Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

[seasonofthebitch]

Just wanted to update the previous thread…

I’m about to get on the train home after lovely weekend with my sister. I’m more certain now of my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept. I expect this will lead to the end of the marriage.

DP called me this morning and said he was “so tired, with another full on day”. He’s taken DSD AGAIN to his gym for 3 hours and will be going to take her again tonight for 2 hours as I’m “not back in time”.

Youd think for one weekend he’d have sacked off the gym. Poor DSD.

When I was sick after Christmas, he spent everyday in doors with her. Didn’t take her the park, shops, walk, play centres, swimming - no where. Because I was not doing it too!

Im having a conversation with him tonight about our future. Feeling ok about it but also prepared for some backlash… coming back here to keep me focused!

The OP is still in training. Offering to look after the (ex) DH’s child full-time is unfeasible. Plus, when she separates she will likely want to reclaim her evenings for herself.

I think his monologue is a classic narcissistic trope. He isn't lonely, he's pissed off you have challenged him. And he's mightily pissed off that you aren't going to continue to enable his completely selfish lifestyle. Get a hotel and leave. He isn't worth another minute of your time.

Been reading since the first thread, but “lonely” monologue - just shocked!

Well done on seeing the light.

Agree he can't possibly be expected to continue in such a lonely relationship.
And divorce is the way forward....

Coercive sex is rape.

He's the type that could make a divorce unpleasant.

Don't hesitate to mention to your solicitor that there was Coercion in the relationship and this contributed to its breakdown.

He is the dregs.

Or is he fucking every female there which is why he needs 3-5 hours at the time?

Elephant in the room has arrived!

What a disgusting specimen he is 🤮

I’ve got no advice. If I’m honest I’m not sure it’s advice that you need - you’re one of the most clued up posters I’ve seen. But I am sorry you’re going through this, and I am holding your hand from a far

You're missing the point. He doesn't want a relationship with OP or DD. He wants a bangmaid nanny in OP and to not have to pay child support. There is no gym business. Either he's got a sidepiece and he's not even at the gym half the time, safe in the knowledge that his wife won't find out because she's chained to the kitchen sink by the presence of his DD or he's just there chilling with his bros and avoiding parenting/family life. The "business" is the wool he's using to pull over OPs eyes so she doesn't kick up a fuss at him never being home.

@seasonofthebitch

I know that was rough to hear. But even so, it's a 'good thing' to hear the words that basically prove to you that what you have been feeling and thinking are valid and real. And that creates the impetus to take action.

And 'numbness' is typical at this point. The 'emotion' will hit, don't doubt that. But you can use this period of numbness to make the plans you need to make because it oft times comes with a mental calmness and acuity that allows you to make the plans and the decisions you need to make.

Deep breath, square your shoulders, move forward. You've got this.

They reckon a LOT of consultants / surgeons are psychopaths. Although that doesn't necessarily make them bad drs. It does make them bad husbands.

Why is the gym /business so important to him if a top consultant

It's weird he doesn't seem to see his daughter as a human. I get being lonely with a crying baby in the middle of the night, but 5.30am with a 5 year old watching bluey is not loneliness, it's the opposite of loneliness - it's cuddly and cute but you'd also give anything for an extra hour in bed and just to be left alone, but you love them so you make the sacrifice and snuggle in.

What a horrible man!
Just thank your lucky stars you didn't have children with him. You can just walk away (although I feel pretty heartbroken for your DSD).
These men are horrible to divorce OP - he will try to belittle you and re-write history. He will say the worst, most outrageously untrue things to you, and all in a calm, self assured voice. I speak from bitter experience. Stay strong.

I reckon the "lonely" stuff is to justify an affair too, which will be his next thing (if he isn't already) as he lines up your replacement just in case you leave. It's designed to make you comply out of fear of him leaving you or having an affair. It's basically "shut up about your feelings and have sex with me".

The op doesn’t need your conspiracy theories. I’m sure she knows if there is a gym or not and he took his dd there for hours on the weekend. She has quite enough problems to focus on, frankly it’s borderline irrelevant if he were cheating as everything else if totally unacceptable on its own.

Op, what’s something else you can do for yourself? A post exam dinner with some of the other people who were taking it? Book it in; your time is your own.

I’m so lonely…self absorbed wanker. What does he think OP is sitting in babysitting every night and all weekend?

Is he using the word lonely so much to indicate he’s planning to look elsewhere for companionship?

Good for you!
How dare he complain about you studying for your exams and make things difficult, this is your career and your future you have worked hard for.
Just how dare he!!!
Move out asap, find a room in a share house or something. Good thing about medicine is you can relocate anywhere in the country and get away from him

I’m guessing he’s a orthopaedic surgeon, that are well known as having narcissistic tendencies.
Apologises too all the nice ones.

Christ what an arsehole

Op's DH

No idea WTF your problem is. I never said there wasn't a gym? Perhaps reading is your problem. I said her husband doesn't have a gym business. It's obvious. There's no money being made. He's not there working. If he's there at all.

That was my first thought too. What a waste of space

Yes the overuse of the word 'lonely' is making me think he's preparing the ground for an affair or dumping unpaid nanny 1.0 (who seems to have inconvenient traits of being a full human) to make way for unpaid nanny 2.0. Who he may have met at the gym.

OP might not get a lot of choice here, so it's good she's getting her ducks in a row now.

I think he'd find he was less "lonely" if he could rein in the narcissism and selfishness.

And agree with the PP who talked about mornings in bed with little DC being the very opposite of lonely. Tiring, yes, but snuggled in? When kids are little and need your cuddles (which this poor child probably does bless her) it's the opposite of lonely.

Unless you're a sociopath, I guess.

The best and only thing OP can do for the child is to report to the school safeguarding team her concerns.