People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

But why would it be odd?

This whole nonsense of having to sit through a load of superficial questioning that nobody actually cares about makes no sense to me whatsoever.

I know that when people ask how I am, they expect me to say “fine thanks, and you?”, and when they ask about my weekend they only want to hear about the good parts etc. It’s just all so pointless to me.

Most people are talking about how it’s rude not to ask questions but personally I think it’s much worse to ask a list of superficial questions that you don’t actually expect an honest answer to.

I find this odd too OP. I think it's often because people aren't that interested and it just doesn't occur to them to ask. It can make conversation really difficult though, particularly if you're not the sort of person who wants to talk about themselves at length and would prefer a more reciprocal dialogue!

Must admit though, I do sometimes avoid asking questions if my experience of that person tells me the answer is likely to be really long.

My DH is like this. It’s maddening. He goes to see friend he hasn’t seen in years and he doesn’t ask about their personal lives or work or life or anything, just has some banter. Then he wonders why he doesn’t have any close friendships. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to pry. But I think curiosity and interest in other people is nice.

Yes this is how it is for me. I love hearing people flow about something they exerienced or are passionately interested in, especially if I know nothing at all about it.

I can understand not asking about people you don’t know. I have a few people in my life who are perpetually on broadcast and it is hard work.

Re the great minds etc though - if the great minds were staying with someone, would they not occasionally ask if the host children still did ballet? Or would they only talk about stuff like whether communism is ever likely to be successful. Because that’s also hard work.

Rule of thumb is that the first person asks three general things about the second ( in a coversational way, not interview style) The second person responds with 3 things about the first person( so how long have you worked at X, oh you might know Y she was there in the 90s etc etc) By then the conversation is either flowing easily( and possibly bringing in other people if you're at a group thing) or it's died a death. This is particularly important with online dating. If you meet in person and you ask Dave / Phil/ Steve three general things about himself in the first 15 minutes or so of meeting and he proceeds to make the whole thing about himself without turning it round to " So how about you......" then it's a warning that your whole life together will be about Dave / Phil/ Steve.

I mean, I personally don’t give a toss if someone’s kid does ballet lessons or not so I’m unlikely to ever ask about it - however I would expect someone who wanted to talk about their kids hobbies to just…do it. I wouldn’t expect them to need prompting.

I think for me it's probably because I'm so appalled at the long monologue approach that I find I don't want to respond in kind. That probably sounds a bit mean.

Oh an estate agent would definitely be doing this! You just grab a couple of things like the person arrived from an aqua aerobics class (where did you travel from?) or their sister ran ths marathon (what did you do at the weekend?) and you are away. Next meeting - "Do you mind me asking your advice on something? I'm looking for some low impact exercise as my back is giving me trouble. You go to aqua aerobics don't you?" "My friend has just moved to such and such area. She's looking for a running club. Your family are runners aren't they? Could you recommend somewhere locally?"

What if you didn’t always give the expected answers? If someone were to ask me about my weekend, it’s possible I might say “Oh the most ghastly thing happened - one of us left the car unlocked and someone went in and pinched a load of stuff from the boot and glove compartment. I had to call and get replacement National Trust and English heritage cards as the thieves thought they were credit cards!”.

Okay so I’m really bad at this. I struggle to ask questions because I feel like I don’t know what to ask and worry I will say the wrong thing, then when I don’t talk enough my anxiety spirals again because I know people must think I’m weird or dull. 😢 I really want to get better at conversing with people in a natural easy way and I do try. I just wish it felt natural to me the same as it seems to for other people.

This made me smile. I could win the Nobel prize for literature and my mother would say 'Well your brother ......" and proceed to tell me he'd put up a shed. Because no one had ever put up a shed as well before.😂

Oh my gosh I had so many dates like this. You've brought back some traumatic memories of my thirties. I'd be there smiling along politely asking questions based on what they were saying while mentally deciding to never see them again. They'd be shocked at my lack of interest as we 'really connected'. This happened so many times.

Now, fifteen years later, I wouldn't dream of wasting my evening indulging this crap. I'd be saying straight out "this isn't going anywhere, you haven't asked me a single question. Let's say goodnight. No I'm not actually leaving, I got dressed up and organised a babysitter and I really like the food and atmosphere here. I'll be enjoying my book at another table for the next hour or so."

Where are they from ?

' Only share when it's appropriate '.
If you are guests in someone's house ( as in Ops case) and staying for multiple days with people you are related to then it is entirely expected/ required that you will 'let people into your life'. If you can't do that then swallow the huge cost and stay in a hotel.

As a non-questioner for me the idea that it's rude to ask a question comes from not knowing what the other person thinks is a personal question. In the situations people describe-eg. you turn up at an event with your arm in a sling and no-one asks you what happened-you think they are rude, for me I would be thinking, you haven't shared what happened and since it's so obvious there's a story there that you haven't told us therefore you consider it too personal a topic. Same as if I tell you about my holiday and then smile and look at you waiting for you to share about your holiday. You stare back at me, waiting for me to ask you a question. I would assume you haven't shared because you can't afford a holiday and are now thinking I'm insensitive or you are against beach holidays and think I'm lazy or something like that, because surely if you felt it was an open topic you'd like to talk about you'd just start sharing now I've stopped. If after I long pause you said, so how is your dog? I would assume we had nothing in common at all and that holidays were a sensitive topic for you. I would uncomfortably tell you about my dog but I'd now be wanting to get away and silence would be a relief. It is so interesting reading this thread. I am really going to force myself to ask more question and see how it goes.

That question is weird. My mum is a bit like this, randomly asks what’s your favourite record/film apropos of nothing. My fil was telling a lovely story about passing his driving test and the week after deciding to drive to Spain in his old clapped out car, talking about campsites and people they met. He paused for breath and my mum said „if you could have any car what would you have?“ . He is nearly 89 and can’t drive due to poor eyesight but was that really the question that occurred to you. She either asks no questions say when you are back from holiday or asks really odd ones and interrogates you.

I find this whole discussion fascinating. I’m a witterer who will talk to anybody - grew up in the sort of place where strangers strike up conversations on the bus and shopkeepers called everyone ‘love.’ I was embarrassingly old when I realised that the question ‘How are you?’ isn’t always looking for an honest and detailed answer in response.

When I was a mature student I was asked to join a mentoring scheme, where the career changers were matched with 16 year olds. I was allocated this kid who had had a really rough start in life and a criminal record.

He wanted to break away from the damaging social scene he’d become a part of, but was painfully shy and found making new friends impossible. He had no idea how to talk to people, and said he hated chit chat because he didn’t like answering all the questions - his life was a bit shit and he was understandably sensitive about revealing any details.

Nobody had ever taught him to ask questions back. He thought a conversation was literally a one way cross examination. I taught him to give brief, innocuous responses, that it was ok to fudge or sidestep things he didn’t want to reveal, and to get the conversation focus onto the other person by asking them questions back. We did some role play.

Not long afterwards he came bouncing over to me excitedly (which was not his style at all) and said “Hey Venus, I tried that thing! I asked someone questions. It really works!” It was a revelation to him.

He was a really sweet kid. I learnt a lot from him too. I hope he managed to turn his life around.

It’s rude to not make any effort in conversation. Some people think they are above small talk but it’s just reality that we all need to do it to get the convo going.

There are rare times when I consciously don’t do it. For example when in work situations with men who are lazy conversationalists I will refuse to fill the silence to make others comfortable. I find some men see this as women’s role and are very lazy in conversation. My BIL never asks anything about anyone so I now do the same to him.

So how do you develop your family relationships? Do you expect them to tell you or do you just talk about the weather

You don’t need to be interested in ballet or whether a child does ballet lessons - the question would be to show an interest and invite the people you are staying with to talk about something they are interested in.

Surely it depends on the questions?

'Have you put on weight?' - rude
'Did you enjoy your holiday?' - polite small talk

There was a character like this in Here We Go. I think they called him Uncle Void or something because talking to him was like talking into the void.

There may be some people who don't ask questions as they don't want to pry, but I think most people who do this are actually just rude and self centred.

My partner's adult DDs are like this and so are my two brothers. They can talk for hours about what they've done - house, car, job, hobbies, holidays, health - you name it. The most you get from them is "How are you?" like you might ask a random stranger, before they move on to talk about whatever they've done. If you do say anything about yourself, even if it's something most people would find really interesting ... "I went skydiving naked with George Clooney in the Himalayas" and they'd say something like "Oh that's nice, I've just come back from a week in Torquay myself" or whatever. They just don't give a shit about you or what you've done.

@sandyhappypeople ,
Watched any good tv shows lately? Yes/No
Read any good books?Yes/No
Been out to any nice restaurants?Yes/No
Got anything planned this year? Yes/No
How are the kids getting on at school/college/work etc?
How's DH/DW?
How's your mum/dad?
Do you have any hobbies?Yes/No
Do you have any pets? Yes/No
Did you see this/that/the other thing that has happened in the news lately? Yes/No

Most of those questions are closed.