Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

[seasonofthebitch]

Just wanted to update the previous thread…

I’m about to get on the train home after lovely weekend with my sister. I’m more certain now of my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept. I expect this will lead to the end of the marriage.

DP called me this morning and said he was “so tired, with another full on day”. He’s taken DSD AGAIN to his gym for 3 hours and will be going to take her again tonight for 2 hours as I’m “not back in time”.

Youd think for one weekend he’d have sacked off the gym. Poor DSD.

When I was sick after Christmas, he spent everyday in doors with her. Didn’t take her the park, shops, walk, play centres, swimming - no where. Because I was not doing it too!

Im having a conversation with him tonight about our future. Feeling ok about it but also prepared for some backlash… coming back here to keep me focused!

Don't get distracted by him throwing his toys out of the pram this weekend. That's what he wants. He's given you a giant "fuck you" but ultimately you don't want the conversation to get sidetracked into what either one of you did or didn't do on one bad day.

You need to let dsd mum know how bad the dad is. You amazing strong lady and dsd is richer having know you but dsd dad is a waste of space.

Just read the updates. If I hadn’t read the first thread, I’d almost think
it was a troll thread because it’s unbelievable that he’s taken a five year to the gym - is she even allowed there?

Wrote the above earlier after the first update and than the phone rang. Can’t believe the subsequent updates. Sorry it’s ended like this.

This. And poor DSD.

What an awful father. Poor child. But you doing parenting for him does not make things right.
He needs to understand responsibility.

You sound like you’re about to deal with this so huge kudos to you. But can you remind him that leaving a bath tub full of water with a little one around (who let’s be honest was probably unsupervised) is a death trap. Very easy to have a drowning accident and thus was drummed into me by a news report once that sadly ended very badly.
You sound like an incredible step mum x

That's a very good point. It's not just lazy, it's dangerous.

Pretty sure DSD’s mum will be well aware of how much a dick her ex is…

OP if you’re done with this marriage, and I hope you are, I would think carefully about next steps.

If your DSd is going to be back with her mum from tomorrow night I would quickly and quietly get legal advice on a split to make sure you don’t do anything that disadvantages yourself. So I might consider grey rocking for a few days, put off any conversation he wants to have because you’re “tired” or if pushed “need to think”. I’m unclear on your housing position, that is important.

Then once ready I would tell him what was going to happen. I wouldn’t get into a lot of back and forth on specifics of why because either it will be your fault for being unreasonable in your expectations (see opting out of family comments) or he will promise he has seen the light and then you’re unreasonable for not allowing him to follow through and giving up on him/DSD. You’re just not happy and the marriage isn’t working for you, that can be enough.

I would not get in touch with the mother - she was clear she wanted no contact. If you are down as an emergency contact at the school I would advise them once you’ve left to remove you as a contact - they can draw what conclusions what they do with that. But if you go around contacting people who have said no to contact and making safeguarding reports it will feed a crazy ex narrative. And whilst he is a crummy parent, it isn’t obvious that anything here would by itself actually be bad enough to get SS involved.

You're doing the right thing. I just feel so sad for that little girl with the parents she has😔

@seasonofthebitch

As far as I'm concerned the 'shit mountain' you came home to was done deliberately to say "See what happens when you don't do your job?". Because even if he is lazy by nature, I'm 100% sure he wouldn't have left such a horrid mess if he were a single parent and knew he'd have to clean it up in the end. No, it was done to make a point and to 'punish you'. I'm sure he expects you to clean it up 'in the end, when you realize how wrong you are'. He's got another think coming, I'm sure.

I understand you wanting to speak your piece, but what do you expect it to accomplish? If it's to say "Dude, I'm on the nope train to Nope Town, good luck doing it all" that's one thing. But if you think you're going to say something that will end up in a Damascene conversion, I'm afraid you're in for a disappointment.

As far as getting in contact with DSD's mum, do you think it would do any good? Sounds to me as if she'd turn a blind eye in order to keep her own 'free time'.

PS 'tip of a shit mountain' is very descriptive and really good! It succinctly says exactly what it is. Mind if I start using it?

PS get legal advice ASAP. I'd suggest that IF you have decided to split, you table that 'aspect' of the conversation until you've found out your own legal position. Forewarned is forearmed.

What about his parents? Do you have contact with them? Do they see their granddaughter regularly?

Please be strong and do not cave in.
If you give this horrible narcissist an inch, he’ll take ten miles.

He should be ashamed of himself. It makes me very sad that there are lovely people out there who can’t have children, and would give their right arm for a lovely little girl.

I feel so sorry for this child. I wish there was a ‘’miss honey’ ending as someone else mentioned on the earlier thread. You sound like a much better parent!

He came into the spare room saying “I’ve never felt more alone in a relationship”, I said I’m tired, need to sleep. He said “doing wakeups alone with the child you said was family…”

I said don’t you dare, you felt practically alone because I didn’t swoop in this weekend and provide childcare. I’m not talking about it tonight. I want to sleep

Wow, trying to guilt trip you!
What a baby, couldn't cope one weekend

When you speak to him worth asking if there was any other 5 year olds at the gym and what does he think all the adults there will be thinking of him taking his child to an unsafe fully adult environment. Is he addicted to exercise?

Ask him if he knows anyone else that goes to the gym for 3 hours every night and thinks it’s ok to leave their child with their step parent every time they visit, just because you’re married doesn’t mean that is ok. His daughter will stop wanting to come over or see him in a couple of years then he’ll end up paying full child support to the mother, who sounds shit also tho.

Also wouldn’t say to him that if he’s going to the gym that he needs to find alternative childcare other than you, he needs to stop going to the gym altogether when he has his daughter and be a proper dad and spend some time with her.

Does he ever say that he loves you? My partner goes to the gym a few times a week but it’s for an hour tops, he’s always home in time for us to eat and spend the evening together, I couldn’t imagine spending that much time away from my partner every night nor my child and he wouldn’t neither.

He really is a shit dad and partner and needs a sharp wake up call. It’s ultimatum time I would say. Rope in his parents also, they need to get on his case too, no wonder his mam says no to childcare now, she knows what he’ll be like if you split up and he’ll be asking her all the time again, which she won’t want and will back you up fully no doubt.
The man actually believes now that you’re married that you’re fully responsible for his offspring also 🤣 what a thick dickhead.

Men can be right twats, they always get their comeuppance though when their significantly better other halves remove themselves from the table! Good luck OP

It's the boiling frog isn't it? Little things, oh so slowly slipped onto you.

And then suddenly you release you are the responsible adult and not her Father.

The way he’s dug his heels in so far regarding his treatment of you and dsd does not bode well. It’s good his expectations and behaviour towards you and his daughter have come to light, but like the pp I would protect yourself now and do some groundwork before confronting him with anything.
Great idea for both dsd and you to park the conversation until she is not with you.
Hope you are safe and comfy in the spare room and checking in regularly with your sister. Use the time to get good advice about next steps. Caution is good and not wasted here I think. All the very best to you.

Guessing he will be calling on mummy then aka granny

do you speak to her much. Maybe let her know

He feels alone ?? What no sorry? No I love you and really appreciate everything you do ?

Get a divorce asap and find someone who will love and cherish you because your current DH clearly doesn’t

This man genuinely thinks you should do most of the parenting of his child and he should be able to live like a single childfree man.

I hope he likes paying maintenance, since he can’t parent. My exiting message to his mum would be ‘you have to not enable his shit parenting by taking dsd so he can go to the gym every night. Tell him dads look after their kids, and it’s time he learnt that.

Op I would be right on this saying now you know how I feel every day when I am left alone to look after your child who is in fact your family, your flesh and blood while you go off to the gym for hours on end. If you didn't like solo parenting this weekend, explain to me why I should enjoy doing it 7 days a week for someone I have not given birth too - she is your daughter. Now enough of this nonsense - either accept you have been woefully inadequate as a parent and husband and man up and be an active parent and husband or we are done. I have nothing to prove to you but you have everything to prove to me about why I should stay around for someone who has forgotten how to treat me as a partner and how to be a parent - I didn't sign up to be an unpaid nanny. I signed up to have a loving husband who was also a brilliant dad. You are however proving that it is entirely possible to be a shit husband and a shit dad. Do better or I'm gone.

Good luck OP - you and this little girl deserve better from this man.

Utterly grim.

He really is gaslighting you by trying to make you feel guilty for not being around this weekend for a child who isn’t even yours. Ffs!!!