Getting married and not telling anyone?

[Differentusername70]

I've NC for this.

DP and I have been living together for years, no shared children, we are in our 50's and 60's, and we are very happy as we are, balanced with assets and finances and share all that we have. I'm approaching early retirement, he's already retired.

We really ought to get married/ enter into civil partnership to protect our finances, we have wills but we will be exposed to inheritance tax in the event one of us dies.

Getting married with our families in attendance will be a logistical nightmare working around close family members who live overseas and are tied to school holidays, ditto UK relatives who live at the other end of the country and are tied to often different school holidays. My family is huge and we'd usually invite everyone.

It would be 2027 at the earliest before we could even get the close familes together and having already had a cancer diagnosis (me) a few years ago that worries both of us.

We tempted with getting married and telling absolutely nobody. It is literally just to fix the financial position, we don't feel the need to be married. I wouldn't change my name regardless.

We might, possibly have a blessing or similar in the future so the grandchildren can be bridesmaids/ pages and we could tell everyone then.

Has anyone done this? How bad would this be? We know that to work we would have to tell no-one!

When my neighbours got married and I was their witness, they didn't tell anyone because one relatively local sis would have turned up 'as a lovely surprise' (it wouldn't have been) with her dgd in tow dressed as look-alike bridesmaids. Other family were a complicated mix of estranged and living abroad.

Do it. 👍

I’d go civil partnership. Achieves the objective without any of the emotional baggage of a marriage

I think the problems only start when close family members have hurt feelings over it .

of course it’s your day to have as you wish , but it’s also perfectly understandable for people to be upset that you didn’t get invited to mums/ close family’s wedding.

I think the only way to do this is to truly tell no one - so no one feels like they have been missed out / not important. If truly no one comes , then others won’t be hurt they have been left out hopefully.

I hope I’m making sense!

about ten years ago my friend was telling me that she was really stressed, she had so much to do one weekend and she looked really panicked, so I offered to take her two children for the day . We had a nice time they played well with mine and she text and was really grateful, but had sent hubby to pick up.
Two days later a load of pictures came over facebook, and she had got married the next day, and had a small secret wedding with her family and about 20 friends. The day I had her boys she was at a spa with her friends and mum getting glammed up!
I remember feeling very hurt , like I was fine for free childcare but not worth inviting for the celebrations.
of course it was up to her who she invited, but our friendship was never the same after that.
I think if she had truly just been her and hubby, it wouldn’t have been an issue, but because a few chosen ones made the cut , it felt awful!

the other anecdote I have is from my bil, who decided to get married in secret and not invite anyone. Again all fine , but the night before the bride changed her mind and wanted her mum there (who also brought dad and her brother) when his mum found out, she was devastated, not only to miss her child’s wedding, but that the other mum had been there and she wasn’t wanted 😬 again if they had just been those two, and no one else, I think it would have been easier for mum to accept, rather than feeling like the unwanted party.

I hope you find something that suits you best!

We did this just for financial side, also because we are a same sex couple to be each other's next of kin incase anything happened. Was never so glad when my DW had an accident abroad and as l was the wife they let me make decisions about her care. Just do and have a party later.

We had a civil partnership, aged in our 50s/60s. Just the two of us plus witnesses, a couple of friends then out for a meal. We told people a month beforehand, saying it had all been arranged. It was great and the right thing to do for us.
I didn't want to tell my family well in advance for several reasons. If there was any ill feeling, I didn't find out about it.
It's your day so arrange according to your wishes.

Sounds a great idea, either simply in your local registry office or elsewhere where it’s simple, I quite fancied Gretna Green as it’s so kitch and they are set up for eloping providing witnesses

This is so right, we do want to make sure that we have dealt with all the important things and that one of us isn't left trawling through difficulties of the worst has happened.

This.

We married secretly almost 10 years ago and it's now slightly awkward when we are asked directly if we will get married as we are lying to people's faces.

Plus we've come to realise that if either of us die, it will be the other one left to tell families that actually we don't need anything from them legally to sort the estate as we got married to sort it and deliberately didn't tell them.

We did. We just eloped and told everyone afterwards.

Ha! I've been looking at similar, either somewhere with a lovely view or somewhere odd! I guess we don't have Vegas style wedding chapels?

A friend of mine got married in Vegas and there was live streaming. She got married late morning on a Friday which was about 8pm Friday night for us. We all sat at home on our own comfy sofas messaging each other, drinking fizz and watching it on the telly. Best wedding ever!

It seems you can live stream weddings so could you do that! Then everyone can be involved without it becoming a logistical nightmare.

Just elope and then tell people you eloped

My mum got married while on a little staycation so it was very small (just with witnesses) but it was special without spending a fortune. She told the family she didn't expect us to come as she would be having a party to celebrate when the whole family could be together. That could be an option, or just telling the family you are doing it for legal reasons and don't want any fuss at all beyond a card in the post or whatever. It would be weird for them to be more bothered about your own wedding than you are. But I do think you should tell them as it may cause hurt down the line if they come across the wedding certificate, or confusion if they need to fill in forms and things when you're elderly

My Mom did. With her partner 30+ years, one joint child. It literally came out the night he died but we all understood. Like yo they just wanted legal protection, next of kin etc. They had two close friends as witnessed and lunch out with them after. That was it
Even my sister, their joint child, didn't know.

Do it. It's your life, your rules.

I really can't see the problem.
You don't owe anyone a day out.
Do it for financial security and make it clear you were advised to do it asap so as to avoid any complications for each other should anything happen.
The end.
Some people think everything is about them.
It really isn't.

If I was your child, irrespective of age, I would be upset

Or elope and don't tell people you eloped. Or tell them several years later so they can't get too excited about not having had the chance to get their wedding gear and fascinator out five years earlier.

Do it, but do tell your families that you have, reasonably soon after. If you want to have a party or similar celebration you could plan it at your leisure knowing the legal side has been sorted.

What I wouldn't do is get married and not tell anyone, and your families only find out when one of you is deceased. That would be more of a snub than eloping and letting them know afterwards.

My Dad and his second wife did this - second marriage for them both, they'd been living together for years, adult children and grandchildren living all over the world. No one minded, it doesn't really make any difference to any of us and it worked for them.

My dad this did this, they went on holiday and tied in a wedding.. I had no issue with this and thought it was great but my sister felt hurt by it and didn’t get why they kept it private but she is way more family oriented than I am.. I’m all about what makes you happy therefore I’m happy .

This is exactly what we are doing this year. Registry office booked for June. Haven't told anyone, not really the perfect way forward for my future DH as he hasn't been married before and I have but the reality is I just need to get the legal bit done & he can arrange a celebration later on (it won't happen)

Is there no risk as you have your own children that the other partner could remarry and then disinherit the deceased partners children? Even with wills done post marriage?

My parents have both remarried and the money will go to my step siblings either side I think, not to me or my siblings

Id set a date at a local registry when suits you and invite your grown up kids. Say ‘we realise it’s short notice and we just want something quick and low key for legal reasons’. And then if people come great, if not dont worry. Then theres been so secrecy.

@Differentusername70 only you know all the "players" involved within both families, so I'm sure you already know who could feel upset.

Therefore it is, really, your & your future husband's judgement call re any possible "fallout".

Have a wonderful day whatever you decide 🌻