People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

Liviving isolated unsocial lives can make you like this and so can being neurodivergent. I was someone who never asked questions because it never occurred to me that this was the social norm. I have to force myself to ask questions but I find it difficult to pay attention to their answers which makes the conversation difficult. I’m generally not interested in other peoples lives so asking questions does not come natural to me

Depends on the person surely?

Someone asking you at a checkout for example is not going to care how you actually are. But someone you know, a relative or a friend, don't just ask you because it is the social norm, they ask you because the want to know how you are. I much prefer the 'I'm shit actually, and this is why..' people, to the 'fine' people, as they are choosing to end the conversation, they are exactly who many people on this thread are talking about.. the conversation killers, who answer in one word answers and never ask you anything.

And FWIW answering 'fine thanks, and you?' makes it's obvious that you don't want to talk and you are only asking the other person in return out of politeness, which in itself isn't conducive to a conversation.

I have siblings, one we talk about everything because we are always honest with each other, and the other we talk about nothing, because they pretend to be okay all the time, 'fine', even when they clearly aren't.. they normally take a bit of 'are you sure you're okay, you don't seem okay' before they actually talk to you about what is bothering them, but they still never ask anything in return.. it's hard work and sometimes I can't be arsed to cajole them into a one sided conversation in all honesty.

These are only closed questions if you're ND. Have you been to any nice restaurants lately Angelina?"
We have. We tried the new Italian where Costa used to be. They've done a lovely job with it. Do you like Italian?"
"Do you watch the Traitors?'
" I've watched bits of the celebrity one. Quite liked XYZ. My favourite thing at the moment is Confession on itv.Have you heard of it?"

Are they from the US?

If you are closing those questions then you are exactly the sort of person people on here are complaining about. If someone asks you any of these questions then they are interested in your answer, and they are inviting you to say what they are, which would normally lead on to a conversation of some kind.

Anyone answering in yes or no answers to questions like this, are purposely being obtuse, and it would be extremely obvious that they either don't want to converse, they don't like you, or they have the social skills of potato.

YANBU
The older i get the more i have noticed this. People don't ask questions. It does mean they are not interested sadly. Upsetting when it is close family. My mum does it. Talks at me for 2 hours. Asks one question but doesnt even listen to the answer.
Relationships should be 2 ways and often they are not

Yes - do you have any hobbies?
I would expect more than a yes or no. Yes i do abc on a Friday with xyz etc, have you seen or tried that?
Or no, and then a reason why, ie time/ family/ other commitments/ too tired atm/ enjoying being at home baking more.
Then you would ask what type of things they have baked recently, suggest that still a hobby but just from home, maybe ask for a recipe to be forwarded if interested.
yes or no only to mean is lack of interest

Omg this is my sister in law! I completely understand what you mean. Every single topic of conversation is turned round to her. Frustrating, isn’t it?!

I rarely ask because I dont want to seem rude/nosy. And also just because I forget or struggle to think of things to ask beyond how are you/how's work....

These threads actually make me feel quite self conscious and worry everyone in my life might secretly hate me. I do care i just never know what to ask?!?

What you've described is someone who has few social skills. That's not your fault. I don't think it means that questions are wrong.

My in-laws are like this and it makes spending time with them very difficult. They're very happy to talk at length about themselves but ask us absolutely nothing. We had a sabbatical overseas a while ago, for six months, and they didn't ask a single question about it. DH tried to bring it up and they just started talking about their friend's trip to the same country 😕I think in their case it's because his DM likes being the centre of attention. If other people are talking then she can't be, so it has to be her doing the talking. They do also have an astounding lack of curiosity.

I agree OP. I think some people don’t learn these conversational skills growing up, I was like that. I then became an over sharer and now I am more thoughtful about what to ask but it still doesn’t come to me naturally!

What you’ve said reminds me of an episode of Here We Go where a family visits and they are polite etc but the BIL just doesn’t ask any questions or carry a conversation.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001vvg0

Here We Go

It's his sister, why don't hoj know about each others lives? If they're so disinterested in maintaining a relationship normally, what led to them staying with you.

It reads like old school friends who lost touch, now they need accommodation nearby something and you're the most useful address but they don't actually want to reignite the friendship.

Notl like siblings.

Even to your own sibling? This is dh's sister, not a random at the bus stop

I dislike talking about myself. It's rude and intrusive to ask people personal questions and it's rude and boring to talk about yourself. I only ask people personal questions if they clearly need to talk about themselves and are looking for prompts or affirmation.

Bear in mind they are on holiday and may want a break from going over their everyday lives.

I agree with this 100% but also to be more blunt, I sometimes think it is outright rude! OP I was having this exact conversation with my DH last night. I met up with a couple of nursery mums the other week - we hadn’t seen eachother since before Christmas and all been away on holiday so not caught up about any of that. One of them is great and chatty and the other allows you to ask her questions like ‘how was your Christmas/holiday etc’ at which point I personally would say ‘bla bla.. and yours?’ but no, nothing. Not one question, no ‘and how about you?’. I’ve noticed this the more times I have caught up with her!

@EsmaCannonball sorry i dont agree whatsoever. There is a difference between asking someone how their bowel movement was this morning and how their holiday was (especially if they have just asked about yours!!)

Yes exactly this. It’s about asking any questions. I gave the example of jobs / health, but it doesn’t have to be that. It can just be about hobbies, TV programmes, likes/dislikes, holidays … anything would do! I really don’t think that’s being nosy …

Oh yes to the curiosity. My mum mentions something she’s read, I ask a question about it to understand what she means. Oh I don’t know. But you brought it up!

Honestly if people aren’t showing interest, they probably don’t like you very much. I can carry a conversation with someone I like and ask questions and am interested in their life.
But there are some family members that seem to “monologue” about their day/life and it’s tedious to listen to. Or I’m happy they’re doing well but I don’t really care to ask the details as I find them irritating. Just focus on the ones who are interested and who you enjoy being around.

Honestly, my experience is that most people don’t actually care about how you are, your health issues, your annoying manager or the fact that you tried a new takeaway on the weekend - they’re asking because it’s the “correct” thing to do.

Personally I have no interest in other people’s work or what they did at the weekend - unless they’ve done something massively interesting or unusual in which case I’d expect them to tell me anyway without needing to be prompted like a child.

Let’s face it, most people’s lives are fairly dull and just not really that interesting to chat about.

I’d expect someone to just tell me that anyway - why would they need to be asked or prompted?

So I like that too. Talking about books, renovations, etc. But when you haven’t seen a member of your family for 10 years, it feels normal to ask questions about their lives. It’s almost like saying: ‘we are family, and I want to know about your life because I care’. I find it weird to talk about superficial stuff in that type of situation. But totally accept people are different!

I have to force myself to ask even reciprocal questions. It just doesn’t occur to me. I am interested in areas of similarly between me and the other person, but I don’t care about their hobbies or whether they’re organised for Christmas or where they’re going on holiday or what their favourite colour is. So, if they volunteer this information, fair enough, I will listen politely, but I will rarely ask them, even if they have already asked me. If they happen to mention, for example, that they have IBD, or that they studied with the OU, or they like knitting, I’ll be right there for that and will show an interest and have a good conversation. But I rarely ask outright questions. It seems intrusive. I suspect it probably isn’t most of the time and that I’m just rather lacking in the social skills department!

Oh God, this with bells on!