People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

@Caspianberg , I would expect more than a yes or no. Yes i do abc on a Friday with xyz etc, have you seen or tried that?
Ideally, yes, but some will say 'No' or 'Yes, (something really boring).' whereas 'Yes.../Not really. How about you?' would be better.

If people can't be arsed with small talk, further questions are annoying.

I don't feel like I've got that much space to keep up with the ins-and-outs of that many people, relatives or no. What's the point? Most people's lives are more-or-less the same, why do I need to know everything they've done for the past ten years (this is also why I don't do social media)?

If it's only every ten years, I'd rather have one, stimulating conversation about a particular topic than a breakdown of all the holidays you've had. For me, it's the latter that is superficial - everyone just blends into one, bland mass of work, kids, holidays. These are the conversations you have with your hairdresser, not people you're close to.

You could try questions like 'Don't you think Donald Trump is marvellous?' Or 'How was rehab this time round?' That should get things moving.

They have very poor conversation skills it seems

Yes exactly. Just to be clear, I don’t just ask questions all the time! 😊I talk about general stuff, share anecdotes/ experiences, do small talk etc. So I definitely don’t go around asking millions of questions! However, I care about my family and close friends, and one of the ways for me to show this it’s by asking questions about their lives. Some people mentioned that talking about that type of stuff is boring. But it shouldn’t just be about having an exciting / fun conversation. Sometimes life is not fun, and you can only support people if you know that they need support.

I’m sure people have got worse. Just no art of conversation at all.

I belong to a group and had to spend time with a particular woman. I said, “I was really upset about the Swiss nightclub tragedy - those poor young people.” She said, “Oh.” That was it. Then I said something about Greenland. She said “Oh.” She then spent twenty minutes telling me about her dilemma over loose covers.

Dsis is the same. Me: “I flew to Mars yesterday and met lots of little green men.” Silence. Even, “”Dd has a new job.” Silence. I have learnt to say nothing at all and just be an ear. I’m not exaggerating as if overheard dh/dcs remark, “All you ever say is Mmm or Oh I know”

I’m sure people have got worse. Just no art of conversation at all.
Maybe. I find older people (meaning ones who didn't grow up with mobile phones and the internet) tend to be good at talking a lot but the questions seem to be laboured.
I get asked things like:
How's work?, How far is it to work? (I WFH) , How far is it? (why are you asking me questions when you CBA to listen to the answer?) How's the cat? ...

They've known me all my life and that's the best they can do.

If someone needs support they can ask for it, surely?

Ahh but in reality it doesn’t always work like that. Loads of people don’t ask for support because they may not be confident enough, may feel embarrassed, may not want to burden family and friends etc.

This.
I hate it when people keep asking me questions. It's like being interrogated.
By all means ask a question or two to get things going but then I prefer to listen to what people say and offer my own experience or opinion. In return they can do the same.
I prefer it when people just start with some interesting thing they've been doing, have read, place they've been etc. Then I can follow up with similar. No need for a load of questions.

I suppose there are people who are just not interested in others and will turn everything back to themselves. I am actively trying to avoid these types as I find them exhausting and stressful to be with.
And then maybe the quiet types who won’t say anything anyway.

oh my god. Are you serious?
"How is the new car going? Would you recommend?"
"I see your extension is finished. It looks really good - are you happy with it?"

And asking them questions doesn’t always work either as lots of people will assume you’re only being polite and just respond in kind.

Honestly, I find it bizarre that some grown adults almost need prompt cards or cue cards to share their lives or to have a conversation - maybe I’m odd but if I want to talk to someone about something then I just do it, I don’t need permission.

People are different 🤷🏻‍♀️

If I already knew the person who turned up with their arm in a sling, I would ask them what happened. If they gave a short, vague answer or changed the subject, I wouldn't ask any more questions about their arm.

If it was more serious e.g. they'd had their arm amputated, I wouldn't ask about it, but might ask how they were. Their reply would probably make it obvious whether they wanted to talk about their arm or if they'd rather talk about anything else.

One thing I can’t fathom is when someone asks no questions and doesn’t listen to a thing about you, yet can relate anecdote after anecdote and the life and times of other people.

dsis knows nothing about us as it’s pointless trying to say anything, but she talks for hours in the greatest detail about all her in-laws, her dc, friends and neighbours. When we last met I rashly started to tell her something about ds and she picked up her phone and started scrolling through her photos.

I probably would talk about that if I thought of it and thought the other person was interested. But if someone talks for a bit about whatever they want then doesn’t ask me any questions then they are not interested. I could jump in with my story but it’s easier to tell when it’s apropos of something.

I don’t want to go back to the sort of conversation rules that existed in Jane Austin novels but it’s peculiar to sit in someone’s house and ask them nothing about their lives. I keep hearing about there being a loneliness epidemic, maybe this is part of it. It’s quite lonely to spend time with someone, have them talk but not show any interest back.

Has she decided that you're not worth knowing properly? Or maybe she feels that she already "owns" you in a sense, whereas if she talks about other people she can display that she's close to them, one of the in crowd.

My in laws are like this. Had a miscarriage or two, never asked. Got published, never asked. Had two children, only piped up when they were running around. Never you’ve got lovely kids. I’ve come to the opinion that they are
a) narcissists so only interested in themselves
b) passive aggressive
they cant even say “thank you” when you give them a couple of hundred pounds worth of stuff?!
c) jealous as all my achievements are annoying to them, despite no help
sil does not speak until spoken to and then never asks ONE question back, after 20 years!!!
There’s a reason I only see them once a year! Thank goodness I retreated 😅 suggest you do the same.
I now treat people how they treat me and it feels FANTASTIC!!

I don’t ask questions if iam uninterested and I find small talk pointless and boring.
perhaps there the same.

I prefer it when people just start with some interesting thing they've been doing, have read, place they've been etc. Then I can follow up with similar. No need for a load of questions.

This sums it up for me.

I do ask questions and it has to be a balence, but to me a fun conversation is when ideas, stories and opinions are flowing naturally.

My dp complains I don't ask enough questions, I think he asks too many and that his questions are pointless. If we are having dinner, he will often ask "how are your parents?, (when I haven't just come from seeing them - I may not have seen them or called them for a week or more). If something happened to my parents, I'd tell him that day or probably text him immediately. There's no need to politely ask. Whereas I'd love if he'd say "I was just reading an article on xyz, and I found out....."

But you're not putting it in context of the OP and what she is referring to.

Would you go and stay with someone, a relative, or even a friend, and tell them everything there is to know about yourself in length when asked, or unprompted.. but not ask them a single thing in return, or show any interest in what they are talking about?

And even when OP volunteers a piece of information, off the top of my head:

"I was thinking about doing race for life this year" you would just stare at them blankly forcing them to have to continue on unprompted (awkward) or just gave up under the assumption that even though they are a relative and are staying with you, they give absolutely zero fucks about you or your life or what you are doing (rude).

In OPs context it's a very selfish way to communicate IMO, I have a sibling like this and I know EXACTLY what OP is referring to, they will ask to come to see me for coffee and a chat, but apart from their basic "I'm fine" type answers, I have to be the one doing the heavy lifting of the conversation, and thinking what to ask them and what to say to keep any sort of conversation going while they sit there and talk in little more than one word answers, OR they talk at length about their life, and their job, and their hobbies etc while asking you nothing in return, it's very one sided.

I did a secret experiment not long ago and apart from the general how's things, which got the usual 'fine' I purposely didn't ask any questions, in the hope that they would pick up the slack (thinking maybe it's me and that I lead too much) but honest to god we just sat there in silence, she didn't say a word, she didn't volunteer anything or ask a single thing, after about 10 minutes she said she had to get going.. I found it excruciating to be honest, but it proved a point that some people are just shit at pulling their weight in conversations.

I completely understand your perspective about small talk, and passing chit chat, and no one actually caring, that applies to a lot of interactions (colleagues, people you see in passing, anyone you come into contact with who you don't know very well) but when a relative or friend makes a point of coming to see you for a chat and then shows zero interest in anything you are saying it's just bloody odd.

"When I see my friends and family we talk about travel, hobbies, animals, food, films, music etc"

What are these topics if not "the minutiae of other people's lives?"
These are the exact things OP would presumably have been happy to discuss with her family!

I dont understand how you can have a conversation about any of these topics without someone at least posing an introductory question. How do you talk about yours or someone else's hobbies without asking them what they are?

If your family member likes cycling, for example, how do you carry out a conversation about it without any questions? Unless they just start randomly reciting facts about it apropos of nothing and with no interaction or prompting from you, in which case that's not a conversation, its a monologue!

If your family member likes cycling, for example, how do you carry out a conversation about it without any questions? Unless they just start randomly reciting facts about it apropos of nothing and with no interaction or prompting from you, in which case that's not a conversation, its a monologue!

For me, if I was the cyclist, I'd say "you can't believe what happened to me on my ride the other day... " or "I went on a stunning ride recently, it was near x place...", yes apropos of nothing. The listener would hopefully find this interesting and respond with their own story, idea or fact.

Rather than sitting there thinking "I'd love to say this interesting thing about cycling, I hope someone asks me".

In the contrary, it’s incredibly rude to talk about yourself the whole time and ask nothing about how the person you are with is doing.