Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

[seasonofthebitch]

Just wanted to update the previous thread…

I’m about to get on the train home after lovely weekend with my sister. I’m more certain now of my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept. I expect this will lead to the end of the marriage.

DP called me this morning and said he was “so tired, with another full on day”. He’s taken DSD AGAIN to his gym for 3 hours and will be going to take her again tonight for 2 hours as I’m “not back in time”.

Youd think for one weekend he’d have sacked off the gym. Poor DSD.

When I was sick after Christmas, he spent everyday in doors with her. Didn’t take her the park, shops, walk, play centres, swimming - no where. Because I was not doing it too!

Im having a conversation with him tonight about our future. Feeling ok about it but also prepared for some backlash… coming back here to keep me focused!

It’s a shame he’s so “lonely” when he’s got two people at home who would each lovely his company. And the irony being it’s the OP who has a right to feel lonely.

Agree with pps this word is laying the groundwork for an affair or at least to make the OP think he might have one, and therefore toe (tow?) the line.

He’s lonely but spends every minute down the gym?! Oh please.
So sad he already has a career but is wasting his kids life away too. And yours- but no more!! So glad you’ve emailed the lawyer.

Poor dear is really crying “Male Lonliness Epidemic” bullshit isn’t he? Glad you’re no longer swayed. He’s weaponising everything - especially his kid. Don’t let him have any idea you’re about to bounce until the lawyer has your paperwork prepared.

How are you today OP?

Waking up with a child is lonely? What a melt! If he actually took her outdoors he wouldn’t feel like that.
don’t give in op.

He's obviously read that "I'm so lonely" is meant to make him sound like a neglected victim.

lol he will be lonely when you dump him, OP.

What a silly prick

@Lastgig

this! This child is not OP’s responsibility.

Maybe not, but she cares about her. I would not be able to turn my back on this child. Not full-time, definitely. But maybe one night a week. Or a nice day out sometimes. Poor kid appears to only have the OP and a granny who care about her.

OP would still be the free babysitter/nanny and dickhead would continue to manipulate and take the piss. He would probably use this opportunity to pick someone else up and rub that in OP’s face. If OP were to meet someone and want to settle down with them and have kids of her own, he would become even more hideous. It would be smart for OP to leave the day divorce papers are thrown at him and call CPS. It would be extremely cruel to the child to dangle her only involved parent figure for longer and then have her disappear.

Let us know how you get on. I hope you are staying strong and well. This must be difficult for you.

The type of man that "Some men aren't lonely enough" is accurate for.

He’s probably been listening to the Diary of a CEO…

Stay strong @seasonofthebitch you deserve better.

Many years ago I lived with a divorced man, who had full residency of his children. Their Mother left him and the children, for another man. She saw her children EOW, and didn't see them in the week, because she moved too far away for it to be feasible.

Thankfully, I didn't marry him or have children with him but I ended up in a situation similar to you - being the default 'parent' to children that weren't mine. He simply wasn't interested in spending time with me or his children. He didn't parent them at all, unless absolutely forced.

The relationship turned sour but I was reluctant to leave because without me, who did the children have??? Two, parents who couldn't put their children first and viewed them as an inconvenience. It took a friend to sit down and say 'You are not responsible for the children, you can't live a miserable life, because of two children you have no responsibility too'. It was hard to hear, but she was correct. As much as I loved them, they weren't biologically my children, I couldn't take them with me.

Leaving those two children has probably been one of the hardest choices I've had to make. However, I had to do it for me, and to end a toxic relationship with a man who didn't love me, I was merely a 'nanny with a fanny'.

It will be hard OP, but it's the right decision. You can't live in a miserable relationship, wasting your own life away.

I don’t think it’s fair to the op to write a response like this. You can think it, sure, but it isn’t kind to the op to write it. It is likely that the op has already been pushing down her own feelings out of guilt for this child for too long, and that isn’t fair. The op is a person too. We know from the op’s responses that she’s an empathetic, kind person, who will have considers this, so there’s no need to add to it.

my own experience is that once he realised he had no choice, my exhusband - also a surgeon 😂 yup similarities - did step up for his children.

Also if OP does report to the school, then they may well have a word with this oh so important consultant about what good parenting looks like and what's actually neglect. Image is often important to these men so that may be enough to make him step up on weekends.

The school should keep OP out of it and the DD is getting to the age where they will listen to what she says so whilst he might suspect, he should not know that some of this came from OP. 'Daddy spent all weekend with me at the gym' would probably prompt a conversation with a parent, I'd think in a school with a good safeguarding culture. Especially if repeated and perhaps combined with a responsible adult disappearing from that child's life.

The joke here too is that my understanding is that in terms of hours and flexibility you have a lot more as a consultant than a registrar, so it's outrageous and undermining that he's been prioritising his gym visits and expecting OP to pick up the parenting when she's at a crucial point in her career as well as, you know, his daughter not actually being her child. Perhaps he was hoping she'd give her job up entirely.

Maybe her working makes him feel 'lonely'.

He is jaw dropping. Not in a good way. That poor girl :(

This is forum where quedtions are asked. The OP has never mentioned reclaiming her evenings. I've read both threads.

She's talked about studying for her specialist exams in her evenings

@seasonofthebitch

He'll be 'lonely' until he finds your replacement. If she walked in the door this morning he'd be filing for divorce this afternoon.

Did he ever 'love' you? Well, love is an odd thing. It has a million reasons why it gets 'created'. I can be based on mutual respect, common interests, affection, and desire. That's the 'right kind' of love. But it can also be based on selfishness, pure physical attraction, or greed (among other things). So, did he 'love' you? Probably, if you define it as 'I love what you provide for me'.

She did but that is not her beef. She objects to fhe DH dunping on her daily and going to the gym.
My original post asked if she could take the child on without the tosser of a husband would she? Highly unlikely in British law but I put it out there to judge depth of attachment. Its not a trick question.

Why would she want to go from unpaid nanny to unpaid foster carer and be forced to be in contact with her toxic H for another 13 years?

It will feel unbearably cruel to walk away from that little girl but I think it might be the absolute best thing to do. As long as OP is backfilling for two woefully inadequate parents, they will remain woefully inadequate, DSD will have instability and uncertainty for longer and OP will never be free of her fuckwit husband. DSD's actual mother and father need to step up.

We would all love a Matilda / Miss Honey happy ending but that just doesn't happen IRL.

OP’s life is not the plot of Matilda. She needs to prioritise herself and herself alone - divorce, separation of finances and property, career, new home, new life where she doesn’t have to deal with her pig of an STBEX in any way whatsoever. How can she move on, find a new relationship and have her own children (if she wants them) if she’s carrying emotional and care responsibilities towards a child over whom she has no legal/parental rights and is highly unlikely to ever do so. Why would she choose to do anything that involves ongoing contact with an abusive man (who will use the child to exercise control) when she can have a clean break? It’s really sad that the little girl’s attachment to the OP will be broken, but she’s only 5 and has many years ahead to form proper attachments with her 2 capable parents, who need to pull their fingers out now the free maid service is leaving; and/or hire the help they can no doubt well afford.