Getting married and not telling anyone?

[Differentusername70]

I've NC for this.

DP and I have been living together for years, no shared children, we are in our 50's and 60's, and we are very happy as we are, balanced with assets and finances and share all that we have. I'm approaching early retirement, he's already retired.

We really ought to get married/ enter into civil partnership to protect our finances, we have wills but we will be exposed to inheritance tax in the event one of us dies.

Getting married with our families in attendance will be a logistical nightmare working around close family members who live overseas and are tied to school holidays, ditto UK relatives who live at the other end of the country and are tied to often different school holidays. My family is huge and we'd usually invite everyone.

It would be 2027 at the earliest before we could even get the close familes together and having already had a cancer diagnosis (me) a few years ago that worries both of us.

We tempted with getting married and telling absolutely nobody. It is literally just to fix the financial position, we don't feel the need to be married. I wouldn't change my name regardless.

We might, possibly have a blessing or similar in the future so the grandchildren can be bridesmaids/ pages and we could tell everyone then.

Has anyone done this? How bad would this be? We know that to work we would have to tell no-one!

I think just do it asap, but no need for it to be secret. It’s the sneaking about that would annoy people.

Yes, oddly we had the conversation over the weekend and then the R2 discussion popped up so we did listen, thanks for flagging

I don't think you really do get what I was saying, which was that it's got nothing to do with a wedding, little girls and dresses, but everything to do with the ongoing (potential) implications of being secretly married. If you have POA already then it will make minimal change. In which case it begs the question, what's the big deal and why keep it secret?

That's how it is for us, we don't feel the need to get married or have a civil partnership at this stage of our lives but not formalising will cause predictable issues which we'd prefer to avoid. It feels very unromantic!

I did this. Me, DH and two witnesses at our town's registry office. My family were thrilled that I and my DG had the guts to do what we actually wanted.

Some distant aunts were weird about it, but not for any substantial reasons, so I chalked it up to their problem and happily ignored it.

This was my DM’s ideal for when she got married. And mine, too.

I didn’t manage it, but cheer you on. Absolutely do it if it works for you.

It is often the other way round where people incorrectly assume that the long term partner is next of kin, and are shocked to find out if that's not the case.

Next of kin isn’t a legal status in England and Wales. Your long term partner whether married or not would pretty much automatically be NOK if they were available.

I say do it. A friend of mine who’s been with her partner for over 30 years let slip last year that they’d got married. She hates a big fuss so they just did it the two of them, I actually don’t know if they took their adult child as a witness. As long as you are certain it is the right financial choice, then bloody hell, you’re in your 50s! If you can’t make a choice about your own life in private now, when can you!

We are similar both mid 50s been together 18 years.
Will probably just do civil ceremony not tell anyone. I intend to keep my name.
Purely to protect the other one should something happen

We’re also thinking about this - would be a civil partnership, no rings, name changes or fuss, just a paperwork exercise

It's also seen as 'unromantic' to deal with ownership of assets, wills, POA etc. However, one definition of romance is: conducive to or characterised by the expression of love.

I think it IS an expression of love (and a bit romantic) to make all of these important legal committments to each other, with the intention preventing complicated issues later on in your lives, and in the context of being togeveether for the rest of your lives. Romance and love is not necessarily about other being involved, or knowing.

My neighbours did this (I knew because I was a witness, but no-one else knows). It was a surprisingly beautiful and romantic event, including surprisingly romantic and emotional for the couple who had been together for 42 years.

My sister did this. Everyone was fine with it. They didn't need loads of stuff as gifts and no one has ever regretted this. Go for it I say, and enjoy it.

And it is despertely unromantic trying to deal with the stress and uncertainty of a short-notice marriage taking place in hospital.

Me and my husband got married without telling anyone, both second marriages.
We had two close friends who were witnesses and just went for a meal at a top restaurant after.
Then two years ago my Ds did the same thing, they were happy as they were but for financial reasons wanted to marry.
To be fair, you don’t even need to tell anyone you’re now married, it’s no one’s business but yours.
So go ahead and have a lovely day. ❤️

Voted the wrong bloody one! Lol!

If you want to go and do it just you, do it! Shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks!

But your father told you. The OP is saying she doesn't plan to tell anyone, hence not hurt feelings about being grocery shopping at the 'I do' moment.

Yes, we'd have chosen a civil partnership, had they been available for heterosexual couples when we were marrying. Less baggage.

Not telling anyone as a favour to potential guests cause it’s a logistic nightmare YABU.

just do a small celebration, invite who You want and if they can’t attend its fine. Say you don’t expect anyone to drop everything and spend a fortune on tickets etc

Wonderful idea! We did the same

Well, you need two witnesses. You said you don't have kids together, but do you separately? At least two of them? Who are adults? Maybe just ask them? Not their partners etc, just them, and then get lunch or something.

I think it's an excellent idea if it's what you both want. There is no reason you need to tell anyone if you don't want to but the financial protections make sense.

I was a witness at a wedding like this. Just the couple and witnesses at the town hall, then we all went for lunch nearby. The couple did eventually tell their families.

For them, they wanted to be married to each other, but didn't want to 'have a wedding' with all the fuss and expectations that go along with it.

Get a licence and get wed. If you like the idea of a big party, start planning it but don't delay the wedding for years. Your big celebration can include a blessing/renewal of vows/handfasting/whatever you fancy and be conducted by a religious representative/humanist celebrant/family member or friend.

You can have a small wedding without the family but why not share the news up front? There’s no need for the shock factor of telling everyone afterwards. They will want to wish you well surely?

Also don’t make their logistics your problem. They might be willing to climb mountains to get to you or come without partners/ children just so they can be there.