Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

[seasonofthebitch]

Just wanted to update the previous thread…

I’m about to get on the train home after lovely weekend with my sister. I’m more certain now of my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept. I expect this will lead to the end of the marriage.

DP called me this morning and said he was “so tired, with another full on day”. He’s taken DSD AGAIN to his gym for 3 hours and will be going to take her again tonight for 2 hours as I’m “not back in time”.

Youd think for one weekend he’d have sacked off the gym. Poor DSD.

When I was sick after Christmas, he spent everyday in doors with her. Didn’t take her the park, shops, walk, play centres, swimming - no where. Because I was not doing it too!

Im having a conversation with him tonight about our future. Feeling ok about it but also prepared for some backlash… coming back here to keep me focused!

Well I suppose he's at least making it clear that you only have one option here!

Not really your problem why should you miss work because she's off school your husband can be off work to look after her. Now you're acting the martyr here

Surely DH will take the day off to care for his daughter.

I think he groomed you bit by bit by gaslighting.

Why on earth would you be need to take a day off work to look after his child??? You both have a career. Give your head a wobble .
We have children together and if one is ill - we have a conversation about both our days to decide who would be least affected by taking a carers day off. Difficult conversations. It doesn’t even seem like you do this ?

He is such a self important prick

I don’t see how you can do anything except divorce him. He’s completely taken advantage. I’m sorry, you deserve more than this. As does his little daughter.

You’ve got to start getting your ducks in a row now. I suspect he will turn nasty. He seems very entitled anyway but there’s nobody more outraged in a divorce than a man who is losing his life of convenience. Good luck.

I feel sorry for granny.

Granny is going to get dumped on again after thinking she's got her life back and going to have to have the same conversation with him as OP.

I do think the OP should give heads up to Granny at some point during divorce proceedings over why she is dumping manbaby and how he neglects his daughter.

The truth is, that even if they did all the child care she nor granny aren't a substitute for Daddy and this will effect the daughter in time. It's emotional neglect.

He is an emotionally abusive husband and an emotionally neglectful father.

I never realised how angry I could feel on behalf of a complete stranger. He's so awful. 😡

Oh yes, take half of any joint account.
Screenshot the accounts and the utility metres.
This is the time to get ahead while you can.

Hopefully as a short marriage it will be a clean break.
You can do this.

Goodness who is the child here! He’s a selfish lazy manchild I’m afraid … you’ve been amazing considering you work in gastro as a medic, such a busy job! And I’m not being funny but 5 hours in the gym 😱 … I’d assume it’s the easy option for him rather than being a parent / husband

Probably caught it at the gym, poor kid.

Her spending a lot of the weekend at the gym is so selfish . He cant be watching her .Does she get food/drinks. No wonder she has a cold today.
What an awful way to treat his child. One he doesnt even have full time. No excuse for being so lazy.
You do sound like you have been a lovely step mum . But he has obviously taken advantage of that

Just want to echo what pps have said about being really careful now. My friend was murdered by her partner after she told him she was leaving. He was gym obsessed too. Never any signs of violence previously, but when he realised he couldn’t change her mind, he used his strength against her. He was a narcissist too.

How absolutely awful. I’m sorry you lost your friend at the hands of a violent man.

Roid rage should always be a consideration with extreme gym bros.

@seasonofthebitch I'm so sorry that he's turned out to be such a selfish twat, but I think you are doing the right thing. You need to leave - he's not the kind of person you want to spend your life with. If he can't even be bothered to look after his own child, then he's not someone that you can count on to have your back if things are tough.

Get your important documents together - birth cert, marriage cert, passport, any paper copies of mortgage statements and for joint savings or investments (if you have any with him).

If you have a joint account with him, then take half of any balance out, and move any direct debits or standing orders of yours. If you have a standing order set up to move money into this account every month, then cancel it.

If your salary is paid into a joint account then notify the HR/admin team at work and get this changed so it's paid into your own account. If he is currently your nominated beneficiary, get your death in service, pension and life insurance beneficiaries changed. Same with your will.

Likewise if you own the house jointly with him and there's a mortgage, then notify the mortgage lender that you are separating and ask them to flag the account in case he requests any additional borrowing.

As soon as you tell him you are leaving, get the joint account closed. Most banks will hold you jointly and severally liable (meaning that if he puts it into overdraft and refuses to pay, then they'll chase you for the debt and mark your credit). It's important you break any immediate financial links with him as soon as you can.

If there's anyone at work that you get on with and who is divorced, it's worth asking them which solicitor they used and whether they were happy with the service. Same with any friends or family. It might also be worth posting in the divorce/separation board on MN and giving your approx. location, as other posters may be able to recommend a solicitor for you.

Good luck.

To add to my get ready first/greyrock advice, before you tell him it is over I would secretly get anything important or irreplaceable out of the house first, assuming it isn’t practical to get everything out one day whilst he was out. Passports, certificates, bank details, anything with sentimental value, any medicine you take. Presumably you are studying towards consultant - your books and study notes. Take it to work or to a sympathetic friend. At least a few clothes/toiletries so you can walk straight out a door

It is quite remarkable what can get “misplaced” or “accidentally damaged” by an angry man.

Unfortunately violent rage should always be considered when leaving any man, especially one who thinks he should be in control of you and is about to lose that.

I would add to the ‘I’ve seen how you neglect your daughter and it’s made me fall out of love with you.’
with ‘Also, as I would like children one day, I don’t want my child to have you as her father, so our relationship has no progression.’

100% he will suggest you still have decent contact with dsd... To lighten his load not for dsd benefit.. It's hard but when me and exh divorced he had a clean break from my dc.... Yes it was hard but no way was he staying in our lives.

Two words that encapsulate your husband.

Weaponized Incompetence.

I’m sorry lovely, but he has done such a number on you. It is not on you to stay off work with HIS daughter. It is to him to do that. You have patients-he has weights to lift. You must be able to see which is more important there.

Oh dear. Someone is getting his arse handed to him tonight. Totally and utterly deserved. You sound lovely and intelligent OP. You deserve sooooo much better. I hope you never look back.

Or just in one sentence: "I've seen how you neglect your daughter and I don't want that for my own children"

just to copy what a poster up thread said, in case it got missed it was a great point.
the start of all this was you telling him you were tired from all the parenting, and he dismissed you with (something like) ‘suck it up buttercup, this is life’
I would be inclined to mirror his exact words back to them, if you feel it was poignant enough to have both remembered them. And point out it’s actually his child.

Having read some other posters it’s probably best to keep your powder keg dry for a couple of days whilst sorting out documents etc whilst he is in the gym. Fine to say about things changing but don’t mention divorce until your ducks are in a row and you are ready to hit the button @seasonofthebitch