Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

[seasonofthebitch]

Just wanted to update the previous thread…

I’m about to get on the train home after lovely weekend with my sister. I’m more certain now of my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept. I expect this will lead to the end of the marriage.

DP called me this morning and said he was “so tired, with another full on day”. He’s taken DSD AGAIN to his gym for 3 hours and will be going to take her again tonight for 2 hours as I’m “not back in time”.

Youd think for one weekend he’d have sacked off the gym. Poor DSD.

When I was sick after Christmas, he spent everyday in doors with her. Didn’t take her the park, shops, walk, play centres, swimming - no where. Because I was not doing it too!

Im having a conversation with him tonight about our future. Feeling ok about it but also prepared for some backlash… coming back here to keep me focused!

Sad read :(
you sound like a lovely and smart woman, I hope you can continue to be in this little girls life, she sounds awesome too

chicks rock

"So I don't need to stay off with her"

No, no, no OP. So he doesn't need to stay off with his daughter. It's scary how he has indoctrinated you into thinking she's your responsability! You are lovely but she is NOT your responsability.

But why would there be any expectation it would be you who would stay home if grandma unavailable? She has two parents. You're a doctor, presumably your patients need you

So YOU don't need to stay off with her?! You're still talking as if it's your responsibility when she's sick, not his!

It's eye opening, isn't it, how these situations creep up on you?

HE’s the martyr?!!! Message and him and say you’re welcome for my taking the time with dd this morning, just noting you will be the one home next time dd is sick so I can work. I’m sorry you’re tired, which is more than you’ve ever said to me when I’ve done all the wake ups for your daughter.

just as a nice fuck you preamble to divorcing him. Which the asshole will think ‘came out of nowhere’

Good on you op, I can’t believe he’s behaving like this about his own child! Poor DSD I’m guessing her mother is similar to her dad.

What an absolute prick he is. The lesson he’s learned from this weekend is that he needs to up his control over his wife’s behaviour, so he’s trying to guilt trip you about how awful you’ve been. You’re nothing more than a malfunctioning appliance to him. His expectations are outrageous. Well done for breaking out of this situation.

This! Good luck Op! Stay strong! You deserve so much better.

It's so telling that the default is you stay off with her if she's sick or her grandmother comes over. Never him. He sounds like an appalling partner and father. You're going to be well rid.

It's a sign of just how disconnected he is and how little parenting he's done that he's so thrown by his child waking up with a cold, as if this isn't a totally mundane and common part of having kids. It's not as if he considers it his problem anyway.

When you're so disappointed like this, the sadness goes and you just want to get on with it. You start to think over all the times you've just been taken advantage of and been so unappreciated.

Thank goodness.
Please be careful.

He is the ugliest of rats, and they are unpredictable when cornered.

He knows exactly what he has been doing and he will not like the inconvenience of you divorcing him.

Please gather your stuff and be able to walk out of the house when he inevitably gets nasty.

I am so sorry.

The more you write about this man the worse he sounds. He told you he's never felt more alone in a relationship because you weren't there, for one weekend, to look after his child for him? He wouldn't say that if he'd ever stopped for a moment to consider how you might feel when he's out out the gym most nights.

And now he's acting the martyr? He is so entitled he has no idea how pissed off you are. Does he think it he makes his dissatisfaction with your performance as his "everything" support you'll step back into line?

You are not fully human to him, you are currently a malfunctioning appliance causing him great inconvenience. I'm so glad you have decided this relationship can't continue.

@99bottlesofkombucha you're right, he'll say the divorce came out of nowhere, everything in his marriage was great until the Op went away for the weekend then she changed. Men like him never notice their wives discontent until it's too late

His idea of being a father is to find a woman that will take care of her.

then try with the guilt trip & emotional blackmail if he is pulled up on his lack of parenting

what a shame for this young girl

He felt alone when he looked after her for one weekend?! Did he realise the irony as you were single handedly looking after her everyday?!

Do you have joint accounts? Make sure that you have separate money. Men like this can get very nasty once they realise what's happening. This may include wiping out joint accounts etc. Screenshot everything before you go on to have the conversation.
Make sure you're not sharing photos BTW in apple family or similar. Change your passwords on your email and sign out of any family ipads.
This may sound paranoid but you need to protect yourself. Worst case it's not needed

Amazing that you would be the one normally to take time off because HIS daughter is sick.

Selfish selfish man. You are so better off out of this. I really feel for that little girl, but you can’t be responsible for her @seasonofthebitch

Wow, OP, he is an utterly self-obsessed prick. Your life will be so much better when he's not in it.

I can't believe the entitlement of the man. And I feel sorry for his daughter, and whichever poor woman he latches onto next.

I’m so happy to read that the scales have fallen from your eyes. I am placing a bet that when he realises that you mean it about divorcing, he will play the startled, wronged victim, ‘you’ve changed’ etc. Agree with a previous poster that you should alert school, to support DSD.

What a prick

Well done for reaching this point and I join all the other posters who are wishing you luck with the next steps. They will be hard but it will be SO worth it for you.

My only suggestion — and you sound like the sort of person who does this anyway, though I’ve not read it in your posts — is that you regularly and often tell DSD words that ‘it isn’t your fault that the adults in your life can’t focus on you.’ The ego-centric nature of kids means they always believe they cause the behaviour of the adults in their lives. She will also benefit from you recognising and naming the feelings she will be trying to hide, and won’t benefit from anything directly negative about either birth parent. So things like:
— I can see you’re a bit sad Daddy has gone to the gym. He does really love you, but he gets a bit distracted sometimes, doesn’t he?!’
— I think I’d be quite cross that Mummy got me up at 5am to get here so early, you must be exhausted! Mummy does love you loads, I know, but this weekend she had to rush a bit.
They are only two examples but you get the idea: name the negative feeling she is likely trying to hide, tell her the parent really loves her, and then give a reason that is neutral. I can’t stress how much this will help because eventually you are going to be saying:
— I know you are sad that I can’t be with Daddy any more and so I can’t live with you any more. I know this because I’m so sad too, living with you is so wonderful. I love you so much and always will, and my not living with daddy will never change that. You are brilliant and wonderful and so worth all the love in the world!!
All the best for the divorce proceedings — you are also brilliant and wonderful and so worth all the love in the world too.

@seasonofthebitch I’m a bit confused when you say he is senior to you and doesn’t like you being a medic. Surely he knew what your career path would be when you got married? Do you not mean senior in the sense of a senior medic? If my assumption is correct, and he is a medic senior to you in the same hospital, are you worried that he will make life at work difficult for you when you start the divorce process? He’s got some cheek expecting you to be the default parent because he doesn’t intend to do any parenting of his own child himself, ever. Thank goodness you have not had a child with him.

Anyway, you are right to stand your ground now the scales have fallen from your eyes as to his behaviour. I would tell him to employ a good long-term nanny immediately as he will find it is cheaper in the long run and may well do his daughter less harm than a series of girl-friends or wives who he uses as nannies/housekeepers.