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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

839 replies

seasonofthebitch · 18/01/2026 16:18

Just wanted to update the previous thread…

I’m about to get on the train home after lovely weekend with my sister. I’m more certain now of my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept. I expect this will lead to the end of the marriage.

DP called me this morning and said he was “so tired, with another full on day”. He’s taken DSD AGAIN to his gym for 3 hours and will be going to take her again tonight for 2 hours as I’m “not back in time”.

Youd think for one weekend he’d have sacked off the gym. Poor DSD.

When I was sick after Christmas, he spent everyday in doors with her. Didn’t take her the park, shops, walk, play centres, swimming - no where. Because I was not doing it too!

Im having a conversation with him tonight about our future. Feeling ok about it but also prepared for some backlash… coming back here to keep me focused!

OP posts:
ThatCyanCat · 19/01/2026 09:10

What does the child do at the gym for 2-3 hours?

Mangelwurzelfortea · 19/01/2026 09:28

ThatCyanCat · 19/01/2026 09:10

What does the child do at the gym for 2-3 hours?

My gym doesn't even let under 16s in - I thought that was the general policy of most of them.

Poor kid. Good on her stepmum for getting shot of the useless 'father' - although god knows no woman in her right mind would deliberately have kids of her own with this waste of space - but it's still sad for the kid that she's losing what sounds like the one decent, caring adult in her life.

TheBlueKoala · 19/01/2026 09:29

LemonLeaves · 19/01/2026 08:51

@seasonofthebitch I'm so sorry that he's turned out to be such a selfish twat, but I think you are doing the right thing. You need to leave - he's not the kind of person you want to spend your life with. If he can't even be bothered to look after his own child, then he's not someone that you can count on to have your back if things are tough.

Get your important documents together - birth cert, marriage cert, passport, any paper copies of mortgage statements and for joint savings or investments (if you have any with him).

If you have a joint account with him, then take half of any balance out, and move any direct debits or standing orders of yours. If you have a standing order set up to move money into this account every month, then cancel it.

If your salary is paid into a joint account then notify the HR/admin team at work and get this changed so it's paid into your own account. If he is currently your nominated beneficiary, get your death in service, pension and life insurance beneficiaries changed. Same with your will.

Likewise if you own the house jointly with him and there's a mortgage, then notify the mortgage lender that you are separating and ask them to flag the account in case he requests any additional borrowing.

As soon as you tell him you are leaving, get the joint account closed. Most banks will hold you jointly and severally liable (meaning that if he puts it into overdraft and refuses to pay, then they'll chase you for the debt and mark your credit). It's important you break any immediate financial links with him as soon as you can.

If there's anyone at work that you get on with and who is divorced, it's worth asking them which solicitor they used and whether they were happy with the service. Same with any friends or family. It might also be worth posting in the divorce/separation board on MN and giving your approx. location, as other posters may be able to recommend a solicitor for you.

Good luck.

I am quoting this @seasonofthebitch because the practical advice is excellent.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 19/01/2026 09:39

I too counsel you to be careful. The man is extremely narcissistic, he will NOT respond to you divorcing him like a normal decent person would. We all tend to think people are like us. But this man is NOT like you, he is another beast entirely.

He will likely switch between three channels: Self-pity, Charm, and Rage. He'll start first with Self-pity - you saw that this morning and last night. When he realises you're done with the relationship, he'll switch to the Charm channel. He's used to these approaches working on you. When he starts to fathom that you're serious, the Rage channel will come into play, and he will start flicking between the three channels with increasing rapidity because he'll be trying to see which best hits your buttons. Recognise those buttons in you, because they are the buttons that got you into this situation in the first place. IE compassion, sense of responsibility, kindness, attraction to his good looks, attraction to his sexual interest in you, attraction to his charming persona*, worry for DSD, sense of decency, care for others.

His flicking through the rage, self-pity, and charm channels will be very confusing to you. This is also part of the narcissist's strategy: to confuse their target into staying still so they can work on them more, make them doubt themselves, wear them down. Be prepared for all of this. Also, be prepared for the hurtful Rage channel to shift into violence or threatened violence, including - possibly - against himself: he'll see if he can intimidate you like that as well.

*That charm is merely a pretty mask. It doesn't reflect the real (exploitative, scary, and creepy) him.

Another point I would like to make is with regard to DSD. You're going to have to steel yourself to likely never seeing her again after you leave, and for her (and you compassion) to be used as a weapon against you by him. If he sees you want her in your life, he WILL use this against you. 100% he will use this. He could very well tell the poor kid that you're leaving because you don't like her, to hurt you and to coerce you to stay. You HAVE to be prepared for this. You have NO legal rights on that child, sadly you cannot do anything to help her and you can't let your compassion and love for her keep you trapped with this vile man.

If you want to have her in your life after the divorce, you could see - after the divorce - if you can see her when she's at her grandmother's. Or you can try with the mother. But it might be best for her if you just end things cleanly so DSD is dragged into things as little as possible.

Bestfootforward11 · 19/01/2026 09:40

I think you’ve made the right decision here. How he treats his DD and puts himself first shows that fundamentally his priorities and values are not what you want in a partner. To be so self absorbed that he can’t take steps to properly parent his child is desperately sad for her.

Benjaminbraddock · 19/01/2026 09:43

What an absolute disgrace. He sounds fucking terrible op. Feel so sorry for you and his girl. He needs a good serious talking to, perhaps a social worker or mediation service for the girl and for him and his ex to be parents to their child

LamentableShoes · 19/01/2026 09:46

Obviously he doesn't deserve you and you're right to leave him. But his poor daughter doesn't win here, in any situation (even you staying with her excuse of a father).

He needs to actually accept he's a parent at some point.

wrongthinker · 19/01/2026 09:52

That poor girl. I'd be worried about her safety in a gym, as well. It's completely shit that her parents seem to refuse to parent her.

Good for you, seeing the light and getting away from this piece of shit man. As pp have said though, do be careful. Leaving is the most dangerous time in a relationship like this one.

user665178392470 · 19/01/2026 09:56

Poor kid! I’d be sorely tempted to take her with me, but obviously you can’t. What an oxymoron - so tired the poor lamb can’t pull the bath plug, but enough energy to spend multiple hours in the gym!

I would get your finances sorted and go OP, you’ve tried your best but the other party need to at least be pulling the same rope.

katepilar · 19/01/2026 10:02

You are great OP! Great you can see whats happening and still holding it together trying to stay calm. Sending hugs and strength to get through.

VickyEadieofThigh · 19/01/2026 10:06

seasonofthebitch · 18/01/2026 22:34

He came into the spare room saying “I’ve never felt more alone in a relationship”, I said I’m tired, need to sleep. He said “doing wakeups alone with the child you said was family…”

I said don’t you dare, you felt practically alone because I didn’t swoop in this weekend and provide childcare. I’m not talking about it tonight. I want to sleep

He will never get it, OP - he genuinely thinks you're the one in the wrong and no discussion is ever going to change his mind or his behaviour. Don't believe him for a second if he ever claims he'll change.

Porwrp · 19/01/2026 10:11

What an absolute shit he is. His poor DD.

I'm glad you have found your anger OP as he's been taking you for an absolute mug.

Even if he realises you are serious and promises to change - don't believe him. Deep down he is a lazy misogynist as well as a shitty father and that will never change.

Any time he talks about family or feeling alone in the relationship I'd just want to laugh tbh. Does he hear himself?! What a joke.

Omgblueskys · 19/01/2026 10:15

Hope your with your work team op and see how normal and every day they are, looking through a window today realising you have to make changes now, the weekend confirmed your feeling op,
Yes you are a family never let him use that against you, you made a home for a little one to feel safe and wanted, you gave her stability op that's being a great stepmum but your not her parent that's the difference, don't let him mix them up,
Good luck tonight op

mindutopia · 19/01/2026 10:16

Wait, why would you take off work to look after someone else’s child anyway? That is truly bonkers. You’re a registrar! You have actual important responsibilities and patients who rely on you. He’s what, a personal trainer? Fitness influencer or something? 😂 Not an important job at all. I wouldn’t take off work in those circumstances to look after MY OWN CHILD. Dh would do it. His job makes more money, but isn’t as important as mine. Stand firm. This poor child needs her parents and it sounds like she will never get them unless they are forced to step up to the plate.

Millymolly99 · 19/01/2026 10:25

NeededANameChangeAnyway · 19/01/2026 07:24

Umm...so you don't have to stay off with her?!

He really has checked out of parenthood, hasn't he?

Thesuperlativesistillloveyou · 19/01/2026 10:26

Millymolly99 · 19/01/2026 10:25

He really has checked out of parenthood, hasn't he?

I don't think he ever checked in!

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/01/2026 10:27

seasonofthebitch · 19/01/2026 07:22

DSD has woken up with a stinking cold 😣 I might keep her off school today, see how she is after her breakfast. Her grandma knows she’s poorly and has offered to come over so I don’t need to stay off with her.

DH is slamming around, sighing, and generally acting as martyr. He’ll say he didn’t sleep at all last night which is his usual routine.

Obv daddy wouldn’t stay off work and look after his own poorly child 🙄

thestudio · 19/01/2026 10:30

You need to make the points that:

  1. You are not her mother (I know you have made this one!)

2.EVEN IF YOU WERE, why the fuck should the woman do it simply because she is a woman? it's misogynist to expect you to do any more than half the childcare/domestic work.

  1. It's not simply that he's an exploitative partner - he's a shit father, because he consistently puts his own needs (the GYM FFS!) before that of his own child.

4.His slimy, sly attempts to manipulate you by playing the victim in all this are about the most sexually repulsive and ick-inducing thing you can imagine.

I expect someone has already used this expression on the thread, and it's not nice - but it might shock him into understanding the depths of his misogynist exploitation of you - he's feeling alone because he's lost his Nanny With A Fanny.

Blanketpolicy · 19/01/2026 10:31

Looks like the rest of the world, including you and his dd are simply supporting roles in his very important life with very important needs.

Has he ever considered you and his dd have needs too that are equally, if not more for his dd, important and how he can support you and her?

Anyahyacinth · 19/01/2026 10:34

Just to add...I wonder how she picked something up mmmm... hanging about at a gym for over 8 hours poor love ...he really only cares about himself and his Bro time

MikeRafone · 19/01/2026 10:37

In your shoes I would have an exit plan, if you do decide to leave.

leave and don't go back, don't get involved with your step daughter - this will be used to pull you back in. Harsh as it might seem, it would be far better for your mental health to have a clean break.

You can deal with stuff such as the house through solicitors etc without a need to meet in person or for him to know where you live etc.

lovecheesymash · 19/01/2026 10:44

I feel so sorry for that poor little girl. Does her father ever play with her, read to her, give cuddles and show affection to her; in fact do anything that a loving father gives his child?

Shatteredallthetimelately · 19/01/2026 10:47

Do you have somewhere to go OP or will you stay put until all this is sorted?

Can't imagine it'll be a good environment for you or the DC if you tell DH how you're feeling and that the marriage will be ending.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/01/2026 10:48

its The girl I feel for. You say she is lovely and you sound the only one who loves spending time with her - yet in a court of law you have no rights and sure once divorced you won’t ever see her again

which will be very hard for her

how long have you been together @seasonofthebitch and how long married - guessing 1/3yrs tops

Ginnyweasleyswand · 19/01/2026 10:54

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 19/01/2026 09:39

I too counsel you to be careful. The man is extremely narcissistic, he will NOT respond to you divorcing him like a normal decent person would. We all tend to think people are like us. But this man is NOT like you, he is another beast entirely.

He will likely switch between three channels: Self-pity, Charm, and Rage. He'll start first with Self-pity - you saw that this morning and last night. When he realises you're done with the relationship, he'll switch to the Charm channel. He's used to these approaches working on you. When he starts to fathom that you're serious, the Rage channel will come into play, and he will start flicking between the three channels with increasing rapidity because he'll be trying to see which best hits your buttons. Recognise those buttons in you, because they are the buttons that got you into this situation in the first place. IE compassion, sense of responsibility, kindness, attraction to his good looks, attraction to his sexual interest in you, attraction to his charming persona*, worry for DSD, sense of decency, care for others.

His flicking through the rage, self-pity, and charm channels will be very confusing to you. This is also part of the narcissist's strategy: to confuse their target into staying still so they can work on them more, make them doubt themselves, wear them down. Be prepared for all of this. Also, be prepared for the hurtful Rage channel to shift into violence or threatened violence, including - possibly - against himself: he'll see if he can intimidate you like that as well.

*That charm is merely a pretty mask. It doesn't reflect the real (exploitative, scary, and creepy) him.

Another point I would like to make is with regard to DSD. You're going to have to steel yourself to likely never seeing her again after you leave, and for her (and you compassion) to be used as a weapon against you by him. If he sees you want her in your life, he WILL use this against you. 100% he will use this. He could very well tell the poor kid that you're leaving because you don't like her, to hurt you and to coerce you to stay. You HAVE to be prepared for this. You have NO legal rights on that child, sadly you cannot do anything to help her and you can't let your compassion and love for her keep you trapped with this vile man.

If you want to have her in your life after the divorce, you could see - after the divorce - if you can see her when she's at her grandmother's. Or you can try with the mother. But it might be best for her if you just end things cleanly so DSD is dragged into things as little as possible.

This is excellent advice but when you're ready to leave and / or have left I would say he may lie to DSD about you but you can go to her school and tell them - whilst raising your safeguarding concerns - that you love her and think she's wonderful. You can write a letter to her even to leave with her teacher - if the school thinks that's a good idea - do take their advice - so both she and the school have that to counter her father's lies.

His treatment of his daughter (as well as you) is the reason why you are leaving him- this is the truth so you can tell this to the school too.

If he then tells school staff what a bitch you are, they know it's untrue. This is a safeguarding issue in itself - if he's lying about you to his daughter in order to abuse or manipulate you that's emotional abuse of your DSD.

Explain about the long gym trips etc - all of this will be recorded on their systems and they will be aware and better able to support your DSD and ensure she is safe and well. They are really in a better position to do this than you are - alerting them is absolutely in her best interest and is really all you can do. The previous situation enabled his neglectful parenting which wasn't really in either DSDs or your best interests.

They will be able to support his DSD through your breakup and the loss of you as a positive responsible adult in her life. But in alerting them you will activate those systems in place to help children in this situation. Hopefully the mother will accept the help that will be offered.

It is also possible that the mother will be more willing to have contact with you once you've left your hopefully-soon-to-be-ex - it is possible that he treated her much the same way he's treating you now so she was wary when she anticipated you'd be on his side. However, I wouldn't worry about that until much much later on.

Good luck OP- be careful but get out. He'll try and trap you, don't get trapped.

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