Is this a bit much for grandparents babysitting ?

[Colourconundrum]

Hi Mums - my in laws came over to babysit DS (1) at the weekend while me and DH went out for dinner to celebrate a friends bday. DS’s bedtime was before we’d even left the house but ILs came over early as they wanted to do his tea & bath. We were back by 1030.

DH paid for them to have a takeaway at our house, left out a £30 bottle of wine & has also just sent a bouquet of flowers as a thank you.

AIBU to think this is a bit OTT? I’m obviously super grateful that they looked after DS but what we’ve spent on ILs has exceeded how much our meal out was!! And a babysitter would have been way cheaper too. I’m also worried it sets an expensive precedent now and money is pretty tight for us.

Just to add my parents were also happy to babysit and I know they wouldn’t have accepted us paying for anything but MIL has been dying to look after DS so I don’t think it wasn’t a massive chore or inconvenience for her that we need to ‘compensate’ for.

Both flowers and £30 bottle of wine were OTT.
I wanted to say it’s fine if you can easily afford it - but IMO actually still OTT, and that’s from dual high earner household, we don’t even drink £30 bottles of wine ourselves! Flowers are for special occasions. even card is a bit weird

But if you are on a tight budget it’s crazy

Maybe she was taken aback by it and dint know how to act on the spot, maybe embarrassed and offended, and now it’s made worse as you dont want to ask her again,I don’t know how anyone can do that mistakenly, and now you’ve both made her the problem. When you’ve both behaved badly.

Your husband is a bit of a tit OP.
He went completely overboard.
But his parents sound mean so it looks as if he has been conditioned by them and is in a FOG, fear, obligation and guilt mode.
I think your parents and a babysitter might be a better idea if your husband can't cop himself on.

We have no idea about that.
It is something you've just made up.

The first time we babysat my grandson my daughter wanted to pay us. Told her I was grandma and no payment required. It they really needed the money maybe but no money.

Did DH realise that he spent more on gifts for his parents, than your whole evening out cost? If he plans to spend that each time, then as money is tight, you won’t be able to afford to go out very often at all. Or, only when your own parent’s babysit.

I’d be asking DH why he felt the need to be so OTT. He must have spent nearly £100, that’s more than we spend on parents for Christmas and birthdays. I do wonder if he gives his parents the impression that he’s doing very well financially, so can easily afford to pay for their meals out. Otherwise I am shocked that they accepted it all.

@Daisywhatsyouranswer yes you are right, not denying it.

When our dc were little, people who offered to sit were shown where the tea / coffee was and told to help themselves.

Same as when I've sat for family in recent years (am not a Grandma yet, but for nieces and nephews and God children).
I will look after other people's dc as I remember what it was like to need a break when I had babies / toddlers myself, not as a business transaction.

Shame on them for accepting! If I tried to give either of those to my mum as ‘payment in kind’ for looking after her own GDC, she’d firmly refuse it and if I did it anyway like send flowers for example, she’d send the cost to my bank account!

Christ if I gave my mum that amount everytime she babysat, I'd be bankrupt by now. I've never gave any grandparents a thank you for babysitting, they always seem eager to do it and like helping out/spending time with their grandchildren. We always recognise how helpful they are with genuine messages of gratitude in birthday/Xmas cards, and if anything they seem grateful for being given the opportunity to be so involved with the grandchildren. I know neither set would ever expect or accept a gift anyway.

I wouldn't want any of that to babysit my grandchildren. I'd likely have ate before I went if it was 6.30. A "help yourself to anything you'd like to eat or drink", is sufficient.

It actually goes beyond thanking them in my opinion to almost making them feel less like a grandparent and more like staff. Others may disagree!

I think he was bonkers.

We would never expect anything for babysitting our grandchildren - just to make sure there is milk/tea/coffee in the house.
We often would take stuff with us food, wine etc and leave with them. We are comfortable financially and my philosophy is to give with a warm hand. Fortunately the DC's are not ungrateful.

Maybe he just wants to set a good, positive tone.

Whenever my mum visits (she lives in the South and we're up in the North) I always send her chocolates or flowers when she goes home for her to arrive home to as a thank you for all the amazing care she gives our DD while she's here.

I just always want her to know that she is welcome and appreciated.

Whenever my parents babysat (no inlaws) I always left nice food and wine. They didn’t ever expect it but I think it’s courtesy when you’re asking them to come out, especially in the cold and stay up until 10.30/11 (which would have been late for my parents).

I think the bouquet was maybe a bit much and a call to thank them the next day would do but if it’s the first time then that’s kind. Your DH sounds very thoughtful.

Who spends that much on wine to drink with a blumming takeaway? You get £6.99 wine on special offer for £5.00 for a takeaway, everyone knows that.

My random take on this is that your DH thinks his sister takes the piss by getting 4 days of childcare out of their parents every week and maybe believe his dsis takes it for granted. So he is now going over board to show how he NEVER takes them for granted. And has gone crazy with flowers, booze, etc.

I don't think so, not for a first time. We don't have the option of grandparents babysitting so we just don't go out often. The last time (2 and half years ago) was for a work thing of my husband's. It cost £250 for a stranger to look after DS. So yeah, I think you did well, and you had the peace of mind of knowing your child was with GPs who love them, money doesn't buy that peace of mind. Treasure them!

Gish I didn’t give my ostenta anything! I told them to help themselves to anything in the fridge but an expensive bottle if wine, takeaway and flowers? To grandparents desperate to look after the baby? WAY OTT! He’s set the precedent now though…

Sorry typos 🤦

Speaking as a gran, that’s way too generous. No need for the wine or flowers. You don’t really want the babysitters drinking alcohol.

@Colourconundrum I’m very much a hands on Granny and wouldn’t want anything for baby sitting but I do like hanging off the doors of my children’s full kitchen cupboards and fridge whilst saying to myself ‘oh they haven’t been shopping yet’. It’s pay back for all the times they hung of my full kitchen cupboards and fridge whilst saying mum, why isn’t there anything to eat. 🤣

But seriously - why did your husband feel he had to show his appreciation of his mum and dad to the extent he did? Was he brought up to always have to give grand gestures to prove his feelings for them?

Do I expect anything for babysitting? No. Joking aside I know I can help myself to anything I want from what’s in the kitchen and I’d never drink if I was caring for my grandchildren.

ETA - my children are very kind to me and I’m being taken away for the weekend by one of them very soon and I know the others will give me spending money for when I’m away. And there isn’t a week goes by when I’m not with at least one lot for a few hours at their home or a trip out. I know I’m well loved.

Well, I’m feeling like Scrooge now, we had very few nights out as both lots of grandparents were quite old, but on the rare occasion they did baby sit I used to leave a tea tray out with some nice biscuits! I would never have thought to pay them, and they would never have taken money for babysitting their beloved grandchildren. My MiL had them for two weekends, and we gave her flowers which she loved, but said not to waste our money, as she grew beautiful flowers in her garden.

I don’t charge, or get paid - but it’s a nice gesture and I get those but here and there - I may have my favourite coffee bought in (they don’t drink it) though more often I’m taking the kids out to eat, as I like treating them.
Anyway, I actually came on to say that when I have given wine for a treat/gift in the last year or so it has been between 30-40 but that’s just because I inherited it but don’t drink it - maybe it was spare he didn’t like too much? Or maybe that’s what he/they would only consider ok to drink? I’m a wine heathen so don’t know much but my parents would have definitely not drank any but the ones they like, which were that expensive.
I will add that I have tried theirs and it was super strong - wouldn’t have babysat after one glass!
I do think it was a lot - I’d feel a bit odd about getting all that - as if I was having them for a fortnight or maybe parents weren’t ever returning! They may be worrying about future plans he has now!