Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

[seasonofthebitch]

Just wanted to update the previous thread…

I’m about to get on the train home after lovely weekend with my sister. I’m more certain now of my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept. I expect this will lead to the end of the marriage.

DP called me this morning and said he was “so tired, with another full on day”. He’s taken DSD AGAIN to his gym for 3 hours and will be going to take her again tonight for 2 hours as I’m “not back in time”.

Youd think for one weekend he’d have sacked off the gym. Poor DSD.

When I was sick after Christmas, he spent everyday in doors with her. Didn’t take her the park, shops, walk, play centres, swimming - no where. Because I was not doing it too!

Im having a conversation with him tonight about our future. Feeling ok about it but also prepared for some backlash… coming back here to keep me focused!

The only people I know who spend 5 hrs in the gym are pensioners who have one class in the morning, lunch at the cafeteria and another class afterwards, together with tea and chats with other pensioners in between. (We get a reduced annual pass for being ancient.)

Dysfunction at its finest. You are not responsible for this shit show.

Dangerous, lazy and scummy. He’s a delight

The mother is useless as well sadly

I agree with PP who said you will look back on this and wonder “what the fuck was I thinking “. Ask me how I know 😞

Stay away from him tonight and refuse to get drawn into conversation. Then get legal advice next week.

It sounds like you are young enough to start over, and I can promise you that you will never regret splitting up with this piss taking selfish bastard.

I think the scales have fallen away from your eyes. He clearly feels so entitled to your labour and time - leaving a giant mess for you to come back to as a pathetic protest just about sums his entire attitude up. He has the shock of his life coming. There are much, much better men than this out there, and you deserve so much more than this. He’s unwittingly overplayed his hand here, but in the long run he’s done you a huge favour. You know exactly what type of dad he’d be and you definitely want better than him for your own kids.

I think you've made the right decision OP. Even if he promised to change and actually did, could you trust him not to revert back to his old ways as soon as he thought he really had you trapped? He probably thought that marriage and your bond with DSD would keep you there, but if that doesn't work, he might be hoping that pregnancy or maternity leave will do the trick.

Sadly, I can't see him admitting that he's behaved badly and changing his ways for good. He's too selfish.

Bet hes an Andrew Tate follower

I don't know without a bit of googling but the putting you in your place as you've very probably got a better job than him may be part of the ego tripping and narc stuff.

It's that "barefoot and pregnant" thing but more subtle.

He is a lazy man-child. Be careful @seasonofthebitch as he wont like losing his nanny. He is far too selfish to consider it.

My DH looked after 2 our DCs under 5s for whole days 7am to 7am next day. Played, lost his lovely watch down WC, cooked and fed, washed, bathed, did laundry, house very clean when I came back after working and said he loved all of it and would love to do it all the time! He also made sure shopping and scheduled activities were booked for the following week. This was in the 1970s and normally worked as a manual worker on engines. DCs thought they were on holiday, and so did I when I returned tired and exhausted. Seamless parenting although money was very tight. He was a really good DH partner.

TBF sounds like neither of the parents can be bothered with their DD.

I don't normally advocate splitting up a marriage but your DH really isn't showing that he values you as a wife at all, if he did he wouldn't be so unreasonable with expecting you to do as much as you do.

Infact if he was just wanting a nanny/maid I'm surprised he married, not you but anyone as surely he knows that divorce could/would leave him financially worse off.

Getting ratty with you and shouting, what's that for you haven't done anything wrong, quite the opposite, I can only think it's some kind of way of turning all this back on you....never a good idea.

Is he physically abusive, OP? I agree he gives off Tate-vibes and considering he must be very strong physically, I'd make sure somebody's on standby before you speak to him. I think I'd move out if I were you.

Please don't let him talk you round tomorrow. He's showing you loud and clear who he is and you're finally seeing it.

Alert the school safeguarding team on your way out about the neglect ... because he is a grossly neglectful father.

poor you but also poor child.

Or just leaves her to wander about.
My dad used to drop me in a toy shop at the same age and head to the pub, pick me back up on his return and tell me not to mention anything to my mother.

I honestly think men need prescribed parenting courses before the baby is born as much as women need maternity leave. Two world wars destroyed fatherhood for millions of men and their sons. I think a lot of men haven't had a good role model in their own father and honestly don't know what they need to do.

This is awful and at this stage I consider this a deliberate attempt to “show” you that your “services” for the lack of a better term, are needed in the house. I’m not a dramatic person by nature but I’d be furious by his behaviour, and it’s important to remember that even if he hadn’t this wonderful little girl he would still be a selfish arsehole, leaving you at home to pursue interests that are more like an obsession than a career or hobby.

It is so sad that this little girl seems to be passed over by both parents, it sounds as though her mum loves her and definitely tries more than your husband does but maybe she finds parenting alone to be too much, especially with a man child as the father. I’m wondering if you could initiate direct contact with her mum with the longer term view that if you and husband split up in the future that you could still spend time with your step daughter? You have obviously developed a genuine connection with her and it sounds as though she enjoys staying with you. It would be a shame to lose that and maybe starting by sending a photo of her daughter enjoying a lovely moment, and a few words about how her weekend is going could be the way to build up to regular contact, independent of your husband.

I do hope you can work things out without it being at the detriment of your marriage but I said I would mention the above in case it’s something you’re worried about. You have done so much for this man whether he chooses to realise it or not and I hate to see someone being taken advantage of like this. Be glad you haven’t had a biological child with this person, as difficult as it is already.

What an awful man, he couldn’t even prioritise her for one weekend

Absolutely agree.
Don't speak to him without a plan to go somewhere or have someone check in on you after 'the chat'.
Really have your head scewed on properly because he is going to be raging with you.

Also have a scenario of what is acceptable to you. Is there a compromise which could work for you? I'm not suggesting there is or isn't or should be but it's worth considering, just incase things can be salvaged if you want them to be..
Please go in to chat with a plan tho. Plan for your protection and a place to escape to if it gets too heated

Yep, my dad was a SAHD in the 80s as my mum had the big job. He did all the housework, got us to school, all the washing, took us to whatever clubs we did, knew all about ballet tights, brownie uniforms etc, made kites with us, built train sets and so on and so on. He had his down time when we were at school, but was on it when we were there.

This man can't be bothered.

I think they know, but really don't care.

Does he ever take her to school ?

You are a gastro reg. You are on your way to being a Consultant. Dump your trashy DH and concentrate on your career. Other men will be along, most of them better than this one, if you want a father to your potential children.

I'm so sorry but at least you have clarification that all he wants you for is child care.