People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

It’s extremely ignorant.
The universe is all about them.

I think it’s just finding a middle ground. I’m not saying all questions are OK. Of course some questions are too personal/ can be offensive. I’m talking about people who ask NO questions about anything, but are very happy to talk about themselves. Specially family / close friends…

I find this more and more - don't know if it's a post-Covid thing or a middle-aged thing but I find myself increasingly in situations where I'm sitting opposite someone just droning on and on and on. I sometimes think to myself "why do they want to see me when they know literally nothing about me?" but I guess the answer is they like someone who just listens and gently nudges them to open up . It just doesn't occur to them to do me the same courtesy!

@ruethewhirl , Two or three years ago I started a new job, and two of us started the same day. One of the first thing we were asked by the manager was 'Do you have children?'.
I can see that it's an icebreaker, but my fellow new starter said 'No'. I was too busy thinking 'Well the manager does from the question but it's not relevant and knowing me I'll say something stupid like 'Just the one?'. '

If you have young children it can be relevant - job flexibilty etc, but it could be seen as intrusive.

How would anybody ever get to know anybody else if everyone in the world followed this rule ?

They'd ask questions that weren't personal, and people would volunteer information they wanted to share.

I don't think I'd be at all inclined to volunteer information to a person that didn't appear to show any sort of polite curiosity towards me. Likewise I wouldn't feel comfortable talking on and on to a person that wasn't responsive in some way. I'd rather record myself on my phone or talk to chatGPT honestly. Human conversation needs reciprocity for me.

They'd just...talk to each other. Comment on the weather, someone's outfit, their hair, their dog, whatever.

I'm really surprised that so many people need to be asked questions in order to start a conversation with another person!

People can show interest in you without asking you a bunch of questions though, surely?

I’m struggling to see how. What would that look like if you met me for the first time at a friends house?

@WhatNoRaisins , there's a difference between personal questions and reciprocity.

Volunteering information might be something like 'Is it ok for me to work 10-6 tomorrow as I have an eye test at 9?'.

Reciprocity might be something like 'We went to Spain on holiday last year. Have you been?'
No, not yet. Did you enjoy it? Where did you go?

I used to be in a book group. There was a woman who came, but never said anything. The rest of us would try to engage her, asking her what she thought about the book and other general small talk questions, but her responses were always short and closed. She seemed to enjoy herself, and kept coming back for months, but just never really joined in.

We gave up trying beyond a “Hello Jane, how are you?” and she would just sit there silently on the sofa, then go home again at the end. She gave me a lift home once - I thought maybe she might find it easier to talk one to one, so tried to chat en route, but she was exactly the same. It was honestly so odd.

@Tpu You ask a question that invites the other person to talk, not barrage them with question after question.

My in laws are like this. Lovely people and great fun but I ask about jobs, kids etc and they never ask after our family or jobs etc. I find it very odd

Well no, if the other person doesn't respond, obviously not?

My SIL is a perfectly nice, kind person. She has no conversational skills AT ALL. She'll answer a direct question briefly and that's it. She doesn't say hello if you come into the house/she comes into the house.

I do find it rude but have given up trying to engage her as it just ends up with me asking lots of questions.

It's like trying to light a fire when the logs are damp.

I'd say something like "Jane tells me you two met at X?" and would expect the conversation to flow naturally from there.

I have no issue with the odd, natural question but when people just bombard me with (what feels like) a generic list of things, it's really off-putting and feels incredibly impersonal.

Personally I wouldn't bother try to maintain a relationship with someone like that, whether they're my in-laws or not.

I think some people are just not able to have small talk

The op hasn't said they are rude, she said the children are lovely and the guests are helpful, cook, etc.

I expect they are having a lovely time and will give profuse thanks when they leave.

shy, autistic, introverted but craving humans presence and general noise of life

I wasn't responding to the situation in the OP.

I don’t know whether we are speaking at cross purposes here.

Yes of course we start an opening bid to get the conversation going and then I would answer in a way that invites further talk that is less small talk. But if you ask. “are you reading anything interesting at the moment?” and I answered “No.” And then you asked “Do you think Trump will take over Greenland?” And I said “I don’t do politics really.” wouldn’t it be fair for the third question to be “Can you go sit in the corner please, you rude woman?”

There is a hard rump of Mumsnetters who spend a lot of time saying how much they loathe Small Talk but seem utterly clueless as to how to move beyond it. Ugh

There also seems to be quite a few MN'ers who can't seem to cope with anyone who does things differently to them.

Some people are also introverted and socially awkward.

not everyone is trying to be rude.

If someone didn't ask me anything I think I would assume that I'm boring them.