People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

Examples of people amd their terrible conservation skills just from today at work:

Colleague: Morning, how are you?
Me: Not too bad, a bit tired. You?
C: Me too.
Me: ...nearly the middle of the week! I'm hoping I'm less tired when these iron tablets kick in. Hopefully the rain will stop too!
C: Launches into a monologue about people I don't know and how long they took iron tablets for and then a rundown of their own health problems.

Colleague: Has DD passed her driving test yet?
Me: No not yet, she's been learning for..... (cut off by another colleague saying something to Colleague 1 completely unrelated)

Personal questions (as in How much do you earn? Are you trying for a baby?) are rude.

I've just started a new project and it's amazing how little energy these people bring to life.
And they are not even happy. There's only a couple that can structure a conversation properly

Me: Starter question
Them: Response with information
Me: Confirm a point and talk back about something related
Them: they expand or ask a question about my related thing.

It's like pulling teeth, I don't want to go back after lunch.

Op didn’t ask why they weren’t asking intrusive questions, she asked why they weren’t asking ANY questions or showing any interest in the lives of the family members they were staying with.

@MarcColon , you don't have to chat with them. On my last project the team was 4 people. A, B, C and me.
I had to make an effort to not chat work with A and C, but if I asked B a question, I'd get 'Can you schedule a meeting for this?'.

Um yes, but it's a quick question and it does not need a meeting, and I don't want to book a slot hours away to ask a team colleague something.

Pulling teeth.

They aren't interested.
Simple as that.

Because they're not interested probably. I think my relatives think I live in a box and only come out of it occasionally.

They do weird things like visit from hours away without telling me and expect me to be in, or phone for a chat at times when most people are out and about, then get narked that I couldn't chat.

As pp, they never ask me about me, just crap questions like 'Have you had a lot of rain?' or something.
Fair enough, I can reply 'Drizzly most days. Has it been bad where you are?' but I know that will be repeated many times as 'Crosta said it hadn't been raining there' in conversations with others. If someone asks them 'What does Crosta do for a living?' they will say something like 'She works in (name of city near where I am) in an office' because they have never bothered to ask me.
(My job title is one that doesn't sound all that interesting)

I am the same, it's like my thought process freezes.
I much prefer when someone just chats away without asking questions
For example someone might tell me they were watching something good, and I might chat about it if I had seen it too, or talk about what Im watching, same with music, books, holidays etc
I find it a bit difficult to come up with questions that don't appear intrusive, and when I'm asked questions I find it a bit like being interviewed!
I much prefer natural flowing conversation, and am ok with comfortable silences

I am exactly the same. The monotony of other people's lives are exceptionally boring to me, however I am aware of the societal expectations to make small talk or fein an interest, so I do. I'll ask Aunty how her holiday was, ask cousin how her exams were, ask friend about how work is etc. I will listen, make all the right sounds, I'll even ask follow-up questions and make you feel like the only person in the world. It's funny because I've been told many times I'm easy to talk to and I'm so friendly and I can make friends very easily etc so I'm clearly doing it right.

But if you asked me to repeat what they said, I wouldn't know because I only keep brain power for the things that interest me. A couple of times that has lead to an embarrassing moment where someone has said "Don't you remember I told you about x" ...and of course I didn't remember.

Once I've done the initial chat, that's when I start to ask the questions that interest me - about current affairs or podcast or TV show and we can have a real chat about a mutual interest which is actually interesting.

I actually prefer small talk now because it's just on the surface, and there's not too much expectation to strike up a full conversation, therefore I don't need to pay much attention.

Yes, I'm exactly the same, down to not remembering any of the details of the everyday things. It's in one ear and out the other, though I'll feign fascination at the time. You tell me about an interesting idea or something cool you heard on a podcast though, and I'll remember it forever.

Well no, of course they don’t identify as that! Doesn’t mean we aren’t though

I dont really ask questions beyond how's it going, etc or unless they are necessary.
Conversation with friends/partner tends to flow without a course needing to be set.

I would just start talking “apropos of nothing” because I don’t need to be prompted in order to talk about things I like and enjoy.

However as I’m not remotely interested in what someone did at work yesterday or the fact that they went to a museum at the weekend, it wouldn’t occur to me to ask - of course if they brought it up, I would listen and be polite, but I’m not going to encourage a conversation about a topic I find dull and pointless.

I have a friend who can be pretty bad at asking questions, I know she’s actually interested in other people’s lives to some extent and sometimes she does ask questions, but other times she seems to get stuck on ‘broadcast’ and I can go a few weeks without her having asked a single thing.
She was brought up being taught asking questions was rude, so she tends to expand on all the things in her life and hope the other person reciprocates.
It often comes across as self absorbed, especially when, for example, an ill family member is waiting for important news, and instead of asking how they are and what the results were, she’ll send strings of messages about how her day was, what her child ate, what she wore today and even selfies of a new outfit. She’s a lovely person but doesn’t quite get interpersonal skills right all the time.

But if I know someone well enough to sit in their house, I wouldn’t feel the need to go through all the boring “how was your weekend” bollocks - I’d just sit and chat with them and anything interesting would just come up in conversation.

Indeed. You find it bizarre that people don’t ask questions, I find it equally bizarre that people need to be asked a set question in order to talk about something they like or enjoy 🤷‍♀️

This. Sorry OP but it seems like they're not interested in anything more than a superficial relationship.

We recently hosted one of my SILs (my least favourite 😂) for a week. About an hour before she left she asked me what I did for a living. I've been with her brother for almost 25 years and we'd just spent a whole week together. She's just not remotely interested.

@Nellodee mine are exactly the same as is a colleague, feel I know way too much about people I will never meet!
However I am probably ND so am quite happy to bend people's ears about random stuff or listen to ND friend talk about streetlighting. I will ask how your family are and probably your cat/ guinea pig / donkey but I won't ask about work / your kids!

We def wouldn’t ask my DH’s sister how much they earn or if they are trying for a baby. 😅

Ah, but then you DO ask questions! I’m talking about people who ask no questions at all, even about current affairs, TV programmes etc (conversations I also enjoy)

Good. People do ask things like 'How on earth can you afford your mortgage?' and 'Are you going to have another child?' though.

Quite, and this is the flipside - quite often when people do ask questions, they ask overly personal/intrusive ones.

Not to mention the grilling of people who don't have children.

I find it rude and obnoxious when people don't ask any questions in return - ESPECIALLY when all they do is talk about the themselves. I work with a woman like that and she also ONLY asks the odd question so she can turn it around and make it all about herself.

I remember, years ago, a now dear-departed family friend commented of a man we'd spent a three-hour lunch with who did nothing but talk about himself: as we drove away, she sat in the back of the car, waving at him like the queen and commented drily; "That man knows fuck all about any of us".

Again, interesting. I have many friends who ask questions but they know the difference between normal and intrusive questions. I like to think that I do too. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Not all questions are intrusive. I think we can all agree on that? So then why not ask questions that are not intrusive.