Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

[seasonofthebitch]

Just wanted to update the previous thread…

I’m about to get on the train home after lovely weekend with my sister. I’m more certain now of my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept. I expect this will lead to the end of the marriage.

DP called me this morning and said he was “so tired, with another full on day”. He’s taken DSD AGAIN to his gym for 3 hours and will be going to take her again tonight for 2 hours as I’m “not back in time”.

Youd think for one weekend he’d have sacked off the gym. Poor DSD.

When I was sick after Christmas, he spent everyday in doors with her. Didn’t take her the park, shops, walk, play centres, swimming - no where. Because I was not doing it too!

Im having a conversation with him tonight about our future. Feeling ok about it but also prepared for some backlash… coming back here to keep me focused!

Hope you are ok OP.

Op did actually say ages ago he was more senior, I don’t understand your aggressive entitlement if I’m honest? What’s up with that?

That’s a lazy generalisation the consultants I work with ( and I’m married to one) are in the main hard working and great parents .

Most of them? Lots of consultants do private work after 3pm. But all of them are entitled to work what hours they can agree a contract for. How many of us wouldn't choose 9-3 if we can afford to live on 10 hours less pay a week?

Knowing that his day job is medical consultant does change it a bit for me, inasmuch as I now think even less of him.

I had assumed he worked in fitness and had persuaded himself that all this presenteeism at the gym was him actually building his business up, and that he considered himself more 'senior' because he was a business owner and you were an employee. Now I know that's not the scenario, I think he's an even bigger wanker than I thought before.

All the update on OP's 'D' H's employment has done is make it even more clear that his gym hobby side hustle is a device to avoid being at home, doing boring life admin and caring for his child.

It is escapism, under the pretence of 'work'. If he didn't have that, likely he'd be still in a role where he could use actual work to opt-out of parenting his child.

He's an arsehole. I do hope he is shocked when you tell him he can sling his hook, you're done.

That doesn't mean OP isn't the "brains of the outfit", it just means that he had been out of meds school for longer!

He's a giant prick, even more so now its clear its not his main income to drum up business. He's not going to change your doing the right thing but surely you will miss his daughter. You cant stay with him for a child that isnt yours but I really feel for her :(

Our NHS consultants get paid £140k plus private work at the local Bupa hospital.

Mr Gym Bro Senior (DH) can afford child care. He's the sort who'd look at boarding school from 8!
I'm glad you have a proper career OP, youre luckier than most. You can afford to leave this swaggering idiot.
Look into what you could afford to buy on Rightmove.
Make plans, there are nice men out there just dont move them in. Bagging a doctor works both ways!

This! A great many of the consultants at our local NHS hospitals do private work elsewhere, and I assume they're not skiving off to do it. Their NHS contracts will reflect their contracted hours.

you are doing what you need doing....you don't want to adopt that poor little girl and her mother does not even bother with you. That man, the great consultant, the heart surgeon cannot bend down to unplug a bath tub and put his own child's clothes in the 15 min cold wash. Yes, you go lady....that is not on and never should have been

I had to walk out the house mid conversation.

As I’m still in training, I had exams recently, and spent a lot of time studying for them (obviously). This led me to being “less available” for babysitting, general day to day talking about DP or checking in with him.

i started saying “I love dsd, I’ve been happy to help when i can but I feel like that’s been taken advantage of and to be honest i feel like my parenting values do not align with yours. I feel disrespected, undermined, under appreciated and mostly just really unhappy. I can’t see how this can be resolved.”

DP seemingly heard none of this and launched into a monologue

Specifically he said:

• I never asked you to be DSD mum. But it would help if you did stuff to help with her because I would feel less lonely. Waking up with a child is hard work and lonely and you get to lay in bed.
• Work, DSD, gym are all hard work. Im just so exhausted and tired.
• I feel lonely because I go to the gym on my own all the time. I’m trying to make a business but it’s still lonely
• I feel lonely because when you are studying you don’t have time for me (nb: “time” here almost definitely means sex)
• I feel lonely because you never once ask me how things are going at the training gym. You’re not interested. I feel like I do stuff to provide a nice life for us and you don’t see it.
• sleeping with earplugs in is dismissive

Ive never been more open mouthed. I didn’t have the words. I just got my keys and walked out the house. I didn’t even understand what was being said to me.

To clarify, I do sleep with earplugs in as he snores, I was preoccupied with my exams but still slept with him and gave him sex when he pestered me for it. And no I don’t ask about his gym stuff, mainly because it’s a hindrance in our life.

There’s no discussion to be had. Hes doubling down and rewriting everything like in the selfish one.

All this saga aside OP, do you like him? Is he nice company in other ways?
Just asking because hiring a nanny for the little girl seems like an option to me (as probably quite decent income between the two of you).
I've been in a similar situation to you and it would have ended our marriage had it continued. But DH did change after many sorely fought battles and now yeah, all good 👍 if I had gone the stepchildren would really have suffered. Long story but me walking away would have been terrible for them. Anyway I am glad our issues got sorted.
So just thought, if money isn't an issue and he's actually alright aside from this, would a nanny be useful. As in a paid one and not you😆

I’m fucking speechless @seasonofthebitch

he just doesn’t get it does he??

So he's lonely because he's leaving you to look after his child while he goes to the gym?

Poor diddums. Maybe if he'd put some effort in with you rather than his gym fetish, he wouldn't be lonely.

Stay strong. He can choose to present whatever narrative he wants, but you know the truth.

It's posts like these where we really need a 😲 button! Unbelievable!

Why? Only for the money???

You don't get to have your say because he doesn't care what you think or feel.

In his head, his comments are telling you that you have been a bad bad partner, so now it's time for you to behave and do what HE wants.

He will never change. I hope you find a safe and happy way out OP.

So in summary - all about him and even everything you’ve done to date still isn’t enough. Don’t you know he is the centre of the solar system?

TBH the doubling down is better than claiming he will change and then inevitably not - the marriage ending audacity speaks for itself.

His arrogance never fails to shock us!

This is SO over. I hope you get all your ducks in a row ASAP and get the divorce done. Men like him are not capable of seeing themselves as being in the wrong, nor are they capable of change.

Well he is making your decision easier.

He gets worse and worse with every post.

You can't reason with stupid. He will try every trick in the book to keep his free nanny so be prepared OP. Once he realises the sad act isn't working, he'll move on to any other tactic he can cook up.

I don’t think he needs a nanny he needs to be there more for his daughter not just pay someone else to look after her or expect his wife to do it.

OP why on earth is that gym so important when he earns more than enough in his day job, I think he needs to put that business aside until his daughter is older and needs him less and then concentrate on a gym business, surely he must realise he can’t maintain his relationship with you and his daughter being there all the time instead of with yous, it’s crazy.

Here’s a solution to his loneliness - spend more time with his daughter and wife rather than at the gym.

Here’s a solution to you not being interested in what he has to say - he needs to not just talk about the gym and himself.

Here’s a solution to his money worries . Stop pissing about at the gym “networking” and do some more hours in his proper job.

Really he is a self absorbed prick . There is no hope here …