Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

[seasonofthebitch]

Just wanted to update the previous thread…

I’m about to get on the train home after lovely weekend with my sister. I’m more certain now of my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept. I expect this will lead to the end of the marriage.

DP called me this morning and said he was “so tired, with another full on day”. He’s taken DSD AGAIN to his gym for 3 hours and will be going to take her again tonight for 2 hours as I’m “not back in time”.

Youd think for one weekend he’d have sacked off the gym. Poor DSD.

When I was sick after Christmas, he spent everyday in doors with her. Didn’t take her the park, shops, walk, play centres, swimming - no where. Because I was not doing it too!

Im having a conversation with him tonight about our future. Feeling ok about it but also prepared for some backlash… coming back here to keep me focused!

I haven’t read every post so not sure if anyone else has mentioned this.

The gym behaviour is so strange, and it made me think… Exercise addiction is a thing. If he’s prioritising exercise to detriment of his family and personal relationships, this does fall into addiction territory.

It’s similar to an alcoholic or gambler who keeps drinking/gambling even though it’s destroying their life and the lives of those around them. And they make excuses and justify themselves, gas light and blame everyone else, deny they have a problem. But the truth is they’ll do anything to keep the addiction going. Clever addicts rope people in to prop up their dysfunction.

If this rings true, it might help you to think of it this way, as you extricate yourself.

You have to leave in the same way you can’t stay married to alcoholic, if you want to keep your sanity. The addiction will always come first, above his wife and his child.

Wishing you strength. You sound amazing.

I expect he'll make sure that his next victim doesn't have financial independence.

Just to say, I’m so shocked at the parents of this DC and to wish you well. Stay strong. 💐

‘I’m not even sad any more’

op, when I finally had proper proof my husband of 20 years was having an affair and I ended the relationship, I was really surprised that it was only a few days later I was skipping down the street. Only with hindsight did I realise I had fallen out of love with him years previous, but I had subconsciously pushed my feelings down and just got on with stuff ‘for the kids’ like women do. This is simply a penny drop moment for you, you’ve been pushing on for the sake of the child.

Whoops, quoted the wrong post!

He really is awful. Sounds as if he's in for a shock if you carry this through.

Well done for seeing the light but now you need to stay strong . I can see no reason why a gastro reg needs to stay off with your DSD and he can't.

You will need very firm boundaries in place if you do decide to stay. Presumably you work some weekends and he has to cover them.

Waking you up eating his late dinner stops immediately!

Since when was owning a gym more ‘senior’ a position than someone who works in healthcare?

@bitterexwife I wonder if it’s ownership rather than employed? But I agree, and it sounds like it’s the dh’s hangup

When one's a man. It would seem.

He is so in healthcare, more senior than the op 9-3. The gym ‘business’ is his hobby.

I wonder why his last relationship broke down?

it really is a mystery…

This says everything.

Exercise addiction doesn’t excuse the mantrums and leaving the house as a shit tip…

I would definitely be leaving him - he's so entitled. Good luck, OP, you are being very strong. I'm also sad for his DD - but as others have said, she has two parents and it's not your responsibility that they are both inadequate.

Bingo. He is a consultant

Nothing excuses that. I wasn’t making excuses.

Unfortunately doesn't also stop him being an arse.

I've met one or two in the last year who still think they are gods. I expect he's among their number.

Great - then on a consultants wage he can afford a Nanny/Au pair. You aren’t either.

Older than you? No need to answer that.

Grade A twonk.

Definitely doesn't need to be down a gym all the time.

Ah so he’s one of the arrogant knobs of consultants who cannot ever be wrong. Or inconvenienced. Makes sense now….

Ok so if you have a full time job, as a parent, you barely spend time with your kids anyway and many people cut hours and apply for flexi time just so they can be present.
Or make a concious decision that one person will be the stay at home parent.
What you don't do, is take up an all incompassing side hussle that means you never see your child and just expect that someone else will deal with your child no questions asked and without even asking them and without even making proper childcare arrangements.
You don't decide unilaterally that your career is more important than your partners, no matter how senior you are. Your partners career is just as important to their life as it ia to yours. You don't decide everyone has to fit around you, including your child. You don't neglect your childs social and emotional needs. You don't value your time above the child and your partners. Well, you can but that ultimately ends up in divorce and your child hating you.

So the man in question is a consultant and yet the way he conducts his private life well, you think he was a shit for brains low-level drug dealer 🤷🏼‍♀️

Agree, and also bear in mind this is not what men who want to be fathers do. They prioritise being with their children especially when they only get to see them 50/50.

And btw… his gym routine is because he’s a business owner of a fitness company and thinks it’s part of his “networking” so calls it work. Work he makes zero money from.

Sounds like it's just a cover for going to the gym if he makes zero money from it