Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

[seasonofthebitch]

Just wanted to update the previous thread…

I’m about to get on the train home after lovely weekend with my sister. I’m more certain now of my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept. I expect this will lead to the end of the marriage.

DP called me this morning and said he was “so tired, with another full on day”. He’s taken DSD AGAIN to his gym for 3 hours and will be going to take her again tonight for 2 hours as I’m “not back in time”.

Youd think for one weekend he’d have sacked off the gym. Poor DSD.

When I was sick after Christmas, he spent everyday in doors with her. Didn’t take her the park, shops, walk, play centres, swimming - no where. Because I was not doing it too!

Im having a conversation with him tonight about our future. Feeling ok about it but also prepared for some backlash… coming back here to keep me focused!

Well he’s gonna be more lonely isn’t he when you leave

Yes you get to lie in bed OP because you don’t have any children yet, people with children don’t get to lie in bed - which is him! It’s like he resents that you don’t have kids to look after like him and is jealous and is punishing you by making you do what he should be doing! Unbelievable.

I’m sitting in the car in disbelief, there was no shouting, but it was just so odd.

My “ah-ha” moment was actually 2 weeks before my exams when I got quinsy and had to stay in hospital overnight. DH said he felt like I didn’t want him there (i actually just asked him to leave whilst they drained the cyst). Got home the next day, sat with DSD, and then studied. And I just thought fuck this life. So maybe I have been more distant with him who knows.

It’s not the fucking issue though. If I was cared for, appreciated and felt like I was his actual wife I wouldn’t have been distant.

im in work tomorrow and family far away so cant get there. Will just go back before he gets back from the gym, set myself up in the spare room and try to sleep. Divorce lawyers emails were sent on my break at work.

Feels surreal. Not even cried yet.

He is "lonely" getting up with his daughter and spending time with her?! What a bell-end

For 'lonely' read:

'theres no one here to cheer-lead and award me with a Chufty Badge for doing the shit I should be doing as a parent and functioning adult'.

That's his issue. He has his head so far up his arse he can't even begin to spot your issue!

His selfishness and self-delusion (or perhaps just desire to pull the wool over your eyes?) really know no bounds.

I’m not sure how you can come back from this?

It’s just awful.

I never thought I’d be strong enough to walk away but I know I will now.

• I never asked you to be DSD mum. But it would help if you did stuff to help with her because I would feel less lonely. Waking up with a child is hard work and lonely and you get to lay in bed.

yeah, cos it’s you that’s the dad/parent & your job

• Work, DSD, gym are all hard work. Im just so exhausted and tired.

well give up the gym, the other pays the bills and your child isn’t an option

• I feel lonely because I go to the gym on my own all the time. I’m trying to make a business but it’s still lonely

well perhaphs your timing is wrong, wide and child at home together both missing you

• I feel lonely because when you are studying you don’t have time for me (nb: “time” here almost definitely means sex)

oh dear, yet going out every night to the gym is ok

thing is this lot above is his “attack” rather than defend, make you out to be a bad mother, bad wife and it’ll cover his short comings as a shit parent and user of anyone to babysit

Ok. You're unhappy, he's unhappy. If what you are trying to achieve at this point is breaking up with him then arguably this works for you. It's infuriating, enraging to be accused of something you are innocent of BUT if what you want is out, he is working towards that aim not against it at the moment.

Eyes on what you want to achieve here.

My God he is a man child. He’s lonely because he has to wake up with his daughter when she only lives with him half the time?

What does he think parents who live together still do when their child wakes up. They don’t both jump out of bed and do every single bit of parenting together. They take it in turns and share the load. That’s the norm when the child belongs to both adults however in this situation the child isnt yours and he only has to worry about parenting half of the time yet still expects you to do it.

So he said
But it would help if you did stuff to help with her because I would feel less lonely

You could write a list a mile long of the stuff you do to help with her. What does he think sitting in with her every night while he hangs out with the boyz at the gym is?

Waste of space, shit dad. I hope I'm never unlucky enough to see him in his capacity as a consultant because he'll probably only be half listening while dreaming of going to the gym later. That poor kid.

It's scary that this freak man is a doctor....

God I hope he's not a psychiatrist. Or a paediatrician.

If write this down OP and text it to him when he starts to go off on one again.
Fact is you’ve been lonely for ages whilst he prioritises the gym over his daughter. She is his baby, his DNA. He should be happy he gets her 50% and what a lovely opportunity that is to do special daddy daughter things.
PRICK

Waking up with a child is hard work and lonely and you get to lay in bed.

Yeah, because he has a child and you haven't. What the fuck is he doing here? Guilt tripping you because he chose to take on a lifelong responsibility that you don't have, and thinking it should be your responsibility? Making you feel guilty because he has a child to parent and you haven't, as if it's your choices that caused the situation? He wouldn't have his nanny if not for you.

And he's lonely? He chooses to fuck off from his family hours every day, chooses to pester you for sex rather than cherish you so you might genuinely want it, chooses to alienate himself from his child and neglect his marriage and spend all his time pumping iron by himself and thinks it's not his fault he's lonely?

That's what happens when you treat people like appliances that don't require maintenance.The people rust up and stop doing what you acquired them to do. Whose fault is that?

He really is a piece of work isn’t he?

Just be glad you get to escape and never have to deal with him once divorced. A fabulous new life is just waiting for you @seasonofthebitch .

So he's lonely with his DD, he's lonely with all those people in the gym and he's lonely if you do something without him like sleep.
I think the medical term for your Husband is self pitying weirdo, I'm afraid I don't know an effective treatment

but still slept with him and gave him sex when he pestered me for it.

This is sexual abuse.

He sexually abused you. You only had sex under duress because he coerced you. That's not consent.

He emotionally abused you with this whole speech. Any feelings you have are invalid. He is telling you this is the way it is and you must suck it up.

I feel like I do stuff to provide a nice life for us and you don’t see it.
This is code for 'i get paid shit loads. You should be grateful'. This is bordering into financial abuse because of the emotional manipulation with it.

He isn't listening to you at all. He is right, you are wrong.

This isn't about the childcare. This is about this being a relationship where he doesn't see you as equal. You are his support human. You are secondary to his wants and demands. His daughter is a nuisance but a great little fuck trophy to show off how wonderful he is as a Dad both for his own ego and to put a show on to the world.

I have a feeling in the end this isn't going to be a hard decision to make. I also think when you talk to your sister when the divorce is all done and dusted she'll tell you what she thought of him when you married him and it's not going to be pretty. I suspect she's had the measure of him for a while and has been waiting for the penny to drop with you.

I wouldn't worry about him either. He'll get Mummy to babysit whilst he dates and have a replacement for you lined up within a year. You are disposable and are just there for the job description.

His response tells you a lot.

There's something notable in what you've said his monologue is - there's something significant missing. Not once do you mention him saying he loves you. He may have done, but you've not said it - if he did it's not registered in your response here so you clearly don't feel it. Instead all his responses are transactional in terms of usefulness to the relationship. He views his contribution as 'stuff' not love and time. He expects you to be supportive but sees your career and your exams as a nuisance to his lifestyle, therefore he doesn't need to be supportive. It's all one way traffic.

However you try and cut it the man is a massive narcissist and you can't avoid that.

Is there room for you in your relationship with his own ego? I sincerely doubt it.

Your divorce will get nasty if this is just the start. Get prepared.

The one weekend parenting has made him "lonely".

There is a very effective treatment.

It's like when you get a gangrenous leg. You chop it off. He's the gangrenous leg in the OPs life. She chops it off so she can live.

Well why is he going to the gym then if he hates it so much.
I thibk the only way you can resolve if you actually want to is to say the gym isnt working for any of you. He has even admitted he hates it now.
Based on that revelation, and if you can see a glimmer of hope. Then i would say he needs to sell the gym business and focus on his family for the time being.
Clearly you ALL hate the gym business, so whats the point. You arent on the breadline. He has a job already.
I would say it's the gym or me.

Is that an admission this has been going on a long time and youve stayed with him because it's scarier to leave than to stay?

These are not the words of someone who has been in love with their partner in recent months or even years.

Ofcourse you are strong enough. You are clearly intelligent but you are also a good person caring for a little girl that noone else seems to care for. No - you can not stay for her but you can contact* *SS when you have left.

I feel so disgusted for you having read this:
"was preoccupied with my exams but still slept with him and gave him sex when he pestered me for it."
You will be so much better off without this prick!

Can you stay elsewhere? - With friends, supportive colleagues, a cheap hotel or does the hospital have accommodation you can use?

How on earth can he feel lonely, he's hardly sat at home all day on his own.

He's a consultant so probably works x amount of days a week, interacting with people. He's also self employed in running a gym business, again surely he interacts with people there.

Nothing he says makes much sense as it's all his own doing, its not as though you're forcing him out to the gym all the time.

Maybe it needs pointing out he's doing to much with being a consultant and business owner, that's all on him and he needs to have a rethink.

Does he have any partners to help with the business or does he just like the idea of using it to be away from home.

I think you should read up on narcissists because he really presents as one.
His narrative is immovable.
He is pure DARVO.
Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim and Offender.

There is no getting through to him.
Accept it and move on.

The sex pest entitlement is textbook.
Coercive sex is rape, don't try to convince yourself otherwise.
Consistent with a deeply selfish man.
I doubt he has any bond with his child.
You have a better future ahead of you.

See if there is a room share going anywhere.
Any aggression, call the police.
Do not hesitate.