buy that I'm afraid - at least, not in all cases.

People make small talk because it's the expected thing to do, not because they're actually interested in getting to know you.

I don't buy that people care about my job, or what I did last weekend - but maybe that's because I don't care about those things either.

I have visions of your relatives sitting up in bed at night saying "lovely hosts, but they do ask an awful lot of questions."

I ask personal questions all the time and people just SPILL. Or, at least, real questions about things that matter. I had a woman last week, age 37, telling me that she couldn't decide whether or not to have children, and it was the dilemma and pain of her life. I had met her fifteen minutes earlier. I was a bit surprised! I actually hadn't asked anything specific on that occasion! I also give a lot away myself, which I think encourages sharing.

OK- one more attempt, the function of the question is to open out the conversation and to give you a chance to direct it towards something you do find interesting.

What question would be a good opener for you? What sort of opening gambits do you prefer to use in conversations.

I feel like I'm surrounded by people like this and find it really tough. DH has more luck getting stuff out of people and it flowing into an actual conversation. What I've noticed is he sticks with one topic for a lot longer than I would. So whereas I might say (gonna use very general small talk Q's as an example) 'how's work?', listen to the answer, ask perhaps one or two follow ups based on what they say and then in the next lull say 'did you guys do anything nice over the holidays?', DH will ask more follow ups about work, and fill in with his own related anecdotes etc. Somehow it works 80%+ of the time. People relax, start to open up and the chat becomes more two-way. Honestly I've walked away from chats where I've felt like it was getting blood out of a stone, returned sometime later to find DH fully invested in a deep and meaningful or they're both laughing away.

I still can't seem to manage it though, even when I've tried to adapt, so maybe it's just DH with his charming ways!

I don’t like questions as opening gambits - I’d rather someone made a general comment about something relevant and then we’d go from there.

It’s rude to seem disinterested.

It’s rude.

you sound like hard work

Do you ever open with a comment yourself? What do you do if it's met with a blank stare or just a nod and a "yeah"? I get that if you're at a party and able to move on swiftly, that's one solution but if you're trying to strike up a conversation with a stranger that's been sat beside you at a wedding, I find that things can get very awkward very quickly. Which is why I would usually go for a question with someone you don't know. They have to give some sort of response! But I fully appreciate that the person (who you don't know of course) may have preferred a different kind of opener. I just find them too high risk for awkwardness!

My in-laws never ask me anything about myself/my family/my job… it’s so rude, they just talk about their own lives, their own town, their own neighbours… we could spend 4 days with them whilst visiting and I could leave without sharing one piece of information about myself.

A lot of us just don't like talking for the sake of it. It isn't rude, it is just a different way of existing and extroverts don't get to make the rules. I wonder why some posters are so desperate for other people to pretend they are interested in them? And for people who are "surrounded by people like this" maybe it's a you problem!

We're not all extroverts - many introverts find social interaction much easier when there's an obvious structure and effort from both parties. Obviously though that's only reasonably expected in some situations (like social events or when someone is staying at your house like in the OP - a bit of effort doesn't go amiss in these situations even if you don't like talking for the sake of it - not saying that's you PP).

Wow! The mask really comes off with that comment.

There’s your answer OP, they genuinely don’t care about you, and just wish you would STFU, but still happy to eat the food you prepare.

Taking the view that you can’t be bothered with a social convention does not make it less rude than ignoring it because you didn’t know.
Presumably you are prepared to queue up, use a handkerchief, and wear headphones. Polite talk is like that, not everyone wants to, but as a society we have sort of agree that’s how we do it. Fine, you think it’s stupid, but the reaction from those of is us who do, is the same as for brazen queue jumpers. That’s how rude people see you to be.

It doesn't have anything to do with being introverted or extroverted. There are plenty of introverts that have good social skills and a genuine interest in others and plenty of extraverts without these qualities. I really hoped that we'd moved beyond these stereotypes.

Can you not think of a more imaginative attempt at an insult?

Of course. If it’s met with a blank stare I would assume they’re not interested in talking to me and move on. I’m not that bothered by social interaction in general though!

I’m a very much ‘match the energy’ type of person i work with how people respond to me, some people just chat and it’s easy some people it’s like pulling teeth.